Partner left after 9 yrs - 18months on, reunited !

[Hope4us]

Ali,

Haven't posted to you before, but your comment about your BF not wanting to talk about it ever really spoke to me.

My W doesn't either. Every time I bring the A up, she says "I'm trying to move on and all you do is bring it up".

So I guess my question to you is, how do you (or we) go about getting what we need to heal from what's happened when part of that healing (at least for me) is to KNOW what about the last 2 years of my life was real and what wasn't? It's almost like an episode of The Twilight Zone, you wake up one day and everything you knew to be true for the last few years is suddenly in question.

How do we get from them what we need when they claim to need to never talk about it? Or is never talking about it just easier for them and they're still pretty selfish because they are more concerned how this crap has made them feel than helping us heal from their betrayal?

I'd be interested in how you feel about it and how you plan on handling it in the future.

[goodattitudegirl]

Ali and all,

I respect and value your opinions about these questions that have been asked. Hope4us' question really resonates with many I think. I am not as far along this path as many of you, but I am at the point of questioning whether IF my WAS one day chooses to reconcile, how will I know that he won't have some kind of meltdown again in the future? I asked Jody (DB coach) this question and she said that in the future we would need to avoid the triggers that activated this situation. She and I haven't had the chance yet to have a complete discussion about this yet, but I keep wondering how can we (LBS's) know what all the triggers might be? .....or how many triggers need to be activated for them to leave again? In your experience on the board, do walkaways show a willingness to have these conversations?

.....and how can avoiding triggers compensate for the emptiness some of our walkaway partners feel because of abandonment they experienced as children?

Interested in any thoughts you might have on this. Thanks.

GAG

[Dawn of Hope]

Hey, Ali,
When I read about the sex issue, I too immediately thought of ADs. I remember that when my doctor first prescribed them for me, she said that in her experience the side effect of sexual issues is MUCH more common than the published statistics, and I can tell you for sure it was true with me.

When I started on the ADs, even though H and I had a normal intimate R at the time, the satisfaction level for me went wayyyyyy down, due strictly to the meds and not to any failure on the part of my H. I was basically reduced to one fully satisfying encounter per year for the initial three years I was on ADs! It was totally frustrating for both of us, and I kept switching meds to try to find something that worked without that side effect. Is anyone surprised that I was so eager to get off of the ADs? It was a major catch-22 for me, because if I was on the ADs, it hurt the sexual R, and if I was off the ADs, I was a lot harder for H to deal with all around because of the untreated depression...so no matter what choice I made, it was hard on my M.

I finally got off the ADs, with my doctor's okay, and I did all right for a while (the sex was much better, though!), but then started sliding down into major depression again. I was trying to find non-drug ways to deal with it, but the depression made it hard to actually follow through with those possibilities (which is the same sort of thing I am dealing with now). I resisted going back on the AD's, in large part because of what I just explained, and so that's why I was off of them when the bomb hit 2 years ago.

I was back on the ADs within 2 days of the bomb, but it took over 2 months to get the kinks worked out (we tried a new AD and it didn't work at all, so had to take even longer to switch), so it was 10 weeks of intense suffering for me after the bomb before the ADs even started to kick in (not counting the month before the bomb when I had strongly suspected what was going on, but didn't have confirmation yet). The AD I was on most recently (which I quit because I have no money and no health insurance) was the first one that seemed to have only a minimal effect on my sexual response, but by that time it was too late...H has not indicated any interest in me of that type since the bomb.

I have just told this long-winded story to explain how ADs can and do affect sexual stuff. In the case of ADs in men, obviously they have more of an effect on whether sex happens at all. Your BF needs to see his doctor about this; they are coming out with new ADs all the time, and there's no way to tell how they will affect an individual other than trial and error, so keep trying. It took me 7 different meds to find something that seemed to work without too many side effects, which might seem discouraging, but just remember, I did eventually find something. And there are plenty of non-drug possibilities too; it's just that those are usually more work than popping a pill, so it's harder to get those started if you're already depressed...so ideally you would start on those before you quit the ADs.

