She is now resisting your kisses, do you see she knows the power & hold she has over you, never mind the spoken word, body language is much more powerful & revealing. She is also toying with you, looking at you to get a rise from you, saying words like "handsome" to give you a false sense of security and then she pulls the floor out from underneath you.
Robx, I cannot tell you how deeply disturbing I find it that you would chip in like an all-wise deity with assessments like this about someone who is *diagnosed and being medicated for mental illness, and not mild depression either*. No, it doesn't "excuse" infidelity. But do ya think there just might be a chance that her responses might NOT fit neatly into a WAS script?
Tristan. Dude. This is a situation beyond the facile advice of anonymous people on the internet. You never deserved this -- nobody does -- and I feel deeply for you. For the sake of yourself and your whole family, I would urge you to seek the advice of a mental health professional. Both to gain (further) insight into your wife's condition and capabilities, the effects of her medications, etc, and to get some support to help keep *you* on an even keel during this horrible time. No, it's not fair, but you gotta be the adult here. Getting overly clingy, involving the OP's spouse, falling apart yourself ... frankly, you just can't afford to. Your kids need at least one parent to be stable. Get whatever help you need to get there. My prayers are with you.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
He still thinks she has some borderline tendencies and that I should consider removing myself from the relationship for my own health. After hearing how I felt about it, he said "You are not there yet."
He knows she is confused (he was our MC before she broke it off), but says she has to deal with her own issues. When I asked if she is thinking rationally, he said "It is rational to her.".
That borderline/bipolar diagnosis boundary can be a *bitch*; you don't know how much I feel for you based on some experiences of my own.
Given that her meds previously seemed to stabilize her until she had the allergic reaction ... my total nonprofessional advice would tend toward giving her as much time to stabilize on this med as you can stand. (I don't mean acting a-ok with OM or anything; she absolutely will have to deal with that herself at some point. Just not actively pushing her toward any major decision *at the moment*.) You're the only one who knows how much you can take.
Are you doing everything you can in the direction of self-care? Good nutrition/sleep/exercise? Like you said, taking care of yourself IS work. Don't underestimate the benefits of good physical maintenance on your mental/emotional state.
((((Tristan))))
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Here is another resource, tristan. It might be helpful for you in trying to sort out your own feelings. I have this book, and it has helped ME a lot, (for one thing even though I go to Al Anon and love it, there is a portion of it that doesn't sit right with me, and he really gets into that as well, on the issue of detachment and what that means. And detachment is talked about a lot here but can be confusing to many)
This guy was married to a borderline...although she didn't meet the criteria for a full diagnosis, she "just" had tendencies. But that can be enough.
One reason so many of us are continually saying that you want to make sure her meds are as stabilized as possible..is that it WILL give you a better picture of things. BPD CANNOT be treated with medication. Bipolar can. Of course, a person can also be both.
I agree with Kettricken...all this stuff about exposure at work, etc etc..is getting off the real track of what's happening here. Why get dragged into or start a bunch of drama with unknown consequences when there is already enough drama to go around? One thing at a time. IMO.
She is now resisting your kisses, do you see she knows the power & hold she has over you, never mind the spoken word, body language is much more powerful & revealing. She is also toying with you, looking at you to get a rise from you, saying words like "handsome" to give you a false sense of security and then she pulls the floor out from underneath you.
Robx, I cannot tell you how deeply disturbing I find it that you would chip in like an all-wise deity with assessments like this about someone who is *diagnosed and being medicated for mental illness, and not mild depression either*. No, it doesn't "excuse" infidelity. But do ya think there just might be a chance that her responses might NOT fit neatly into a WAS script?
Tristan. Dude. This is a situation beyond the facile advice of anonymous people on the internet. You never deserved this -- nobody does -- and I feel deeply for you. For the sake of yourself and your whole family, I would urge you to seek the advice of a mental health professional. Both to gain (further) insight into your wife's condition and capabilities, the effects of her medications, etc, and to get some support to help keep *you* on an even keel during this horrible time. No, it's not fair, but you gotta be the adult here. Getting overly clingy, involving the OP's spouse, falling apart yourself ... frankly, you just can't afford to. Your kids need at least one parent to be stable. Get whatever help you need to get there. My prayers are with you.
Deeply disturbing, why? You want to be deeply sympathetic towards his wife while she finds herself, has an affair with OM, asks for dissolution of marriage and uses her depression as a crutch for her behaviors.
