A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[givingitmyall]

Hey Dia,

I haven't been posting to your thread much the last few days, but I just wanted you to know I have been watching. And things seem to be going in the right direction for you. Keep it up.

[Dia]

Odd day.

First it was the Day of Defunct Devices. Woke up to no internet (horrors!) courtesy of a defunct router. Paced around until tech came. H was smarter and worked in his garden. Left for 11 am meeting when the check engine light came on in my car. Then, despite topping a three-quarter charge, my cell phone drained its battery dry during my 3 hr meeting, beeped pitifully and turned itself off.

Got home in a serious frazzle as I do not have the funds to fix any of these devices and their antics made me behind in my work, incommunicado with both my boss and my dad who is trying to coordinate a truck tomorrow to deliver my earthly goods into a storage unit up here.

H not only listened to me vent, but invited me to vent. He listened sympathetically. He validated me. He said anybody would be stressed under those conditions. He called me reasonable. (During the Bad Time, his pet names for me were 'demanding' and 'unreasonable'.)

Somebody call Area 51 because the Pod People stole my husband.

He upgraded our DSL to a more expensive plan - more on this later.

The hugs are getting more and more personal. A hand in my hair one time, fingers wrapping round my ribs another. And he's offering them w/o me asking.

He asked if he could join me sitting on the couch. And we talked - not about anything in particular, just talked.

I asked what his plans were for the evening, and he asked if I wanted to watch a movie. I said yes.

He invited me to go to the beach after work with him and kidlet and then sat hip to hip, elbow to elbow with me on the sand while kidlet played in the water. And we talked some more.

I made dinner and he raved about my 'flair' for cooking and he did so in this 'really thinking about it' way - you know, when they stop and look at you sort of like they've never actually seen you before?

Then we had the world's strangest psuedo-R talk. It started about money - I don't remember exactly how. Oh yeah - groceries. The cupboards are a little bare, which prompted the comment about my cooking. Using produce from the garden, I made a whole meal with only two purchased items - 1 can of refried beans and some tortillas. I added onions, red pepper, lettuce and tomatoes. Oh, yeah - and cheese, so three purchased items.

So, I mentioned that I would help with groceries. He demurred, saying feeding me was the least he could do, I ate so little, etc. I said that while kidlet and I were staying with him, I couldn't see a reason for him to continue paying child support. Again, he demurred, but I insisted. So he said that if he wasn't going to be paying child support, then he'd be able to keep the internet upgrade he'd just ordered. (Note that he ordered it before I said the thing about no child support and helping with expenses, and weight all of this against 'complete financial separation' a few weeks ago. Here kitty, kitty.)

Then he went into the strange part. I can't quote all of it, but it was all about how I'm building a foundation, and helping me do that and being there for me is something he really wants to do. That he just couldn't see me moving into this new phase of my life in debt or anything like that, and if it took awhile before I could help with expenses, that would be ok. And afterall, we don't have a written agreement about it anymore. (It, what?? Child support? The divorce? It sounded more like child support...)

So.. I have no clue what that all meant. I don't think it amounted to "I'd really like it if you'd stay for good."

Possible Translation #1: "You still have to move out, but maybe not so soon... like, it would be ok if it took more than 30 days...you know, because I want to be there for you."

Possible Translation #2: "I'm conflicted as hell and I have no clue what I'm babbling about."


So we ate dinner, we watched Meet the Robinsons under the same blanket on the couch, about half of it with kidlet under the blankie, too. Then he went and read to kidlet before bed, and I covertly listened to them from my spot in the LR (very sweet!) while I watched the stars through the window.

Last night was the first clear night here in a long time, so I decided to take a second step out of my comfort zone.

I asked him to come look at the stars with me. This is a big deal because it happens snuggled together in the hammock and usually involves making out at a minimum and LM at best. And there was no kidlet in the hammock like last time.

He.

Said.

Yes.

I expected him to bring his own blanket (so we wouldn't have to touch) but he didn't so we both got under mine. And he snuggled against me and nestled his head against my shoulder. When the shock wore off, we both turned our eyes to the heavens and... there were no stars! In the scant 8 minutes it took us to go from tucking kidlet in to the hammock, the sky had clouded over. DOH!!!

We laughed about it, and even with no stars, he nestled back against me. Alas, without the surface reason for being out there, namely the stars, he decided he was tired and should go to bed. But he promised me 'there would be other nights.'

[Virtually_Handsome]

You know what?

Whatever you are doing? DON'T STOP!

((((((Dia))))))

[Dia]

Thanks, Jeff! I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing. I think maybe I'm leading? I also think this is more DR than DB, esp. the part about asking. My DB Coach said that it seemed my H responded well to me asking.

