A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Journalling...

7:23 PM. The workday is over, dinner is made and eaten and it's winding down time. When I'm busy, I'm fine. When I start to wind down/ quiet down grief hits and it just makes everything look more bleak.

I really miss cuddling with H. I miss the security of having him there in the bed even if he's sound asleep. I miss being snuggled on the couch and watching a movie or both reading under the same blanket.

There are still emails coming in from my new job, but it's after hours and for what I'm being paid, I need to start training them right now that unless it's an emergency, I am not available after hours. That's MY time.

In all the chaos, I ran out of my thyroid med so I have to call the doc tomorrow because I'm out of refills, too.

I'm cold; I'm sad; I want my warm jammies (which I didn't pack) and I want to be under the down comforter in the *^#$*@ big bed with my husband beside me. GRUMP!!

And yes, PMS has hit. I don't tend to get bit$^%, I get vulnerable and weepy instead. Sigh.

Ok, big girl panties will return momentarily.

Note to self: didn't eat til 3 pm today aside from coffee. Probably not the wisest of ideas.

Upside: Made shrimp scampi with sauteed veggies and pasta for supper. It was *really* good. H loved it and the veggies were from his garden. I gave him some sincere WoA over the garden and he glowed for a bit.

For Kettricken: I guess I'll have to settle for the delightfully Freudian metaphor of strolling through H's garden to pluck an obscenely large zucchini.

[Kettricken]

It's harder, much harder, when they're "there" but not "there for you", I know. That can feel worse than being, for lack of a better term, genuinely alone.

Kudos on the cooking and WOA and *also* on training your new job in what to expect.

And yeah, eating properly at regular intervals is something you *can* control, and the results repay the effort. There's enough going on in your system already without adding low blood sugar brain into the mix....

... not to mention no thyroid med. Yikes!

(I now have this mental picture of you caressing an obscenely large zucchini in the twilight .... lol.)

[Dia]

Well, the evening ended on a better note.

I initiated a parenting discussion with H and it went well. I came from a place that was strong, but open, and wonder of wonders, H did not get defensive. In particular, I said that out of respect for 'his house, his rules' I had been standing back as a parent and not interfering. I asked him how he would like me to handle things going forward such as noticing that kidlet had been in the same clothes since Sunday.

He responded really well. Before, he would have taken this as an attack on his parenting skills. Now he said that if I saw something that I thought needed intervention, I should just do it and if it caused a conflict between the two of us at any point, we'd work it out.

Hmmmm, hokay.

I wanted clarification on that because it was so new and different.

Dia: So if I just jump in and tell kidlet to change his clothes, you won't take that as a comment on your parenting ability?

H (somewhat ruefully): No. You know, I hate to say it, - but if he hasn't changed his clothes for two days, it's an oversight on my part so yes, just jump in.

Dia: Ok.

It's strange to me that he can literally not notice that kidlet has been in the same clothes since I got here Sunday evening but if that's what he's saying, I think I have to take it at face value. Before, I thought he knew but just didn't care (i.e. was slovenly).

He, for his part, seems to realize that the not noticing is indeed a problem. I don't mind being the primary caretaker for the grooming and hygiene stuff at all. I do mind when H gets defensive and angry at me for it, but he says that's not going to happen anymore. We shall see.

It was an interesting discussion. I wasn't looking to blame at all. I just wanted to solve the problem.

Another positive note - him initiating a hug at bedtime seems to standard operating procedure now. I like that.

[pigskin]

Dia,

Just wanted to say I enjoyed your posts on Tristan's thread. You seem to have a strong confident attitude toward what you are dealing with, and it has helped me with my thinking as well.

Keep on keepin' on, and best of luck.

pigskin

[Kettricken]

Kudos to both of you.

To you, especially, for letting it lie where it was and not going into "HOW could you not NOTICE etc etc". I presume he's asking himself that question now, and even if not, rubbing his nose in it = bad mojo.

