ARe you kidding? I am an at home mom - I do time outs all the time. They usually work. I'm talking about putting him in his room for the entire night, lights off, the end. I think that is excessive. A time out works when he is given the chance to get up and behave better. If he continues to act out, that is a different story. But not for the first acting out. My husband just has to be in control. I think it hurts my child.
Anyway, huge discussion tonight. He has gotten all this legal advice and that is keeping him from going to MC. He claims we need to be legally separated first otherwise MC looks like we are still married. He is afraid that the longer it takes to be separated, the more alimony he will have to pay, because the longer we have been technically married. So the catch twenty two he's offering is - get legally separated, then maybe H 'll go to MC. Otherwise, just living separately doesn't count as legally separated and going to MC looks like reconsiliation. I"m so mad all he is thinking about is money. He's afraid he'll leave a divorce with nothing and I'll have the house and our S so he wants reassurance that this won't happen before he takes any risk to continue in MC. It's crazy. Help!
Do you have any reason to believe there is an OW? Because this “legal advice” sounds sketchy as hell to me. Him going into work on the computer and coming out angry…..yelling at you about a CD player still being on…..refusal to go to counseling until legally separated…..very very strange, unless he has to prove it to someone else…….I could be wrong, but the behavior sounds familiar and my H did have an EA going on…..
My humble advice and do what you want with it, won’t offend me000…. Don’t give him the separation. I did nothing to make this easier on my H. I did what I needed to do to make it easier on me and our S. I was fortunate that my H also did right by our S….only once did he ever try to weasel out of his responsibilities to S, and I slammed his ass….never happened again. Truth be told, I think he felt guilty about it anyways, so that took care of itself.
In a nutshell, I say let him back out of counseling for now. But don’t help him get closer to ending the marriage.
I think you said you’ve been married 8 years, right? What is the threshold in your state for alimony? In my state it’s 7 years and of course, child support, you can figure that out with many different calculators you can find on line.
Did he get a lawyer? Or is this “legal advice” from a friend or a lawyer he knows? I think it sounds weird and off base.
And maybe I misunderstood….did he say he would DEFINITELY keep going to counseling if you agreed to a legal separation? If so maybe consider it then, if you trust him to keep going AND you think MC is helping.
What are your rights if you get the separation? Does he owe you alimony then or child support? Is he being supportive of S right now financially and emotionally? How do he and S get along normally, outside of the “go to your room and sleep” interaction?
He says him main motivation is not ending up poor and in a little apartment supporting me in this big house. He is not saying he would definitely do anything if I sign anything. He says "Then maybe we'll see". I refuse to get a legal separation. I we've been married six years and I have no idea about the alimony calculations. I told him I wasn't ready to talk money because I wasn't giving up on our marriage.
He is great with our son - in fact he says he wants joint custody and part of the problem is that he's taking out son at our house and can't prove that he is taking half time responsibility. I told him I am not comfortable with my son sleeping somewhere else half the time for now since he is only 4. His lawyer said he needs a bigger place with another room for S to show that he is providing for him half time. I don't know - it's a catch twenty two. It's like he claims maybe he'll work on the marriage if everything is lined up in his favor in case of divorce. He "doesn't think anything will change" so he has little hope of therapy helping reconciliation. In that case, he wants everything lined up in his favor. I don't like it. I don't want any of these things. I think if he gives us a chance over time my DB changes will take hold. I'm so furious that he is doing this. I called his bluff and said just get a D then. Serve me with papers. He won't. So that says something. I don't know why I hang on any nmore. I'm starting to think i should give up.
Like I said -- although he has been unusually harsh with S occasionally, this is out of character. He is great with S. He is there for him and involved and loving. THe problem is that since the separation, he isn't around quite as much. He's been going out more "with friends" and I mostly believe him but part of me thinks there could be an OW. He told me he "got together with someone" but knowing him there wasn't much to it. He's terribly shy with girls - typically tech geek.
He claims he got legal advice from a good Family Lawyer who knows our local laws. The alimony is calculated by how long we are married. If we get legally separated, then the marriage officially "stops" and the alimony calculations stop from that point, being lower.
What state are you in? That sounds like serious BS to me.
You do what you are comfortable with. You want to fight this then fight it. Don’t agree to anything that gets you closer to D.
And be careful. My gut says there’s an OW. Probably not serious, probably more serious in his own head, but really, that’s all it takes.
What are you doing to GAL? What days do you want him to take S? One thing that worked for me….when H left, I didn’t give him a specific schedule with S. Then after this went on for a bit, I did. He has H two nights a week and every other weekend. H can’t take S overnight because he has to be at work very early and S is too young. So H stays at our place on his two nights and he stays at our place on his weekends too…not because I told him to, because that’s what we worked out. I refused to raise S alone. I told H “You can walk away from me, but not S.” I was fortunate. He agreed pretty easily because H is a great father. At first I told him on your nights you can take him to your place or you can stay here in the guest room. I think it would be more settling for S to be here, but I leave that completely up to you. Take some time to think about what’s best for you and your schedule and what days you want. H agreed to be at our place on his nights with S. And the other great thing about it was DB Coach and therapist both encouraged me to spend more time with H since I had some pretty big changes to make in me and I needed him to see them. Also, in hindsight, I needed to see them to and no one can push my buttons like H, the good ones and the bad ones! At first H would take S out to play and then put him to bed and leave around 9 or 9:30. I think that got old and things with he and OW took a horrible turn so one day I noticed he had an overnight bag. I said nothing. He stayed in the guest room that night and that’s when he started staying over. This was in early February, right before Valentine’s Day. Then before March he was back in bed with me.
