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I can't think of anything much worse to have to live in when a couple is "done" with their M and having to stay under the same roof. I would like to offer this suggestion and it may not sound like a very "graceful" one but I believe your W should not get off so easily when she comes at you the way she does. I think you should not refer to it as an EA and just say an affair (and if the kids aren't around....maybe be more crude about it). The reason I say this is b/c she needs to have the romantic vale removed from that R with the OM. It needs to sound as ugly as it really is--instead of how she has it imagined in her mind. It isn't some high school fling....it is adultry and it needs to be exposed for what it is. Do the kids know about OM and what their mother did while on the trip? How does she act around them? How do they feel about her?

She needs to be hit in the face with that every time b/c she should have to own up to her fault and so far she is still trying to point her finger at you for the breakdown instead of taking the blame. That is her WAW mentality of finding justification for what she's done. I wouldn't soft cushion anything for her. Whenever she speaks as if it is a certain fact that "she" will have custody of the kids and house, can you put her in her place by reminding her that judges don't favor mothers who leave their children while they sneak out to go screw OM? No, on the other hand, that might not be a good idea to say that....and just leave it for the lawyer to spring on her. I get caugth up in this and am angry at her and don't even know her! It shows how she is still in a state of "dream land" when she can do her children the way she has and still think that she won't have any problem getting full custody of them. I don't know the laws of your state, but I think that most states do not automatically give the wife/nother everything like they did decades ago. If there is anyway you can prove how you have been the one to stand by the kids and provided for the family while she was the one out doing things she shouldn't have....then that will get a judge's attention. Otherwise, it may be just "she said/he said"....but that is why they have lawyers to work through all the mess. It seems to me that if you work from your home that that would have to be taken into account also. I don't know, I'm blowing off steam as if I'm part of the family here. I should be giving you encouragement instead of talking like this. But it makes me angry at her to treat her family the way she has. BTW, do you have copies of her cell phone bill where she's contacted OM? Maybe your BIL could send a notorized statement of how she behaved while on the trip.....I don't know b/c I've not been down this road.

I hope you have the strength to contiue to stay there in the house and not give into her pressing you to leave. She wanted this and I would remind her of that fact every time she brought the subject up. Remember, no more Mr. Nice Guy! Don't make anything easy for her--so that she will get a small taste of what life without you will be.

BJ, you are to be commended for your efforts and please do not compare yourself to the OM b/c the fact that he is totally opposite from you shows just how "sick" her frame of mind is. I think that b/c he is so different from anything that would "fit" into the family...says a lot but I'm no doctor so I don't know how to put it into words. I know that my OM was completely opposite from my H and his lifestyle was opposite from ours, so I think that was what drew me to him b/c I was trying to escape from my own life and all that represented it. I did not want anything to "remind" me of my "old life" b/c I wanted something entirely different & new. I believe that had a lot to do with your W drawing to her OM. It is craziness b/c none of it makes sense. There is no telling how long ago that this started working on her mind and it continued to grow into this monster. She does not want to see it for what it truly is and she's still living in a fantasy in spite of the conditions, so that is why you must continue to apply tough love.

Take care of "you" and remember we are here for you.




It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I didn't realize I had hit the submit key with my post and wasn't through editing it, so that is why it looks like I double posted. The second one is the one I meant to send originally.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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That is great info Sandi, I am going to use it for my sit.

The W is in the same thinking mode of thinking all of a sudden life could be better w/o me after 11 yrs. Crazy.

BJ, man your sit is unfortunate but I applaud you brother for your strength. I don't know how you do it but keep it up.


M:35
W:36
M:10 yrs
T:11.5 yrs
C: B7, G3
ED: 3/09
DB: 3/20/09
Served 12-8-09
Still going through the process
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
I can't think of anything much worse to have to live in when a couple is "done" with their M and having to stay under the same roof.


Sandi,

It's not easy, that is for sure. Right now, she is "done" with our M and does not want to work with me on a "new" M. I don't want the old M either. I'm not done fighting yet- at least for a new M- but I am "done" with her attitude and selfishness.

Quote:
The reason I say this is b/c she needs to have the romantic vale removed from that R with the OM. It needs to sound as ugly as it really is--instead of how she has it imagined in her mind. It isn't some high school fling....it is adultry and it needs to be exposed for what it is. Do the kids know about OM and what their mother did while on the trip? How does she act around them? How do they feel about her?


I have underscored the sleaziness of it all with her but she just won't see the A for what it is. It's all about not being happy with me, according to her. No personal accountability on her part whatsoever. My sons know something is up with my W, they just don't know exactly what her problem is. I'm pretty sure the kids don't know what she did on the trip- they were pretty involved with playing with their cousins.

Quote:
I don't know, I'm blowing off steam as if I'm part of the family here. I should be giving you encouragement instead of talking like this. But it makes me angry at her to treat her family the way she has. BTW, do you have copies of her cell phone bill where she's contacted OM? Maybe your BIL could send a notorized statement of how she behaved while on the trip.....I don't know b/c I've not been down this road.


