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Hey BJ,
Man do what's right for u and ur kids. You definitely have your plate full but like everyone says focus on u and the kids heck leave her there as hard as that may seem u said it yourself father first then husband. I know it sucks bc of my sit but man u have b een really patient and u should make a statement for your sake and the kids.

Good luck brother


M:35
W:36
M:10 yrs
T:11.5 yrs
C: B7, G3
ED: 3/09
DB: 3/20/09
Served 12-8-09
Still going through the process
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I only want to add this; is she come back at you with a comment like she did your BIL about give her some credit b/c she is a M woman...don't let her get by with saying something like that. If your children are in ear shot then you need to excuse them or yourselves, and then tell her that you don't give her credit b/c she had proven that her credit score is way below normal and there is no way you are going to risk her with something as vaulable as your children. Any time she has the brass to come at you with something as brazen as give her credit for being....whatever; that is the time to put her in her place. If there was ever a time to not hold back, I think this is it, but that's JMHO. She has proven "her credit"!

I hope her parents have their eyes open to what whe has done. We will be praying for you. Let usd know as soon as you can.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi,

I'm not new here, just new to posting. I've been following your story, I have to say you're an inspiration. I'm anticipating hearing from you again and I will finally get down to posting my sitch soon.

good luck and hang in there!


Formerly SGfan
M:38
W:33
M:8 yrs
T:10 yrs
Bomb: Dec '08
Separated: 4/18/09
Divorce: 8/28/09
XW Affair began: April 08
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
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Hello everyone, I'm back home with the kids.... and my W. A lot has happened the last few days, so I'll try to condense as best I can.

Following my previous post and before I left, I learned that my BIL had sent OM an email ripping into him for his involvement in the EA/PA in response to the prior TM my W sent so OM could laugh. OM responds to BIL by threatening violence against my BIL, then my W follows up with a phone call to my BIL to tell him in essence that he (BIL) is a punk, that OM is a "bad dude"/dangerous who will beat BIL's a** if OM ever sees him. More reason for me to fly to Utah.

So I flew into Salt Lake City covertly last Thursday A.M. Only told my mom and aforementioned BIL right before leaving. Had consulted a family law attorney beforehand regarding what I was doing along with the local DA's Child Abduction Unit and covered all of my bases. Photocopied my vehicle registration showing I am the only registered owner of our vehicle. The only "unknown" was the local police department in Utah where my in-laws live and how they might react if my W did not cooperate with me taking the kids and the car. Checked in with the local PD and they said "no problem". Called my in-laws house ahead of time, my MIL answered the phone- only she and FIL were there- W and kids were out for the day.

Got to the house and visited with MIL and FIL for about 1 hr. before W and kids roll up. W did a double take and got upset- predictable. W started quizzing me on my travel plans back home and I kept quiet about it, stating my purpose there was "as a father", nothing more or less. She asks where I am staying- I say I'll get a hotel- she says "no", I can stay at the in-laws, she'll stay with her sister in town. W refuses to talk and leaves with D3 and I spend the night with my 2 boys.

The next day I talk to W and D3 is sick, was throwing up the night before at SILs apparently due to exhaustion/lack of sleep. I go over to my SIL's house and confirm D3 is too sick to travel. W is not happy as she is tending to D3 and not going out to have fun. W demands to know why I'm there and I advise due to concerns over our kid's welfare. W thinks otherwise, acts very badly towards me and states she is going to D me "as soon as possible" as my surprise trip there further supports her reason to do so, blah, blah. blah- whatever. (As a side note, things were not as bad- relatively speaking- as I thought at the in-laws with the kids and what she was doing- I still don't blame myself for doing what I did.) Whatever. Argued a while with W before spending the day with my boys doing fun stuff. Before I leave SIL's, I take possession of the car keys. W is pissed off but I don't care and don't trust here.

That evening W trys to push D3 on me to babysit and take possession of our vehicle so she can drive back to SIL's house to "rest". I refuse and offer to drive her back to SIL's but she refuses, insisting she want the vehicle for herself. (Obviously she wants to drive over to see OM who hides in the shadows during my entire visit. More on that later.) So I drive her back to SILs minus the car and D3- who I tend to and get to bed at the in-laws. W rips into me again badly and she states that she is going to "make me pay" for coming out to spoil her vacation. Whatever.

