W can't break EA - not sure how to handle it

[tristan]

I am sorry Orich. All I can say is do your best to do what you can for her. At some point she has to see that you are trying really hard. My W says this is the only reason that she didn't leave earlier this year.

[Orich]

I think my W sees this, even when we were at our lowest point when she declared our M over, said she contacted a lawyer, told her family, even argued about the house and custody, she never pulled the trigger. Now she is going to Retrouvaille with me (after earlier saying no way) so, I have some hope.

[tristan]

Tristan, is she in therapy? With an issue like this, you are dealing with a perpetual minefield..,

I think Imago therapy would be awesome for you two since you are obviously willing to do the work. Maybe you guys will get there.

Hi aliveandkicking,

She has an IC and a psych. The psych is still trying to get the right set of meds together for her bi-polar disorder. She sees him again this week.

I had not heard of Imago therapy; but just looked it up. It looks like it may fit. I will see if there is someone around here that practices it.

Thank you.

[Dia]

Hi, Tristan,

As an assault survivor myself, I would like to thank you for the depth of sensitivity in your interactions with your wife.

Cheers,

Dia

[aliveandkicking]

The beauty of imago is that your partner really helps you heal and you see how you are perfectly suited to do this life together...she is very lucky to have you.

My H and I went to a long imago session and a path was laud out for us and he even admitted it helped but subsequently he said it is not fir him (doesn't want to do the work).

It is powerful stuff. You can get "Getting the love you want" by Harville Hendrix to get a better understanding.

[tristan]

Hi, Tristan,

As an assault survivor myself

Thank you Dia,

As I said, I know way too many women that have had to deal with this. And all have been from men they trusted.

[tristan]

OK. It is time for me to make some goals. The ones I had originally made for R are outdated:

1. I think I need to convince W to go to MC again.

I am up in the air on other goals. I would like to make a goal with her lessening her reliance on OM. However, I have no idea what kind of goal I could state that would be measurable.

I checked the phone records and noticed she called OM and talked for 18 minutes shortly after asking for a hug leaving the driveway this morning. Is this normal behavior for someone having an affair? It is baffling to me how one can maintain this sort of lifestyle. This cycle does need to stop, I know. But I am not sure a 180 is the right way to deal. Is it?

[robx]

OK. It is time for me to make some goals. The ones I had originally made for R are outdated:

1. I think I need to convince W to go to MC again.

I am up in the air on other goals. I would like to make a goal with her lessening her reliance on OM. However, I have no idea what kind of goal I could state that would be measurable.

I checked the phone records and noticed she called OM and talked for 18 minutes shortly after asking for a hug leaving the driveway this morning. Is this normal behavior for someone having an affair? It is baffling to me how one can maintain this sort of lifestyle. This cycle does need to stop, I know. But I am not sure a 180 is the right way to deal. Is it?

I'm assuming she trusts you Tristan, it sounds that way the update you recently posted.

Has she ever explained to you how she rationalizes seeing another man, someone she doesn't know as well and couldn't possibly trust as much as she trust you, someone who up until recently she would have considered a stranger and definitely not someone she could trust as much as you.

[Dia]

Hi, Tristan,

Devil's advocate here - are you sure that you setting goals for her is the best approach? Setting goals only for yourself is more controllable, no?

I know that many here are advocating a hardcore ultimatum regarding contact with OM, but here's a different approach. If you've decided not to press that issue at present, perhaps you should set a goal for yourself to not ask her, not check phone records etc. for a certain time period - 30 days, two weeks, etc. This may well be good for *you*, and if she's been feeling pressure to stop the contact, it might be driving her to pursue said contact.

[robx]

OK. It is time for me to make some goals. The ones I had originally made for R are outdated:

1. I think I need to convince W to go to MC again.

I am up in the air on other goals. I would like to make a goal with her lessening her reliance on OM. However, I have no idea what kind of goal I could state that would be measurable.

I checked the phone records and noticed she called OM and talked for 18 minutes shortly after asking for a hug leaving the driveway this morning. Is this normal behavior for someone having an affair? It is baffling to me how one can maintain this sort of lifestyle. This cycle does need to stop, I know. But I am not sure a 180 is the right way to deal. Is it?

Boundaries, they need to be set up in place to protect you as much they protect her.

This sounds very much like an open relationship and in the end that has to be the question you ask yourself, do you tolerate an open relationship, can you share her with someone else.

Regardless of her past history and the sexual assault she suffered at the hands of someone I'm assuming she trusted, She can't use that as a crutch for her actions and tell everyone including you that she is confused and doesn't know who to pick and continue to live life like this with you by her side. Currently it sounds very much that she uses this as a crutch and I could be wrong but it sounds like she is being enabled to do so.