Question: How do I respect myself and allow the A to continue?
Answer:
1) I am not in a position to terminate the A. Only H is. "Allowing" the A to continue is not the proper verb if we are talking about me.
2) I will not proceed to full reconciliation if the A continues. Exactly when and how that line is drawn is up to me. While we are still in limbo and both figuring out whether we are going to work on things or proceed to D, I am not going to put pressure on the A. It's fine for people to disagree. Afterall, not every sitch is the same and what works for one person may not work for another. If we get to the point where we are both officially working on the M, then the OW needs to go, end of story. But afterall, the whole point of DBing is that only one person can do it - and for the moment, that person is me.
3) Even though I am not actively or overtly affair-busting, my simple presence in the house, together with H and our son is putting a helluva lot of pressure on the R with OW without my having to do anything overt at all. I have laid my boundaries that he is not to mention her around me and he respects those. He is not emailing her, calling her or texting her in my presence either, so the chilling effect is sure to be felt on her end.
For now, this is sufficient.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Good question, Aren't you going to ask her to choose first and then gauge your actions based on that?
Formulate a plan, always have a plan and make sure you have thought out what's going to happen in either scenario.
If she chooses you, you continue going to marriage counselling, she continues to go to her personal counselling, she agrees to cut off all contact with OM and she agrees to be transparent with all of her actions so that you can both build up trust & respect in this relationship.
What is her current strategy for dealing with her sexual abuse issues, it definitely requires therapy but successful therapy is not long & drawn out, in fact it's quite the opposite, anything that is more than a year in it's scope won't do any good speaking from personal experience.
If she chooses the other man or can't make a decision, you have to determine what you have to do. No one can make that decision for you: do you continue to tolerate this open relationship because you love her and want to keep her close or do you finally put your foot down and say enough is enough. Either way I wouldn't leave the home - I would personally ask her to leave if that would be your plan, in fact it's what I did at my end. I packed my wife's things for her and put them all in the minivan and told her to go live with her parents because I didn't want to share a home with her anymore. In my case things didn't work out for her, the grass wasn't greener, the affair ended abruptly soon afterwards and she was left without him & me, she had a bit of a wakeup call. We have joint custody of the children but I tend to have the kids 80-90% of the time now, it's been like this for quite some time. She was living with her parents but she ended up fighting with them as well, it was funny, they actually grew tired of her childish, immature ways because she started treating them poorly and they kicked her out as well - she ended up burning alot of bridges with family & friends.
Sometimes they need to experience hard times & maybe hit rock bottom before they see that what they've done with their lives - it's a bit of a wakeup call. They've been pursuing a fantasy life all this time and sooner or later, most find out that fantasies are just that, fantasies and they don't last. The affair can't continue to remain new & exciting, it becomes old, it loses it's lustre. Losing the security of their home & previous life makes them fend for themselves, they don't have the luxury & security of their old life while maintaining their affairs. Having children means they have make time to continue being a responsible parent, until a separation/divorce goes through, they have to rely on their financial resources to live and that means their current lifestyle is impacted and you don't have to make that easier on them. There are consequences for our actions, we're adults and we have to learn that. When they realize that the new grand life they had been planning is a bust, they start to see the errors of their ways and start to reconsider reconciliation. Another example, check out smileyperson's thread, that's where he's at right now, he has realized his value, he is separated from his wife, her affair ended, SP moved on with his life, he's having a good life now, not just surviving, THRIVING!
That's where I'm at currently, my wife is asking to go out for coffee, taking me out to restaurants, going on dates and I'm not making it easy for her, I'm not just going to say ok, that's good enough for me, come home, let's be happily married again. Trust has to be earned, because it's been totally eroded, the changes I'm seeing in her have to be real, not temporary for short term goals & rewards. If our marriage is important to her, she'll put the effort into showing it and do the work that's required as there is alot of damage that has to be recovered from.
I also don't want the marriage I had because it's what led to this state we're currently in, I'm working on myself and I definitely want a better life for myself and my children and my goal is to continue pressing forward, realizing more of my untapped potential, continuing to grow & evolve and be the best me I can possibly be and that's the goal for everyone, especially the DBer's on this site.
Your goal ultimately is to have a great life and to set an example for your children so that they can emulate this behavior and have great lives of their own - that's your legacy as a successful parent and human being.
Thank you Robx. The problem is that we don't have a place she can go easily. She has a friend that would take her for a while, but she would quickly need to find a place of her own. You are right, I need a plan.
Another example, check out smileyperson's thread, that's where he's at right now, he has realized his value, he is separated from his wife, her affair ended, SP moved on with his life, he's having a good life now, not just surviving, THRIVING!
Ok, Smiley is my pal here and IRL...it is important to be very real about this. SP is in Europe, away from his sitch and living it up. The reality of the separation has been brutal and the financial aspect has been precarious. I don't doubt that he and we all will end up thriving but you can't tie it up with a pretty bow.
Per Coach and SP-
“This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”
Tristan - that's a good question. My sitch is a bit unusual because H and I lived 200 miles apart until just recently. OW lives 2000 miles away, but her family lives here in town. OW sees H when she visits her family. She is a teacher, so that means mostly Christmas and a visit or two in the summer.
I am pretty certain they have slept together. They sure as heck aren't doing it with me under this roof even if I am just an allegedly temporary guest!