The following morning, I advise W of my intention to take our car and kids back home with me- she can stay at her parents or OM's place, I don't care- I'm leaving w/out her, she can stay. W freaks out, calls the local police who respond and advise me that I can't "abandon" my W with no car at her parent's house- they don't want her there and for some reason she can't stay at OM's house. I relent and agree to not "abandon" my W at the in-laws house- she'll drive back with me.

Before we left Utah, I told W that since she had apparently made her choice(OM), I was going to look to separate from her ASAP when we get home- I need to be able to focus on work and the kids now and don't have time to spare dealing with my W and her various problems/issues. My W backpedaled a little bit stating that OM was not the issue- she "just want's to be happy" and "needs time" to figure out how she is going to move out. I didn't get into a debate over anything with her- just got in the car with her and the kids and left. No discussion with my W the entire way home.

Since coming home today, my W kept a low profile before going to bed early. She knows I'm serious about her moving out and she doesn't know what she is going to do. Finding a place to live is her problem not mine. So my position at this point with my W is this: either drop OM cold turkey with no contact now and work with me on our MR or she is leaving.

I'll post more later. I'm still tired from the drive home. I'll check in later.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Quote:
W freaks out, calls the local police who respond and advise me that I can't "abandon" my W with no car at her parent's house- they don't want her there and for some reason she can't stay at OM's house.


Something about that does not seem right at all. Sounds very fishy. How could it be abandonment just b/c she has no car? It wasn't like you were dumping her in some alley. Oh well, it's done with now....but I never heard such!

I hope you will stick to your guns, BJ, b/c she has gone too far and treated you so disrespectfully. If you give in to her now, you won't stand a chance.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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BigJohn Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
W freaks out, calls the local police who respond and advise me that I can't "abandon" my W with no car at her parent's house- they don't want her there and for some reason she can't stay at OM's house.


Something about that does not seem right at all. Sounds very fishy. How could it be abandonment just b/c she has no car? It wasn't like you were dumping her in some alley. Oh well, it's done with now....but I never heard such!

I hope you will stick to your guns, BJ, b/c she has gone too far and treated you so disrespectfully. If you give in to her now, you won't stand a chance.




Sandi,

It's nice to hear from you, how are you? I was a little concerned you might be feeling a little burned out from the forums. I am grateful as always to get your feedback.

I agree with the "abandonment" issue- it really was not "abandoning" my W as I gave her several hundred dollars in cash plus she had a credit card as well. It seemed to me she didn't need a car while there or a place to stay as OM could provide for both if he and she wanted to. The other excuses my W and MIL gave included the kids are going back to school next week, W still has her small part time jobs, etc.

Since my last post, I reiterated to my W that she had a choice to make: either drop OM and recommit to our M and our family or she needs to move out. My W's response was that she was NOT going to give up OM, she wants everything to remain the same she just doesn't want to be with me. Then my W informed me (again) that she is not going anywhere without the kids- her same argument all along for not physically separating- and that maybe I should leave. My response: Hell no! So we remain back at square one on the physical separation issue with the only possible remedy apparently being a legal one i.e. I file for D and file a motion to get her out of the house- something I am very hesitant to do, although physical separation from my W is looking more and more appealing given our sitch. (Although I cringe at the thought- especially in this economy- I'm starting to wonder if we shouldn't try to cash her 401K in so she can move out.)

My W is not pleasant to be around and remains stuck in WAW mode. Her WAW skill set seems limited for the moment to acting like a b*tch whenever it suits her and trying to make me hate her and her hate me. She is passive-aggressive and clearly wants me to initiate everything and then just react to it. She still has made no effort to understand any of the negative fallout from a D (No, I'm not surprised) and continues to downplay the significance of the OM relative to her desire to D me at some point in the future- although he was "more wonderful than she expected" when they met again in person. She has no real plans that I am aware of beyond at some point D-ing me to live life as single parent with the kids- even though "things with OM will probably never work out". Interestingly, although she claims that things will never work out between us, she has repeatedly stated that I did "real damage" to my cause and to our MR by coming out to my in-laws in Utah. I asked her what exactly that meant and she didn't answer.