[Dia]

Hi, Kett,

Thank you for the affirmation. I guess I compared it to certain oversights of my own, so while the issue is different I can identify with the whole 'process failure' idea. For me, I can blithely go on with my life never noticing that the 15th was several days ago and it completely slipped my mind to pay my BofA bill.

I'm certain that many people would ask the same of me - "How the heck could you not know that bill was due??! It's been due on the same %$@# day for the last TWO YEARS!"

BTW, Kett - are you available on FB or any other such realm?

[Kettricken]

For some kind of convoluted Luddite reasoning known only to my subconscious, I have avoided the facebook realm, although that's beginning to feel like a losing battle. Probably a last-ditch effort of my better self to save me wasting yet more of my time on the interwebs, lol.

There is a secret clubhouse ... but I don't know how to direct you there without getting myself banned here (for realz). I'll give it some thought; watch out for breadcrumbs in future (wink).

[Dia]

Kett - have you ever heard of an organization called "NASARF"? It's a research institute. You might be interested.

[Virtually_Handsome]

(((((Dia)))))

I must say, I can see how your H didn't notice the clothes, really. Not proud to be able to say that, but there it is!

If you want to look for the secret clubhouse, seach out kalni sunshine, and her friends. There's quite a network.

[Dia]

Here are two recent emails to H. The first is giving praise and recognition where they are due, and the second is shaking things up a bit.

Re: email 2 - our parenting discussion last night also touched on housework, namely that he was dissatisfied with the state of the kitchen and wanted to clear the buffet that has become an overflowing repository of loose greeting cards, photos, drawings from kidlet, etc. I said that doing some cleaning and organizing projects around the house would help me process the grief over Gramma and would he mind if I did that? He gave me the green light.

<insert maniacal, evil villain laugh here>

The cards on the buffet spanned a good 2.5 years, dust and cat fur included. There were Christmas cards, Bday cards, loose snapshots of nieces, nephews, my father, etc. And there was at least one Valentine from OW which I very considerately did not burn in a pentagram inscribed on the front lawn. (Couldn't help seeing that one, but I honestly did not snoop through the rest)

The buffet has now been wiped down, the velvet runner restored and the only things on it are an attractive bowl of fruit, the coffee maker and two framed photos, one of SIL's baby and one of kidlet with my sister's two boys. Note: those photos were there originally, just buried. Stacking the cards on his bed will encourage him to sort them (maybe) or at the very least shove them in a bag or a drawer which gets them out of view. MY view in particular since I knew there was stuff from OW there and it niggled at me every time I walked by.

And that, btw, is an example of how I can put negative pressure on the A by just being here - and I even got his buy-in to do it.

<reprise maniacal laughter>

Emails to follow:
-----------------------

Hi, there,

You know, last night's parenting discussion went so well that I wanted to take a moment to thank you for it, especially since it was late and I knew your shoulder was bothering you. Thank you for being open to the communication and for responding well. I also wanted to clarify something - I do NOT think you are a bad parent even if it's true that sometimes you don't notice that kidlet has worn the same clothes for a few days. It's just an oversight. I make oversights, too. My intent last night was not to blame you or demean you in any way; my intent was only to clarify parenting roles and solve the issue at hand.

I do hope that came through because I admire and respect you as a person and a parent.

Thanks!!

(no response so far)

----------------------------

Hey, there,

I got an impromptu call from one of the sales guys and he is dropping by the house to leave some materials with me. To this end, I tidied the bar and the buffet in the kitchen. The bar is only 'better', not pristine, as I didn't know what to do with a lot of the stuff. The buffet is pristine, polished with Pledge, the runner shaken out, etc. I did not look through the cards and I did not throw any away. They are stacked neatly on your bed.

Cheers!

Dia
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(his response below)

Thanks!

I was thinking it'd be nice to clear the console anyway.


(Edit: I normally do not email him twice in a day, and normally only email him with business-related stuff.)