[Virtually_Handsome]

DB is doing what works. It sure as heck looks like what you are doing is working.

By the way, I vote for translation #2. He hasn't a clue right now!

The hammock sounded wonderful. Really.

[Kettricken]

*Totally* what Jeff said. Don't stop.

If "demanding" was the epithet-du-jour before ... all the more reason why asking politely is probably getting good results, no?

[mac-ct]

Yay Dia - whatever I have seems to be contagious


Gloriuos feeling eh?

I'm with the handsome guy

Number 2 on the hit parade! Without a shadow of a doubt.

You plod on girl. It's working. I know it, you know it and he doesn't know whats going to hit him

And I'm going to get me a hammock as well!

(((((Dia)))))

Mac

[Dia]

Hi, all,

Thanks for dropping in.

Re: demanding and unreasonable... <grinning>

Yeah, apparently I 'demanded' that he deal with the drinking issues and help out more around the house, and apparently those 'demands' were 'unreasonable'. He also threw 'mid-life crisis' at me, and 'hormonal'.

(and yes, I know that was his subjective experience and therefore valid, and yes, I'm sure he felt very put upon and yes, I probably *did* come across as nagging, angry, strident, etc. on at least *cough* one occasion. )

[bluerain]

Oh Dia, that sounds great! Im so glad that things are going well for you! I agree: Keep doing exactly what you are doing!

Enjoy whats happening now, and please dont get discouraged if he scares himself and backs off a little. Its part of the roller coaster! It seems like you have turned the corner! I hope that your road stays straight and you keep making progress!

[Dia]

Shake up day for H.

My father arrived with a truck, but there were a few things that had to go into H's house. One of them ought to help take the shock out of the rest. I bought a really amazing MAN grill last year because I can't stand doing steaks or burgers under the broiler. The company (Vermont Castings) was going out of business, so I got a grill normally selling for upwards of $800 for about $250. He will love the heck out of that grill.

The shake up is that even though only a small amount of my stuff came into the house (most of which was actually kidlet's stuff), psychologically I bet this will feel like I'm moving back in and may create a freak out.

Additionally he hates chaos in his environment and he got a bunch today as I had to stack kidlet's boxes in the guest room b/c kidlet's room is not ready to take them. My exercise bike is in two peices in the dining room, etc.

And tomorrow, my cat will arrive.

This morning was interesting, too. H got up very early for a Saturday - about 6:15 am. And he went to his computer. I've had other times where I wondered if he was contacting OW and for the bulk of those (of not all) I decided he wasn't. This time felt a lil different. The activity woke me up, and when I went to the bathroom, I saw him closing his email window. I then went to the master bed and slept til 8 am, but by the time I went kidlet was up and I don't know if H would get into a complicated email or chat session w/her with kidlet in the room. Kidlet's desk is less than 3 feet from H and kidlet reads at the 9th grade level and FAST too.

Later during the morning, he began measuring various spaces in the office. He said it was making him uncomfortable to have people walking around and such behind him. Now, it's possible this is totally legit. He's been living in that house pretty much alone for two years except for short visitations. But for the last two months, he's had kidlet, me and FIL to deal with so that's been a pretty big change for him. And while it's true that he's never liked people looking over his shoulder, part of me wonders if he's feeling some heat about reduced computer contact with OW.

If he is, GOOD!!

See, even not knowing her, I would guess that she's felt the pullback and might be pressuring him for more contact. Much as I don't like distressing another human being (her), there needs to be MORE discomfort in that particular relationship. In fact, I hope I stay in the house long enough that she ends it with him. The tone for this is not snarky, btw - it's straight up and rational.

She took a risk getting involved with a man who was still married and the risk may not pay off. For the record, she's going through a contested divorce herself. All I know about it is that her H suffered a head injury in an accident and somehow 'it changed him'. So she's divorcing him, and he's fighting it. The cynical part of me is looking at that and saying, "Wow. So much for that whole 'in sickness and in health' thing, huh?" I suppose it's possible that it made him violent or unable to care for himself or something but it's really none of my affair (literally!).

Here's the benefit of all of this for me. The old me would have moved that stuff in and then let it sit. And sit. And sit sit sit. I have a golden opportunity to demonstrate a 180 by processing those boxes quickly and not letting the clutter annoy H. It won't be an overnight thing because kidlet's room needs to be excavated first (with a frigggen backhoe!), but even if he just sees me working on it, it will be good.

Re: the truck - I don't know how we did it, but we got everything from a 14 foot Uhaul into a 5x10 storage unit. I am sure we contravened at least one law of nature...