Tristan, I'm here because a friend ask me to look into your thread. My wife went through a similar period and has definite bipolar/BPD tendencies. I'm in agreement with everyone that it is NOT your responsibility to pay for her to leave. I didn't pay for my wife to leave; she financed it herself. Plus the kids stayed with me.
I'm not at the end of my sitch yet; but her moving out helped me heal the quickest. We get along great at the moment; but I'm not financing her life. That's my wife's responsibility.
Be friendly to your wife; but you don't have to be BFFs right now. She's breaking up the family. Look into yourself and get healthy for your kids sake. And DO NOT start dating other women!! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
You are not ready for that AND you are still married. Take the high road!
There you go again. I won my bet. You bully women on this site until they leave here, or surrender.... After posting something that clearly was inappropriate on YOUR end, I called you on it. I knew an apology was impossible but I wanted to make my point. (And It is not the offended party that is "wrong yet again, " but you the maker of the comment).
Glad you won the bet, not sure I even knew one was in place but congrats on winning it anyways.
How what I said was inappropriate is beyond me, I think it was an honest statement & question I posed, not sure why I have to feel bad & apologize for that. That's how I communicate, direct and to the point.
Not sure what point you are making... still?! What did I say that was CLEARLY inappropriate. We're here to be honest and discuss openly problems that affect or have affected all of us and i'll continue to do that.
As for my advice to Tristan, it was to treat his wife like an adult and an equal. That means being responsible for your actions and knowing that actions have consequences. Being overly nice & sensitive towards his wife only rewarded him with continued discussions of how she continued to see the OM, wanted to separate, pursue a relationship, etc. That was disrespectful of her towards him and I'll stand by that any day of the week and twice on friday's!
25yearsMLC, You aren't being bullied into anything, you can continue to post here as much as you want, we're all online and we're all anonymous at this point - how can what I do affect you & your ability to post on this or any other forum?!
We offer Tristan advice, it's his choice to act in the end, it's his life. Please stop turning this into an argument session, we're here for Tristan, not your personal agenda and I have to say it, you sound a little controlling although some of what you say has some merit "Tristan would do well to learn what NOT to do or say to women....".
I'll take it one step further, We would ALL do well to learn what NOT to do or say to our spouses & vice versa.
I think the irony here on these threads is that we forget that men and women communicate differently.
What you, Puppy, experience as bullying may be different than how others might.
I hate to generalize (especially because I think plenty of guys feel bullied here too), but really we (men and women) often experience the same words very differently especially when the topic specifically deals with gender related distinctions and assertions.
To be more succinct, it is a subjective experience and there's nothing wrong with just apologizing when someone feels bullied by you...I know what the answer is going to be so fine, forget it.
BTW- 25 is too wise and too brilliant to be that invested in getting an apology from a virtual poster anyway.
I did a child support calculation and it looks like if I used that for 50/50 split; I would owe her $600/month. I know she will ask for this. Is it reasonable that I pay it now; since I think I would be legally obligated to pay it if it were a true divorce?
Saturday Morning: Woke up, almost no communication with wife. It was very uncomfortable. Told her that I was going to go play soccer. She said OK and she took the girls. Soccer was good, it was a good relief. But it was still hard to keep my mind from wandering even as I was on the field. It's been a while since I played; so the guys were asking "Where have you been all year?". My reply was just "Busy."
I called dad and gave him the whole rundown on my situation. My family suspects something was going on but had no clue what. It felt good to get it off my chest; but my dad now has to keep the secrets too.
After lunch, W asked me to come up to the bedroom. "How are doing?", she asks.
"Truthfully, I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed at this whole situation. I reply. But it is what it is, to use your expression. I will just love the girls the best I can given the situation.", I reply. The girls then interrupt. I walk out of the room to take care of them. I walk back in the room. She is lying down, so I let her be.
She asks if I can take the girls to the park and I do. She originally planned on us all going, but I don't think she felt like it. Had a good time at the park. My legs were sore from the soccer match; so it was a little painful chasing the girls around.
I just got home and MIL told me W is out shopping for a book. I believe it is a childrens book on divorce. This will really suck for them.
Tristan, I'm here because a friend ask me to look into your thread. My wife went through a similar period and has definite bipolar/BPD tendencies. I'm in agreement with everyone that it is NOT your responsibility to pay for her to leave. I didn't pay for my wife to leave; she financed it herself. Plus the kids stayed with me.
I'm not at the end of my sitch yet; but her moving out helped me heal the quickest. We get along great at the moment; but I'm not financing her life. That's my wife's responsibility.
Be friendly to your wife; but you don't have to be BFFs right now. She's breaking up the family. Look into yourself and get healthy for your kids sake. And DO NOT start dating other women!! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
You are not ready for that AND you are still married. Take the high road!
Thank you marriedCrazy. Do you still have any desire to remain married to your wife?
Puppy, it was the suggestion about my sex life with my h that I felt was out of line and not appropriate. When I called him on it, he did his usual "you're so touchy" thing that annoys the crap out of most women, (yeah, I know, it's a generalization but I'll stick by it anyhow). And it's not the first time robx talked that way to women here, who's situations he knows nothing of.....so a few don't post here anymore and yeah, I think tristan loses b/c of that.
I do think if you have not read someone's thread you ought to use a bit of restraint with the suggestions or commentary b/c the chance of you getting it way off, are a lot higher. There, that's my point.
back to you, Tristan, how willing is your w's family to help her get help? do they "get it"? What's with the "MIL" comment? I'm assuming she makes things way worse but does SHE admit your w had a few "issues"? Does mil feel guilty or ashamed and therefore act more in denial?
Have you given some serious thought to not simply handing over the kids if she's acting unstable? Custody --can you take them on full time IF needed? Here's the caveat....if you have left her with the kids in the past on her own for extended time, like when you were on business trips, then it's hard to suddenly say "You're too crazy to care for them now" as it will look vindictive.
This does NOT apply if you have noticed new, odd behavior that has nothing to do with OM...cuz if it's all about OM, then you may look punitive. (Not saying that the OM stuff is normal or healthy, but I am saying the court will want "evidence" that you see odd behavior that does not relate to her apparent rejection of you. Make sense? I think you have some of this with the emotional outbursts, and swings, but that's what they'll look to, fyi).
Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She has only had a handful of days over the past 3 yrs where she would not have been able to handle the kids. And she knows who to call if she can't take care of it herself.
MIL only knew that she was out shopping for a book (she didn't know what kind). MIL is sorry for me. She says she does not know what happened. She knows W has issues. W says MIL is on my side. However, in the end, MIL will always support W no matter what happens (as it should be).
mil may "side" with her grandchildren, not her d or you. Don't assume too much, but make it clear that YOUR priorities are your children's happiness, and that you love your w very much, which we all can see.
I too love my kids. I have a s23 and a d20 (and a much younger one too) But if one of them pulled this stunt on "my" grandkids and or their own spouse, don't think I would not come down hard on MY kid,
and I'd get them help if that was what was called for, but if it were an MLC or some other sane but selfish thing, I'd openly advocate for the M....I have seen this work with my own family when my oldest brother got an ego "virus" and wanted OW and a div from a great w, and we all just clamped down and said "WTH are you doing?" and he eventually got it. Finally, 5 months later he stopped acting like a fool. And the OW was embarrassed to learn we ALL were not "okay" with her, and she wanted out then, so I have seen family pressure work well.
Don't bad mouth your w to MIL, that is a bad idea. But that's a lot diff than asking for help with keeping the family together. See the diff?
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