Hope that helps!

Peace,
Dawn

[Kalni]

Al,
I just saw the ML issue. Sorry mate, I know how that hurts. For me it was a major issue.But granted the rest in your R seems to be OK, I would be patient. How about talking to his doc about it?
K

[JCJ]

Or have you checked out Michele's books on the subject - she covers it extensively. There might be some thing in there you could try?

[RefuseToLose]

I am also wondering if BF would be willing to see a doctor about it?

Or, you could just grind up a Viagra and slip it into his beer...he'd have no choice but to act at that point, right?

Just kidding, but the doctor visit would possibly provide some insight for the two of you.

RTL

[kat727]

Rob you are just too funny...ground up viagra! LOL I just wanted to stop and check in on you. I had a unique experience the other day which I commented about on my thread if you care to check it out:divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1822723#Post1822723.

I hope that works but if not I am over in Infidelity for now. Hope you are having an awesome day!

kat

[goodattitudegirl]

Ali,

Here is another consideration.......There is actually an emerging body of peer-reviewed medical literature that talks about reduced testosterone as a contributor for male mid-life depression and reduced sex drive along with other symptoms. There is an article about it here (www.menshealth.com/cda/article.do?site=M...00013281eac____). This phenomenon has been referred to as male menopause or andropause. Since this is not a widely accepted phenomenon yet the average physician wouldn't screen for it and would probably be skeptical......but hey, until about 15 years ago the medical community thought that the adult brain couldn't create any new brain cells. We now know that the adult brain is definitely capable of creating new brain cells!!!!

GAG (resident nerd)

[AliSuddenly]

Hi guys, Michelle, Dawn, Kalni, Julia, GAG, thankyou for your commisserations and suggestions!! My WAS has given me more answers, more of that later and I will try and answer your questions, Hope4Us and GoodAGirl. I read all your ideas, but I was away for 5 days so couldnt post.

Well I talked to him again and suggested it could be the ADs but he said he is just tired and a bit stressed (his ezcema is very bad) but he doesnt know why and its NOT to do with me though. That I shouldnt worry as he knows it will come back and that anyway, putting pressure on him by worrying (he feels like he is letting me down) makes it worse. I dont think I can get him to discuss it with his Doc, he is picking up more ADs today and I bet he doesnt mention it.

Rob.. no need for Viagra, mechanically he works fine! GAG, yes, he did say he feels he has a reduced s*x drive, or that its gone. Seems to be a mental problem, not wanting to, just wants to "snuggle". SO.. I then read an article in a Cosmo like magazine whilst waiting for an appointment, about men not wanting to ML and you wanting to.. it suggested (as perhaps DB book does Julia?) to mix it up and make more effort to get the man initiated and to really try and help them get past the mental blockage, IF its not a medical issue.. so I took him to a fancy lingerie shop on the pretence of needing more new underwear (good god, my drawer is bursting from all this DB clothing!!!!).. I showed him the styles I preferred but got him to choose what he wanted and said I had no time to try on...

Well, the try on at home worked, in about... oh, 4 seconds!!?? I cant do that every week, but its a start.

We had a convo about underwear when we got back together. I was always of the feminist opinion it should purely be for comfort and men had no right to comment/expect their preference, but I see now that that is not what a healthy, loving R is all about. I prefer it when he dresses nice and shaves etc, its more of the same. So to choose nice underwear (not sl*tty!) is a big 180 for me, massive and he knows it and is very very appreciative. I can see he feels more loved and also, that his needs are getting met, and lack of that is the biggie with why men leave in teh first place apparently.

[JCJ]

Well, the try on at home worked, in about... oh, 4 seconds!!?? I cant do that every week, but its a start.

Love it Al, brilliant. Well done!