Well, had our first mini-snit this morning. FIL was supposed to arrive last night. Every other time that I've been here, he gets in between 11 and midnight. We go to bed, leave the door unlocked and he just comes in when he arrives.
Middle of the night potty run - no FIL.
6:45 alarm - no FIL.
Passing H in the hallway, I told him that his father hadn't arrived. I was definitely concerned. FIL is mid-70s and it's a long drive alone at night.
H actually upbraided me! He didn't yell, but he was very clearly angry/annoyed.
"I don't worry about Dad when he's late. Sometimes he gets delayed. He gets here when he gets here. So stop it with your worried voice and looks of concern because you're making ME worry."
<Dia blinks in surprise>
<Dia puts on the DB mask real quick-like>
<smiling cheerfully> "You're right. You know his pattern far better than I do. I apologize and I shouldn't have worried."
Then I told him coffee was ready and hit the shower.
X2 - I'm really slammed at present. I'd love to offer you some support beyond you just reading my sitch but for the interim if there's something you'd like my opinion on, feel free to ask me or bring it up here. I've lurked in your thread and I do agree with the suggestions to go a bit dark for awhile. The anger and resentment she's feeling may not be entirely logical, but feelings often aren't. Validate if you can and let her process them on her own.
Last edited by Dia; 08/18/0902:40 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
We were discussing kidlet's room and whether to move him to a diff room in the house. H expressed his views and I said, "I agree 100% with everything you've said. Sounds great." I wasn't even DBing - I really did agree.
He did a double take, struck a Superman pose and said, "I like hearing you say that." I laughed and asked him if he wanted to hear it again.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Question (because I can't remember) .... were there past problems in your r. because of you being (and/or him perceiving that you were being) nitpicky/nagging/controlling/always the one with fourteen good reasons why any path was problematic?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Hope that didn't come across snarky ... it wasn't meant to .... I just wanted to make a point but there's no point in going there if the above *wasn't* a problem for you guys, so I asked first.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Your input is always welcome and you didn't sound snarky.
I'm not sure if H would have used the word controlling, but I know he felt like he was never allowed to be 'right'. So maybe that's in the ballpark of the point you were going to make?
I have backed way off on those kinds of things unless life or limb are at risk.
Example (the new Dia): H is cooking veggies on the grill. I suggest he brush them with olive oil. I suggest it once and once only and I completely detach from whether or not he does AND from whether or not there are negative consequences if he doesn't. And then I praise him for something else associated with the meal. The old Dia would have brought up the oilive oil again - and probably again - and then gotten upset if he didn't use it and the veggies were inedible (e.g. "You never listen to me!")
The world will not end because of veggies that are half burned, half raw. Not a battle worth fighting. If H detects that the veggies were unpalatable, maybe next time he will try the olive oil, or maybe not. No biggie. H is happy with the praise and the meal didn't get spoiled by me obsessing about the ding-blasted olive oil.
Example 2: I drive H's car and the breaks are bad. I tell H I think the brakes are bad but he says they're fine. I calmly restate my position on the brakes and I draw a boundary that neither kidlet or I will ride in that car until the brakes are examined by a mechanic. The interesting part is that in the old marriage, H would be more angry if the mechanic DID find a prob. with the brakes than if he didn't. I sorta don't get that one unless it just means that H is a bit insecure when faced with a sitch where I do happen to be correct about something?
Last edited by Dia; 08/18/0908:42 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Yeah, that's exactly the kind of thing I meant. I have to fight a tendency to do that too. My h. is brilliant and awesome but really the "absent-minded professor" type. Day-to-day practical details thus tend to fall largely inside my sphere. Which is all fine. But the temptation if you're not *actively fighting it* is to start vibing "maternal/mommy knows best" which is a kick in the nuts of any male ego and antithetical to attraction even if you *are* right about how best to cook veggies, maintain the car, etc, etc. Ya really gotta pick your battles, and even if you *have* to throw down (as with the brakes), try to soften the blow if poss.
(I totally get what you're saying about him being more pissy if the mechanic DID find something wrong with the brakes. Take-away message: my wife was right about something that is "supposed to be a guy thing" and I was wrong. I feel bad/guilty/less-than about that, so I'm going to take it out on she who pointed out my failings in the first place. That's childish, but grokkable.)
Anyhow, it sounds like you're really aware of that dynamic now.
As far as the "worried about his dad" interaction, it's good that you didn't engage, but I don't think you needed to pendulum all the way back to invalidating your own feelings. He has the adult choice to resist becoming infected by your emotions (Have you gotten ahold of "Passionate Marriage" yet?)
This:
Originally Posted By: Dia
We were discussing kidlet's room and whether to move him to a diff room in the house. H expressed his views and I said, "I agree 100% with everything you've said. Sounds great." I wasn't even DBing - I really did agree.
He did a double take, struck a Superman pose and said, "I like hearing you say that." I laughed and asked him if he wanted to hear it again.
... may be a huge piece of the puzzle. Unless he is a bottomless pit for affirmation, the fact that he did a double take at hearing genuine unreserved praise/agreement may indicate that he hasn't heard enough of it.
It's so easy (if you're a recovering perfectionist like me, anyhow) to nitpick the flawed and questionable while rewarding the accurate and competent with ... silence. And it's so easy to change that with a little internal reprogramming. Who doesn't like to hear their loved ones tell them they're right/smart/good at what they do???
Of course, feel free to ignore or correct me if none of that applies.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I did miss your ShaiHulud post, which I just found. I knew I liked you for a reason!
We prefer the SciFi version ... I just can't handle the David Lynch ending. Although I think C.O.D. was even better. Actually, no one has really gotten Herbert's universe quite right yet (including his son but don't even get me started), but I live in hope.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
