A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Journalling....

I've fallen into a certain little ritual at 5 pm. H gets out of work @ 5 and gets home between 5 and 6. My work day technically goes til 6, but it's flexible based on when I started, if I took lunch, etc.

So at 5 pm, I have been doing the following.

I put work down for a few moments.
If there is any spot tidying to do in the house - 3-5 mins worth - I do it.
I brush my teeth and freshen my hair, make up, perfume and clothing if I've been doing something messy.
I may put music on.
I may start supper so he can smell it from the driveway.

On the surface of it, these things are for him. But here's the impact on ME.

I have a few moments to think of H and positively anticipate his arrival.
Fussing with hair and make up makes me feel feminine and attractive.
Even though I've been here all day, the house feels warmer, happier and more welcoming.
This does does wonders for my PMA!

Clarifying - I am not expecting any certain reaction from him, not even just to notice.

[Dia]

Another hurdle cleared...

Phew! This one was a real nail-biter for me. I asked H if I could bring my cat here. Dean is a 1 year old sweetheart ginger kitty. He's super affectionate and sleeps on my head at night like a hat. That cat was pretty much my sole source of cuddling and affection for all of the past year (aside from kidlet, of course). Pitiful, eh?

Anyhow, H and I already have two cats at H's house. I was almost certain that H would not want the disruption of an extra feline, esp. given that there will be a week or two of hissing and hiding while they all adjust to each other. I was extremely tense about asking, and I felt timid and stressed.

I knew if I approached him that way, that my feelings would contaminate him so I dialed up my best Act-As-If and brought it up with a breezy casualness as if I expected it to be a complete non-issue, a mere courtesy and formality. And he acted like it was already a foregone conclusion that I would bring my cat.

Huge relief!!

And I get to have my baby Dean!! I was terrified I'd have to rehome him. Yes, my M is more important than my cat so I'd have made the sacrifice if I had to but goshdarnit, pets are family and you don't leave family behind!

[bluerain]

Good Dia, having your kitty there will be good for you! Do you work from home?

I bet that this mini-victory was good for your attitude!

And I agree, pets arent used cars, and shouldnt be treated as such!

[Dia]

Hi, blue,

Dean is a shelter baby. My sister has his twin brother. I worked together with a rescue org to get him out of the shelter because he was only a few weeks old, couldn't (or wouldn't) eat the shelter food and had an eye infection. He would have died or been put down.

In my most miserable days, I used to drive over to the shelter on my lunch and take every single kitty out of the cage to pet, hold and love. I also dropped off cans of premium food because sometimes it's the only thing the littlest kittens would eat. It was salve for the soul. After a few months of this, they brought in baby Dean and his sib - and, well, after holding those two, I couldn't let go.

[givingitmyall]

Hey Dia,

Sounds like you are doing well.

FYI, we got a cat last Saturday - well, my W and kids did while I was at my grandfather's funeral.

I'm a dog person and have never had a cat before. She is warming up to me though. She's pretty cute, although she does not like one of our two dogs (golden lab). Both our dogs are super laid back and would never hurt anything, even a cat. But, apparently our cat either doesn't know that or isn't buying it.

[bluerain]

I work with a marine mammal rescue group here in Ak, and I agree, it is great for your PMA! Unfortunately with my job, I deal with almost always the dead ones, but when I do get to take part in a rescue, not just a recovery, I walk on sunshine for a little while!

Its one of the things that I highly recommend to people to GAL.

My cat is from a shelter too, he was an adult, not sure just how old, and I was trying to resist, but the guy pegged me for a sucker, Im sure, and told me that his euthanasia was going to be the next day... So I got a cat, his name is Steve.

[Dia]

So H was out on his weekly movie night with friends. We chatted a bit before he left (the cat story) and I happily told him to have a good time. In his absence, I watched a movie, read part of Passionate Marriage and watched for shooting stars on the back deck with the kidlet.

I was feeling especially warm toward H when he got home - gratitude for letting me have my kitty. We started talking in the kitchen when his phone buzzed and he said he had to get to someone on the computer. Well, you know what I thought, right? I immediately thought it was OW despite the fact that it was pushing 1 am her time.

While he was on the computer, I made us a pot of tea. In the process, I had to walk past the door of the office and there was no furtive behavior whatsoever on his part - no hunched shoulders, no closing of windows, shielding the screen, etc. So I put my PMA back on and finished making the tea.

About the time the tea was done, he came back to the kitchen - barely 10 mins - and seemed both surprised and touched that I'd poured tea for both of us including making his how he liked it. He accepted his cup and clinked mugs with me. Then he said the phone/computer thing was a tech contact of his in England who was asking for details on an unusual problem that H needed the answer to by morning.

So then I stepped squarely out of my comfort zone and did the following:

Dia: I'd like to ask a favor, and you can say no if you want. I'd like to kiss you on the cheek.

He blinked in surprise (it even seemed like pleased surprise), then eagerly leaned forward to present his cheek. So I gave him a nice, soft, tender kiss.

I told him how nice it was of him to let me have my cat, then I told him the story of how I got Dean. In the middle of the story, he led me over to the couch so we could sit.

The story touched him, and we talked for a bit longer, discussed the fact that kidlet has an invitation to an amusement park 40 miles away - Eeek! - and then H decided it was time for bed.

I got my goodnight hug and his hand came up to cup the back of my head again. Then we each went to our respective sleeping places.

Here's the only strange part for me - his reaction to the kiss was so very positive that I wonder if he's waiting for me to initiate? And if that's the case, why is he still holding the line about me sleeping on the couch? Anybody?

And, total afterthought - Day-um. If I'da known it would be that easy to kiss his cheek, I'da asked for a real one!!

[C-Bart]

And, total afterthought - Day-um. If I'da known it would be that easy to kiss his cheek, I'da asked for a real one!!

Your so funny! Thanks for the laugh. Good to hear things are going well for you.

[JKL2009]

Sounds like a very positive interaction.

[Dia]

Hi, C-Bart and JKL - thanks for the drive-bys!

I'm running H's bedding through the wash today (with his approval). The layer of cat fur in certain places was beginning to obscure the color of the fabric. For me, it's about more than cat fur, though. It's about purifying that bed psychically so it won't bug me if I should get the chance to do more than sleep in it.

These cleaning projects will eventually leave a pretty indelible mark on the house - indicators of my presence. I've wrestled a little over whether a) this is manipulative, or b) if I care. I've decided that since I've notified him in advance and gotten his explicit permission that it renders any possible manipulation moot. And given that context, I don't care! LOL!

His visible response to these things has been very positive so far. Guess I'll go from there.

Another interesting change. On one of my visits a few weeks ago, H stated emphatically that he wanted complete financial separation and I didn't resist that. With Gramma's passing, however, that makes my grandparents' car available since Gramp can't drive. H's car is on its last dying gasps, so I broached the possibility that if my dad knew we were interested, we might end up with Grampa's car. H said that would be great.

Also, with his rotator cuff re-injury, he's facing some potential medical expenses for physical therapy. I told him that as soon as I had paychecks coming in, I would contribute financially and it didn't matter what it was for. He thanked me and said he hoped he wouldn't need it. Note the difference from 'complete financial separation'. Then I laughed and said that once I had a paycheck, I was going to start buying groceries and there was nothing he could do to stop me - and we both laughed over that.

My sense is that we're navigating some of the logistics of possible reconciliation. We're slowly becoming more intertwined. I like this and want it, but the communication and successful negotiation will serve us well if we don't stay together, so it's win-win either way.