Next day - he didn't call all day. Said he was "out of cell phone range". VEry unlike him and quite suspicious. I fear an OW. Instead of talking bout it, I simply asked him again to please tell me a specific plan for tomorrow. He keeps resisting this, I am not reacting, but I am being clear and firm about my desire even though he is blowing me off. I hope this is not engaging him too much, or "pursuing". Meanwhile, trying to self soothe and not panic about imagining an OW. If he is off having a day to himself, I am trying to hold postitive thoughts that he is taking care of himself. That can only be good. However, I am resentful that he will not give me a time when he will show up or call, but I refuse to argue. Part of me thinks the best 180 is to not talk to him at all when he disappears, but the other part of me says I need to be clear and firm in my needs. Or like I said, is this not being detached enough? Thoughts?
good job! But now you have to get off the schedule...understand you can't rely on him. Let him know and work it out between the two of you when he has S and let it go at that. He will eventually get better at letting you know what the plan will be....IF you let this go for now.
It's one of his controls over you. So take it away.
You can do this and OW is possible but don't fret about it yet. See what happens how his actions may indicate there's an OW. Lots of texts....walking away when his phone rings....etc.
Hey Thinking about you....looking for clarification....what is the arraignment for his time with S? Does he take him the standard one day a week and every other weekend? Now, for your S there needs to be a schedule that he adheres to....you S should be as important now than he ever was. This is a tough time for him to and everyone needs to think about what's best for him.
If you and H schedule something, like family night....and he doesn't come through, you go anyways. And you make it clear that YOU invited HIM and even if he didn't show up, you are still going to go and enjoy yourself, with or without him. Let him know, he is NOT the end all be all and YOU do have a life outside of him that you will and can live.
Yeah, I hate the controls. He feels he really needs them now. He did eventually call to say when he was coming over but you're right, I do not need to let him have that power. I can just make my own plans and not assume I can count on him for anything.
He is constantly on the text/email/phone contraption - usually as a way to tune us out. I have no idea if it's work related or OW. I am choosing not to worry about it until I know something for sure. HOwever it drives me crazy when he's constantly on that thing instead of being present. Again, trying not to let this have any power over me, I expect no less.
He's still holding out power over our therapy sessions (MC). Our last ( and third session) he said he saw "no convincing evidence that anything will change so why should he waste his time." I bought the bait and got depressed for half a day. That was a week ago. Today he says he "wants to talk to me about the big picture" of going back to therapy. Basically, I'm going to get a litany of how things will be all his way or not. I feel like anyway is better than not so although I feel like a sucker, I'm going to let him have his control. Again, facing I can't rely on him, so he may never come back, he may walk away from the marriage, I can't control it. Cross your fingers for me.
Hi Stronger Sorry to hijack you like this but as a newbie, I didn't know how to get a message directly to you.
I noticed in one of your other posts that you asked someone to meet up with you on Facebook so that you could discuss some theories in blowing out the OW - I would love to learn about that myself. Please could you look me up and give me your best advice?
Thank you.
WAH 43; W 47 M 16; T 17 Cats 15 & 6 Bomb 27/05/09 ow 28/06/09
"It is only on the darkest night that we see the stars"
Hope Remember this....for now 100% of this is on you. NEVER feel like a sucker. For now, you have all of this weight to carry. You are doing this because you are a woman of great morals, deep love and integrity. You are making the choice to eat a lot of crap....but in the end, if you and your H create a new marriage, because the old one is dead, then there will come a day when he looks at you and says "Thank you...thank you for not quitting when I did."
That will be a huge day. And I think you are a big enough woman to get your whole family there.
Patience and strength like you never knew you had will get you there. Hold on tight and believe. You do have control over you. Maybe not him and probably never him, but you now and forever.
Well there are no custody arrangements. He left and we've been taking it one week at a time. Sometimes, I wanted to go out at night, sometimes he did, so we were flexible with each other. He felt I "controlled" the schedule for many months because I am an actress and I am given an evening schedule of rehearsals and shows two months in advance. I still don't know why this bothered him so much, because even when I got a babysitter to free him up to go out whenever he wanted, he still was angry. So I'm letting him have control now, hoping that will stop some of his excuses for being angry at me. He can't say I have any control any more.
so tonight over dinner he has a habit of being too firm with our son who is four. If S fools around at all, he puts S in bed for the rest of the night. He doesn't want me "interfering with his parenting method" but I just think it's too stressful and hurtful for S. H feels undermined by me and when I said S had "one more chance to behave at table" b/c I feel the important thing is that he EAT not be PUNISHED, H gets furious at me, starts yelling and being rude, goes to a corner, pouts, and refuses to talk to any of us. It's painful but for once (180) he is not getting a rise out of me. H is Punishing me. I won't take it. I'm going out for a walk for a couple hours. BUt ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Well, is that a ridiculous punishment? Can you see his side? If no, it's not ridiculous and yes you can see his side, let him do it. If you think it's crazy and no you can't see his side, then come to a different JOINT decision as a punishment.
Have you ever tried putting your son in "time out" when a poor choice is made?
A carpet square, or little chair that is isolated, and he sits there for one minute for every year old he is - so four minutes. When the time is up, he needs to apologize for his poor behavior, you give him a kiss, it's over.
I teach pre-school and have raised four children. Just a suggestion.