Also interesting was a comment she made last night about how OM told her he was surprised I didn't come visit him while there and beat his a$$- or at least call him on the phone. I told my W I was there in Utah for my kids as a father, not as a jealous H, and therefore my purpose there was not for revenge. My W said it was good I didn't confront OM because she wouldn't want to see me hurt- OM is my size only a "real tough guy" who has been in "a lot of fights" Yeah, that sounds really smart, go get in a fight with OM and risk an arrest for assault and maybe jeopardize shared custody of my kids. Are we in high school now? Give me a break. BTW, she had previously made comments about how I should have been pouring on the love, respect and all that other good stuff to her in the months leading up to the trip and her dates with OM as "that might have made a difference" since I had "the home court advantage". Give me a break! It took all of my strength just to get where I'm at now. I don't have the energy or desire to chase down cheeseless tunnels with her.

So it would seem that "tough love" tactics with my W are the only things that may work to my advantage at this point. Does anyone care to share any thoughts or ideas regarding getting my W to get out of the house to physically separate from me? A physical separation is my decision of course, but am I missing something at this point i.e. trying instead to enforce some strong boundaries beforehand? I agree with you Sandi, I can't give in to her now.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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If she refuses to give up the OM, then call the OM and tell him to pick her up. I think you need to do something drastic to shake things up. She's endangering the livlihood of your kids with her thinking like that.

I would lay it on thick and tell him everything that your W wants to do with him. Cut off all money ties from her so that she doesn't use it to further the affair.

She can't keep treating you like a doormat.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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I have to say being separated from my wife really gave me the space to be able to formulate goals and GAL away from the daily pain and drama.

I think Stuck is on to something regarding cutting her off. For me, it wasn't money it was my friendship and that was predicated on a commitment. No marriage, no friendship. She got to choose to leave and she saw the results of that decision and it caused her to rethink her choice. Unfortunately, like you John you throw an OM in the mix.....

I'm always amazed at the rationalization WAS's use to justify thier actions.


Formerly SGfan
M:38
W:33
M:8 yrs
T:10 yrs
Bomb: Dec '08
Separated: 4/18/09
Divorce: 8/28/09
XW Affair began: April 08
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 444
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BigJohn Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: stuck808
If she refuses to give up the OM, then call the OM and tell him to pick her up. I think you need to do something drastic to shake things up. She's endangering the livlihood of your kids with her thinking like that.

I would lay it on thick and tell him everything that your W wants to do with him. Cut off all money ties from her so that she doesn't use it to further the affair.

She can't keep treating you like a doormat.


Stuck,

My male instinct tracks with yours in terms of shaking things up with my W. At the same time, I'm looking for some ideas from Sandi as well for a more balanced approach.

As far as the OM is concerned, he is a punk little boy playing little boy games with my W. He is totally beneath me; I have no use for him nor any interest in contacting him.

As far as the money goes, I'm seeking legal advice from attorney friends on how to handle that.

Thanks for the continued feedback and interest in my sitch.


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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Posts: 444
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Originally Posted By: Sgfan
I have to say being separated from my wife really gave me the space to be able to formulate goals and GAL away from the daily pain and drama.

I think Stuck is on to something regarding cutting her off. For me, it wasn't money it was my friendship and that was predicated on a commitment. No marriage, no friendship. She got to choose to leave and she saw the results of that decision and it caused her to rethink her choice. Unfortunately, like you John you throw an OM in the mix.....

I'm always amazed at the rationalization WAS's use to justify thier actions.




SG,

First question: what are you a "fan" of? Second, I'd like to hear more about your sitch, especially how long you separated from your W and what happened to both she and you during that time. Was there an OM involved? You mention that losing your friendship in conjunction with the M caused her to rethink her choice yet I see you have an upcoming D date- my condolences. What happened?


M: 41
W: 39
S: 11
S: 10
D: 4
1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09
EA began: 2/14/09
EA discovered: 3/1/09
I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself
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