Everyone is pissed off at my W. My BIL has written her off completely after OM threatened him and my W backed up OM. My BIL and W are no longer speaking to each other. My BIL has told me "just divorce her a$$". I have another SIL and BIL that are equally upset over my W's behavior. My FIL and MIL are very upset and would like to see my W and I reconcile. Everyone on my side of the family are pissed and think our M is over.

BTW, California is a no-fault divorce state so all of the crap my W has pulled thus far is moot.

As always, thanks again for your support and encouragement Sandi.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Originally Posted By: Jman
BJ, man your sit is unfortunate but I applaud you brother for your strength. I don't know how you do it but keep it up.


Jman,

I draw strength from my personal beliefs and principles that I have always lived by- that is what keeps me going. Oh, and did I mention that I am also very stubborn? That too.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Quote:
My FIL and MIL are very upset and would like to see my W and I reconcile. Everyone on my side of the family are pissed and think our M is over.


I'm sure it must terrify your inlaws at the possibility of their D ending up with a sleeze like OM!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi,

They are very concerned about my W ending up with OM, no doubt about it. Understandably they hate this SOB OM along with the rest of the extended family- he will never be accepted by anyone. Most definitely, both of my sons will hate this prick not to mention harbor much anger towards my W for breaking up our family. Yet, according to my W, there is very little possibility of her and OM getting together as he won't move to Calif. and she can't move back there because of the kids. Still, she refuses to give up having an A with OM and since OM has nothing going for himself- and absolutely nothing at stake- this A has the potential to go on for a very long time. Meanwhile, my W tells me how she would rather live alone with the kids- I'm no longer an option since OM has "opened her eyes to what she has been missing"- and if "Mr. Right" happens to walk into her life, great!

Of course, as part of her ideal situation, I am supposed to move out of the house, pay mucho child and spousal support and if I'm lucky, she'll let me see the kids on the weekends.

It's tough. I'm fighting to save our M and my W- in her own passive/aggressive way- is trying to bust our M. She really wants me to hate her enough so I file for D so she doesn't have to.

I don't know what it is going to take to ring my W's bell at this point. I have a sinking feeling that it's going to take A LOT. So right now I'm looking at S with her in the hopes that maybe if she experiences the costs associated with running two households, sharing the kids 50/50 along with all of the other negatives maybe she will reconsider wanting to work with me on our M. Plus, I just need space from her and her attitude right now.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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She's using the kids as an excuse. It comes down to the fact that she's afraid to leave. She's afraid to lose her life raft (you).

You have to cut off her support system by living your own life and show her you're happy without her. That the kids are happy without her.

She's in a very selfish period right now. You can't get yourself dragged into it. Showing her figures, facts, etc. isn't doing squat, so protect your and your children's interests.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

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Stuck is right, BJ. I think she will have to experience the school of hard knocks before it makes a believer out of her. It seems that she is way too deep into the fog and over in that "never-never land" for you to be able to reach.

If you can endure a S with her then do what you can, but if you make anything "easy" on her (still...trying to protect & help her), then you will never see the wife you once knew b/c she will continue to be this woman you can't bear to be around. Right now you are really ticked....and it took you a long time to get to this place...or so it seemed. I still believe you have to continue to put tough love into place to ever be able to have hope for a future.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Sandi/Stuck,

Thank you for the feedback. Well, here is what happened since my last post. After speaking to my W again about physically S this past Sunday, her response was to go to the courthouse Monday morning, talk to a paralegal and bring home paperwork to file for a D with the intent of having me booted from our house. After speaking to an attorney I had previously consulted with, he advised that the only chance I would have of challenging my W's attempt to force me out of the house would be if I filed for D first. I was very adverse to doing this, but after speaking with my family and a close friend, I was convinced by all that I needed to make a stand against my W and start defending/protecting myself. So this morning I filed for D from my W and she was served this afternoon.

My W went ballistic, particularly over comments I made in my complaint over her A with OM as well as her lack of effort in seeking employment comparable to what she had prior to her termination and the beginning of her A. After going to the courthouse and filing a response, she came back home and got back into the same routine she has had for the last 6 months. We talked and I explained to her that she had forced my hand- I cannot continue to under perform at work- putting my job at risk- as a result of her being a negative distraction here at the house. I had sought to negotiate a workable solution to physically S from her and she had refused. Of course, my W could not appreciate my point of view nor understand why I couldn't just deal with the fact that she doesn't want a MR with me, she won't forsake her A and I can continue to worry about my job and our financial situation by myself while supporting the family.

Then I got more of the same crap that I always do, about how soooo unhappy she is with me and our MR and how there is NO WAY she will ever give me a chance to reconcile with her. And how she does not believe that relationships in general should take work to maintain. (Amazing how she can say this since a lack of maintenance is what got her and I to where we are now in our MR. Boy is she in for a big surprise in her next R!)

I am very angry at my W for the way she has treated me and everyone else in the family with no respect or caring for anyone's feelings. I am tired of being spat on and treated like less than dirt. I don't know what it is going to take for my W to WAKE UP but I'm done being treated this way by her. I'm done! And here is more icing on the cake: My W just came in with D3 from having ice cream with her friends and the first words out of D3's mouth are "Mommy likes (OM name)!!" Said right in front of both of my sons.

I'm too pissed off right now to continue posting. I'll check in later. Any thoughts and/or feedback is welcome as always.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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