Not sure if that would work for you, but it did for me. Take it with a grain of salt.
My husband is very good about being there for my S. I am adamant about my H seeing S at our house, as he is only four and I don't want him sleeping in another house. He has barely done a couple sleepovers WITH MOM and survived in the last year - I believe he is far too young to have his home base split up. I agree with you also that although it is tempting to feel like, "Hey, if H wants a divorece, why should I be around?" and this could be a sort of 180. However, I like the point of making sure I am there to show my changes. It seems to have worked for you and I think there is a chance it could work for me. Today I came to a weird inner peace. I decided it's ok if he divorces me. I'm still doing my DB, my changes, my 180s, my GAL. I ultimately want to rescue the marriage. But emotionally I have let it go for today. I have felt like I can't control if he leaves and in so many ways my life will be better without all this fighting. I am determined to make whatever contact we have positive and new, and if choses to not come back, I'll still have a positive new life. It's nothing I haven't read or heard a thouseand times, but today I am experiencing the peace of it. STrangely, he is coming around now that I'm doing a 180 in terms of separation agreements. He has noticed how calm I am, how I am willing to hear his side and not fight. He is impressed. I figure if I can keep this up for some months or even a year, we may have a reconisiliation on our hands. I'm going to take his separation agreement to my lawyer, but I'm trying to reassure him that I do not plan to screw him out of money or time with his son and this is actually gaining trust. It's weird, the acceptance of letting him go and feeling like - ok, go ahead and divorce me - is actually helping him feel trusting and like - if we can work this out cordially, maybe we can work on the bigger issues. He even said that yes, if we can agree to a legal separation agreement, he will commit to couple's counselling for a certain time. My therapist says to see him as a feral cat. He is terrified. He is scared to trust. If I make any sudden movements toward him or grasp at him, he will run away traumatized. If I can be still and sit firm and calm and quiet, while holding out some food ( a good metaphor for a better relationship) than he may little by little approach me. It fits with all the DB ideas of not pushing, begging, chasing, etc. It also helps me not feel rejected if he can't go farther in our marriage by saying, ok, that's his choice, I did everything I could. God help me I am as clear tomorrow. But today I'm ok being alone. Crying a lot, scared for my S, but not desperate. Sitting calm and quiet and still, even through all his attacks. Perhaps all this legal stuff is bluster to see if I'll fight and attack back. I am not. Also, he is working from a fear that he will end up the way his father did in his divorce, and this is something I am feeling not responsible for, for once. His parents went through a hideously long divorce where his mother fought tooth and nail to get every last penny. H feels his dad got the short end of the stick, by not standing up for himself. So H is overreacting, aggressively putting all his ducks in a row in case of the big D. He is doing this to emotionally protect himself from feeling like a wimp like his dad. If he needs to carry a big stick, I can't talk him out of it. I'll see what the lawyers say. In the mean time I keep repeating that I am not out to hurt or screw him in any way. That I want everyone happy no matter what the outcome. This seems to be buying me time at least, if not earning brownie points in the trust bank in terms of coming back to MC.
PSS GALing has not been an issue - I actually have needed to be home more. Until my son was 3, I gave it all up for my family. The last year I did a lot of theater which was for me. Now that H is gone, I need to spend more time with S. But H has always been a responsible dad. I'm lucky that way.I'm trying to be more available for H and S. Galing is going to have be something different now that I have given up theatre. I have started CODA support groups and I guess I'll take myself to movies or walks or something. Tonight when H showed up, I packed up my computer and said I was going out and he actually got weirded out. I thought he would not even care since he's the one constantly pulling away, threatening divorce. But he said,"is this something I should be worried about?" I can't fathom how taking my computer to Starbucks would be something for him to worry about, but it seemed like a positive sign that he wasn't just running as fast as he could from me. He noticed my GAL! Really what I did was go to the library to research California Divorce law!
The weird inner peace…it comes and goes. It’s wonderful, then it’s chaos. Par for the course. When you do have the weird inner peace days, try to capitalize on it and do fun stuff for you. So you are going to give him the separation? http://divorcesupport.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=divorcesupport&cdn=people&tm=3&gps=284_245_1259_758&f=20&tt=2&bt=0&bts=1&zu=http%3A//www.alllaw.com/calculators/childsupport/california/ That link can help you figure out what child support would be. I know when my H checked it out, it scared him. Something that helped me a lot mentally and emotionally, and I can’t really explain why, but knowing this marriage was dead helped. I want to create a new relationship and marriage with my H. One night he said it “This marriage is dead.” I agreed with him, “Dead as a doornail.” He just looked at me sort of shocked like. I followed up with “I still hope to create a new relationship with you…in what capacity that will be, I have no idea.” But I think it was good for both of us to understand the old relationship….neither of us wants to go back there, but hopefully we can come up with something new and wonderful where everyone is getting what they need.
