Thank you marriedCrazy. Do you still have any desire to remain married to your wife?
I have minimal desire to keep my family together but really no desire to remain married to her. The only reason that we are not divorced yet is that she is pregnant with OM's child and the state normally will not allow a D to go through the court when the wife is pregnant. My L says that I could do it; but it might be costlier for me in the end. So we are waiting until her "love child" is born and paternity established. It isn't mine; I'm "neutered" and we haven't been together for over a year now.
We are getting divorced but we remain on friendly terms. Partly because I decided to "let go and let God" handle this affair. I've taken charge of my life and the things that I can control. I make sure that our kids are taken care of; all of that gives me peace. I've also established a social life outside of the house and have realized my own self-worth that was decimated by three years of dealing with her crap.
Don't let yourself feel guilty or responsible for her well-being mentally. Ultimately, your W will do what she wants to do. She may start counseling with one person; only to quit when it gets to personal or it hurts too much. Then she'll switch to another counselor until the same thing happens. Take care of you and your kids. You cannot control your W nor can you "fix" her. She has to do these things on her own.
Only you can decide when you've had enough. It took me three years and a LOT OF MONEY before I finally threw in the towel. It's been the best thing for me. I've have regained my identity and am happier than I've been in a long time. The weirdest byproduct of all this is that the W and I are getting along great now. But I cannot go back to a M with her; she hasn't healed from all of her past hurt and still shows selfish tendencies.
Be wary of your wife's actions. As they say, believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. Especially with people with mental disorders; they are master manipulators. I'm not saying your W is that; but if you believe in odds, beware.
I'll be reading your thread for a while. I'm not here often; but I do have a thread over in Infidelity. Find me if you need me.
Saturday evening: W comes home about 9:30. I hadn't put the kids to bed yet, so she helped. She bought a children's book, but not one for divorce (Runaway Bunny). She read that to them. She was much more amicable tonight. She never brought up anything about the lease. She just gave me a hug before going to bed and said "Thank you."
M: "Thank you for what?" W: "Thank you for helping."
She then headed down to go to bed. She is currently sleeping with MIL downstairs.
I did a child support calculation and it looks like if I used that for 50/50 split; I would owe her $600/month. I know she will ask for this. Is it reasonable that I pay it now; since I think I would be legally obligated to pay it if it were a true divorce?
Yes, if you're confident you calculated it correctly. But I would ONLY pay it either:
a) Directly (such as guy something yourself for the child(en);
or
b) Reimburse her if/when she provides you with RECEIPTS. I wouldn't give her unconditional cash payments.
- no need to rush into any child support payments. You know you're a good dad, you know you'll provide for them, you don't have to start paying her that child support now, let her move out and let her pay for her apartment and furnishings, etc. by herself.
- get a separation agreement in place before she moves out, you can agree to separation but don't agree to dissolution anytime soon.
I'm not sure about your specific location but where I live, once a separation agreement is in place, any debt that she accumulated after the separation agreement is in place is something that she will be responsible for, not you. Don't let her run up credit cards and burn away your savings until the separation agreement is in place - this is to protect you.
I guess your first step now is to see a lawyer determine what your options are and make sure you find a lawyer that isn't just there to help you sign papers, get one that's there for your best interests and won't fold and give her everything she wants.
How have you been holding up Tristan? I know you were stressed out something fierce the other day when you finally put your foot down.
- no need to rush into any child support payments. You know you're a good dad, you know you'll provide for them, you don't have to start paying her that child support now, let her move out and let her pay for her apartment and furnishings, etc. by herself.
There's a method to my madness. She'll never agree to the "pay directly/receipts" thing anyway, and Tristan will be off the hook for anything other than continuing to meet his kids' needs the way he always has. The CS is non-negotiable anyway, and this WILL be the amount he will eventually have to pay if they don't work things out.
What about our joint savings. Does anyone out there believe me unreasonable to ask that it not be touched for her move. She obviously says that 50% of it should be her's (which would be about $10,000 outside of our retirememt money) and is quite upset about it.
I used the argument that every big purchase that we have made with savings thus far has been agreed to by both of us and I don't agree to this one. We only have 1 joint checking account which we pretty much use month to month. So she would be starting from 0 and would need to go into debt to get started. I am fine with that, be she says that I am being unreasonable. Does anyone out there agree with her?
As for me, I am doing OK. Better than a few nights ago; it is still extremely hard. I have slipped a couple times in the pursuing part a couple times the past couple of days; but nothing like asking for a kiss. I have touched her on the shoulder a couple of times. She has done the same. As long as we are in the same house, it is tough to be completely dark.
W went out with a mutual friend that knows the sitch and is very pro-marriage. She has been gone for a long time now. Not sure if anything is coming of it; but I am glad that they are talking right now. Our girls deserve better than this.
Speaking of the girls. I have spent much of the weekend with them. Its been a good distraction from everything. At one point, I often wondered if I could really handle them alone; now I have no doubt.
I would not split the savings w/her at this point. If you do end up getting D, the savings will probably be split, but you are not D'd yet -- and you're right about the decision on the joint savings being mutual.
Her moving out is NOT a mutual decision.
I'd move that money out of the joint account, and into your name only, otherwise she'll go take what she wants.
I wouldn't use any of the savings for her exit from the family.
If you end up with a written separation agreement that includes splitting up the money; then do it then. But not until then and if you eventually divorce; I would account for that split that asset as previously settled. However, I would prefer that you leave your savings alone.
Talk to a L. You will look weird in the court's eyes if you empty the account. At one point, my L suggested I take half the joint account money and put it somewhere that h could not touch (in his MLC he would have "invested" wherever his heroes told him to b/c of the gazillion dollars "we" would make, etc and he was totally alien and I thank God I filed for a sep b/c it saved our home...but I did take enough money out, IN CASE he went overboard...) but you are legally entitled to half of it "unencumbered" and she could use the same argument....it is a tough call b/c no one HERE wants her to get the money b/c no one here wants her to leave.
But I think you'll have a tough time saying no and "enforcing it' without doing something that risks looking really controlling and odd in the court's eyes. Do you understand what I'm saying?
IF and I repeat, IF, you do allow her the half she is legally entitled to (in most states at least) then I would definitely document that so IF the time comes to divide assets more, her half of THIS is counted against the total.
But honestly I don't know what your legal argument is that prevents her from accessing money to which she has the legal right.
It's a very tough balancing act-- ie, Not enabling her, not wanting to support this type of destructive action, balanced against looking bad in the court's eyes OR in her eyes at this point...and knowing she does have the legal right AND knowing that if you put the money somewhere she cannot reach it, and you take more than half, you'll be doing something that smells really bad to a court notwithstanding your pro-M views....I mean, I get where you are coming from, but I'm detaching as objectively as possible and giving you some legal thoughts, (not to be construed as legal advice. YES I'm a L, but no I am not giving interstate advice or formal counsel to anyone here....yes that IS a disclaimer...)
(SIGH) sorry this isn't making you feel very good, I'm sure. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