I think she is doing most of the things that fit "neatly" into the WAS script. She feels guilty for what she's doing but still does it. The infamous "I love you but I'm not in love with you but I feel like I'm in love with the OM". The OM is exciting to me and you aren't. The need to separate & move out, flaunting & discussing her meetings with the OM, mention of a convenient "open apartment" that the OM has.
I guess I'm wrong, none of the above fits "neatly" into the WAS script, all of this stuff is pretty unique, I don't think we've heard any of this before.
Yes his wife has depression, possibly bi-polar, possibly anxiety. She's on medication. She is functional, she is still a parent, still an employee who apparently is excelling at work. She still sees the OM, she's even been juggling attempting to show affection for Tristan out of guilt while still admitting spending time with the OM and looking at Tristan for some sort of reaction from him, some type of leadership or boundary that says "enough is enough!". Since she is able to maintain all of these higher-level functions and on top of that willingly see a psychiatrist and discuss her feelings and her actions and it doesn't appear that she is suffering from memory loss at all during all of this, can we not grant her responsibility of her actions or is she really so incapacitated that we must take away all of her responsibility in this.
Am I allowed to still call her an adult even though her actions are immature and hurtful towards Tristan and their family? I think so but then again maybe that's me.
I'm not an all wise deity. Am I an expert, nope. I have spent the last 2 years of my life heavily investing in a personal education of human nature and psychology. I don't have my degree... yet ;-)
My opinions are just that, opinions.
Tristan appears to be asking for help. Telling him to sympathize with his wife's conditions & actions while neglecting his own personal value & self-respect in all of this in MY opinion isn't helping him much.
I could say "Hang in there Tristan, in the end you'll still be the better person!"
Or I can give him some tough love (and it hasn't been that tough yet), a kick in the pants, help him up when he falls and show him how to help himself up when he falls again the next time. I can tell him when he's acting insecure and it's affects on himself and his wife and why he should stop it. I can offer him some insight on the education I wish I had 10 years ago. He can choose to use the information and he can choose to disregard it, he has free will, much like his wife.
Kettricken, reading the last few parts of your post, not sure what I said that was so different from what you posted.
He still thinks she has some borderline tendencies and that I should consider removing myself from the relationship for my own health. After hearing how I felt about it, he said "You are not there yet."
He knows she is confused (he was our MC before she broke it off), but says she has to deal with her own issues. When I asked if she is thinking rationally, he said "It is rational to her.".
It is rational to her. She still knows right from wrong. Her mental issues/state aside, she still knows what she is doing on some level is wrong but she continues to do it. It is very rational to her to pursue what she feels is love with this OM.
Here is another resource, tristan. It might be helpful for you in trying to sort out your own feelings. I have this book, and it has helped ME a lot, (for one thing even though I go to Al Anon and love it, there is a portion of it that doesn't sit right with me, and he really gets into that as well, on the issue of detachment and what that means. And detachment is talked about a lot here but can be confusing to many)
This guy was married to a borderline...although she didn't meet the criteria for a full diagnosis, she "just" had tendencies. But that can be enough.
One reason so many of us are continually saying that you want to make sure her meds are as stabilized as possible..is that it WILL give you a better picture of things. BPD CANNOT be treated with medication. Bipolar can. Of course, a person can also be both.
I agree with Kettricken...all this stuff about exposure at work, etc etc..is getting off the real track of what's happening here. Why get dragged into or start a bunch of drama with unknown consequences when there is already enough drama to go around? One thing at a time. IMO.
What control does Tristan have over his wife's meds and making sure they are as stabilized as possible. I'm sure he has as much influence on that as he does on his wife's other actions. I've even known some women who will stop taking their "meds" (anti-depressants) because quite a few of those drugs tend to promote weight gain - WAW's with depression dealing with distorted body images would rather keep their weight gain to a minimum than take their required med's.
Unless you plan to have her hospitalized where she is force fed her med's, you have no control over her meds and her stabilization. Tristan you are also to close to her, don't bother mentioning anything that the IC told you, the doctor told you about her condition, etc. She will just consider it in some form or fashion a way of you trying to control her and get her back and this will drive her away even further.
She is in love with her feelings right now - this much I am sure of, she is in love with them so much that she will follow them to their ultimate conclusion whatever that is.
Tristan what you want and what you communicate to her are a polar opposite of her feelings and she will side with them over you any day of the week, at least that is how she currently feels.