In between one of my visits, H, OW and kidlet went on a picnic. I believe FIL kept kidlet afterward and H may have stayed out with her or spent the night with her - I am not entirely certain.
How do I handle it? I don't like it. I want it over, pronto. I ignore it for the most part and distract myself HARD if it really bugs me. However - there's this line in either the DB or DR book that says something like, "if you knew - if you absolutely knew for certain that your spouse would be 100% back with you and committed to the marriage in 30 days, how would you act?"
Well, if I knew it would all be history in 30 days, sheesh - I wouldn't worry about it.
I think I said this in my own thread, but a long distance relationship with OW will never be able to stand up to a happy, sassy DBing WIFE who is right here at H's fingertips.
I'm here in the house. I have hugs, warm smiles and compliments from H every single day. Let *her* be the one to stress about where I'm sleeping or what we're doing together. Me, I'm working on me, getting my own life in order and giving H a chance to see how awesome his wife is, and yes, it is shaking him to the core.
H has explicitly stated to me that he does not want to marry OW. He has never claimed to be in love with her. He has also stated to me that he probably doesn't want to marry again maybe ever. So for me, the task is not to break him up with OW; it's to get him to commit to being vibrantly married to ME. If I achieve the second, I will have already achieved the first in the process.
He's confused, conflicted and very clearly still in love with me, still attracted to me and can't even be near me w/o trying to hide a very physical response to me. Time is on my side.
Will I tolerate this forever? Absolutely not.
Will I tolerate it for now? Yes.
Last edited by Dia; 08/18/0907:08 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Another example, check out smileyperson's thread, that's where he's at right now, he has realized his value, he is separated from his wife, her affair ended, SP moved on with his life, he's having a good life now, not just surviving, THRIVING!
Ok, Smiley is my pal here and IRL...it is important to be very real about this. SP is in Europe, away from his sitch and living it up. The reality of the separation has been brutal and the financial aspect has been precarious. I don't doubt that he and we all will end up thriving but you can't tie it up with a pretty bow.
Per Coach and SP-
“This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”
Regardless, I still agree with you robx.
I agree, there is no pretty bow to put on any of this.
None of this would ever be something considered a present, if it was, I would have asked for the original receipt and returned it to get my money back!
This is all very tough, the decisions are all personal, no one is being pushed to make any decisions as these decisions impact only the lives affected by the people involved.
I would consider this to be the toughest times in our lives.
Don't forget, we're human beings with the ability to adapt to various environments & situations - we will survive. The goal is not just to survive, the goal is always a great life in whatever form that may be.
As always I wish everyone the best of luck in all their respective situations and I hope you all find the peace in life you all deserve.
None of this would ever be something considered a present, if it was, I would have asked for the original receipt and returned it to get my money back!
LOL!
robx- I didn't know just how much you "get it" until reading about your sitch just now.
Quote:
As always I wish everyone the best of luck in all their respective situations and I hope you all find the peace in life you all deserve.
I am finding a lot in common with you all on this thread. My wife was heavily into an EA that I busted up in March. Since then we have been in limbo - she doesn't want to work on the M but is doing some IC, but states that eventually we will D but isn't moving in that direction aggressively yet.
Pigskin - I am like you in that our R was lacking 'connection' for a while so I also struggled with whether detatchment was the right thing or not since that was part of the problems we had.
I did what robx is advocating - I told her I wanted NC with OM and I also talked to OM as well (not sure it helped). She put in an effort to do this but continued to state she was just here for the kids. However, I found that the EA had returned to a lesser extent (instead of daily contact it was a few times a week and less intense) at one point a couple of months later (May/June) and gave her the ultimatum of no contact or leave. She chose to move out of our bedroom and be 'separated' in the same house, but at the same time she has once again cut back on the OM (seems like a text msg or two a week at most).
What did I learn from all this regarding ultimatums when you have little connection with W? The good thing was that I firmly established boundaries regarding OM I think to some extent and have continually pressed this point, but at times have obsessed a little too much over it. The bad thing is that my ultimatum didn't go the way I planned and she chose to half-leave.
Now I realize that in the end I can't control her and OM but I can at least stay firm on boundaries in order to try to gain some respect.
Looking at the big picture the good news is that she isn't moving towards D, and OM contact is way reduced, so I must have done something right. If I had done nothing she would have been in a full-blown EA+PA for a long time by now.
However, I am still in limbo, but 'attaching' doesn't help in my situation since it is what I did early on and it drove her further away (she called it 'smothering' her and also complained when I would question her whereabouts, etc). Detatching/dropping-the-rope is the only option I think, while continuing to maintain boundaries about OM.
Lately I have been feeling more indifferent about her - this feeling is more prominent all the time. I am getting tired of being disrespected and treated badly, especially in front of my kids, so I am starting to avoid her when I can and calling her out no her bad behavior in front of kids when I need to. I am willing to stick it out for the sake of my family and suffer through but in the end she will be the one filing for D and explaining it to our kids, not me. Right now, hope of R is slowly fading away unless she miraculously turns her attitude around, but I know that 'attaching' is not the answer.
She knows I still lover her and it is almost a problem I think, so I don't need to demonstrate that much any more - it is respect that is lacking.
Pigskin - you might want to pick up "Love Must be Tough" by Dobson.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
