Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

I do let them know I'm there for them and if not physically, I'm on the phone with them for countless hours. It used to seem like a chore to have them call me. Now it's daily and even at my work.

Like I said, I'm near certain my level of involvment, care, love and interest with them is really tapping into XW's emotions. For the last few years, I took them for granted, as I did her. Now, I cherish every moement with them like it is my last. She sees this, and it's doing something, her face said it all last night. And no doubt, OM saw it too when she went in and hence the friction.

The reality of it though, I woke up this morning and thought about it all again over my coffee. I simply want her to join us for gash darn dinner, our kids want it soooo much. If I have to I'll tell OM straight to his face, it's jsut dinner, between 2 kids and their mother and father. When it's done, you can have her right back, I don't want her in that sense anymore and family and social networks are here by forever shattered rendering it nearly impossible anyway.

In retrospect, the feeling that came across last night for XW was not the a-typical "i miss her, or I want her back" type. It was more of a sense of I felt so bad/sorry for her. But, I can't. She needs to see, feel, and accept all the pain hurt and destruction she caused by taking "the easy way out". Then figure a way to make the wrong things right.(in my opinion)

[still.struggling]

Ahhh...I get you now. I read wrong this morning.

I think it is good for the kids that parents are able to get along. No matter the problems in a relationship or whether an OM or OW is involved. My xh and I used to spend holidays and birthdays as a family even after he left. This was when he had first OW (I was in the dark on this one for a long time) but now that he is living with his new gf, we don't get together at all. I have to admit it is my fault though. I want nothing to do with them. He once told me no matter if he was with someone or not he wanted to remain best friends. It worked until I got a boyfriend. Now he stays angry with me. It is like he doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. Or maybe he sees that I am happier now than I was with him. I don't know. I just live day to day for me...and my girls.

Do you think your xw has a fear the kids will have more fun with you? Maybe that you will take them away from her? When you weren't talking to them much she had control, now she is losing that control...or thinks she is.

[dday101798]

Control.... That's a key word.

I was the "drill seargent". When She asked them to do something and it didn't get done, it was the 'ol "I'm going to get your father to handle this" family enviornment.

now, when they are with me, I rarely have to even raise my voice. Last night at dinner they were bickering like two school girls. After quietly setting the matter straight of "you mind your business and you mind yours" problem was solved. Most of the time that I do have to get on the firm side with them, it's nothing serious but boys being boys. But overall they do not act againt or towards me and haven't really since she left.

What I see when I pick them up an dhear over the phone in the background on her end, entirely different. They talk back, swear, hit things, throw things, I simply can't believe they are the same kids. That's her mess to deal with. If it's really bad, or one rats out the other to me about something that tranpired with their mother, all I can do ask why would you do that and remind them to be respectful of their mother, that's my role now.

Anyway, what really blows is the fact OM seems jealous that XW and I are getting along much better, for whatever motive on her end. The part I don't understand is why all the sudden does OM have a say in what she does or how she interacts with me? Was not a problem when she left and I was begging and pleading for her to come home wach time we spoke. Maybe that's it right there. We're not at witts end with eachother anymore, there's no point. I'm sure he's certainly lost whatever charm she thought he had in the first place. And yet she now sees how I interact with the kids as the precious gifts they are and not a inconvenience at times like I did.

Then there's the notion maybe she woke up? What do they say one month for every year of marriage? Well, guess what we're right there at this point in time. All I know is she and I have a job to do, raise our kids the best we can regardless of the situation. And I will be dipped in s@!t if OM or anyone else thinks they can get a word in edgewise.

I would not take them away from her unless it was absolutely neccessary. At the moment, OM has no business being in their lives and all it takes is one trip to the courthouse and he's out of there. But, unless he becomes a physical or emotional threat, I won't do that.

Again, it's all the question of what is going with her. Both boys asked me on atleast 5 different occasions last night when I'm coming "home" (to town). S12 was so cute last night when he got upset and said "mom will give you the money to buy a house and all you have to do is buy furniture and make all the payemnts and we'll (I'm assuming just the boys )live with you. I smiled and confirmed 'mom will buy me a house?' looked at XW, 'thanks mom'. She grinned to confirm "yeah right".

So I don't know. Maybe she thinks that when I move back they'll be able to see me more and be more at ease with her? I don't know. But what in the world does she think will happen when our face to face communication increases at the same time? How will OM "like" that?

[dday101798]

Uggh, what a horrible weekend. Time with the boys was good, but any and everything that could go wrong did.

Stupid bank screwed me over royally on overdraft fees, have to fight with them today. Took the boys to the beach for the air show yesterday and my truck got towed, so there went more money flying out the door. If I'm lucky I ahve $60 to last til next Friday.

Then after confirming the truck was in the pound, I called XW to let her know the situation and I wasn't sure if I had enough to get it out. You think she'd call back? Of course not. She had a nasty attitude on her Friday when I picked up the boys. After getting home I tried calling again, and once again my call was rejected to voice mail. I finally sent her message asking what her deal is now and that the boys will be late.

As I was having a smoke and beer to calm my nerves from being raped by the City of Chicago, S11 sat donw with me outside. I was preterbed by the fact that XW spends a month trying to be 'buddy-buddy' then all the sudden I'm back on her s@!t list. So S11 asked what was wrong and I told him that and that it's driving me nuts. He said she's mad now because she thinks I have a new girlfriend!!!! BAH!!!! WTF!!!!!

Even IF I did, SO WHAT?

That's just fricken hysterical.

She finally called, claimed she had no reception on her phone coming back from being down state again. I stated what was on my mind about her jeckyl and hyde attitude of which she agreed and didn't offer a reason.

So, when I drop the boys off, she's all peechy again, what ever. And man, she is packing on some pounds in a hurry, I really bit my tongue on asking if she pregnant or not.

Where in the world does a WAS get the nerve to get jealous over something in their own head that even if it were true is none of their business anymore anyway?

[still.struggling]

Dylan.

I don't think the WAS's think straight. My ex and I got along great the whole time we were separated and even when we were discussing divorce. As soon as I got a bf, he flipped out. All we do is argue now. I just don't understand it as he has a gf too. He left me for another woman but expects me to stay single...WTH? I gave up on trying to figure him out. I just stay away from him.

I understand you on the money issues. I am going back and forh in my head on what to do. I get paid every week but after paying bills, groceries and gas, I have nothing til the next week. I just keep telling myself it has to get better. As I struggle, my ex is out having fun going to concerts, waterparks and living a grand life with his "new family" while I try to keep a roof over his girls heads and food on the table. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I am sinking fast.

Ok, enough whining from me. Other than all the mishaps you had this weekend, tell me something good that happened...

[NoCodeBlues]

Oh, wow, big coincidence on the bank situation and the overdrafts. Somehow my xW was recently able to close a line of credit in my name without the bank bothering to contact me first. This was the line of credit used to buffer the overdraft feature on my checking account. Well, I got slammed for six charges last week before I discovered what had happened. I too am PO'ed at how a national bank can allow something like this to happen even though I have been divorced from this other party since April and we had already completed the remainder of splitting of our finances back in January. This ain't supposed to happen.

On the LBS dating again thing, the WAS is typically under the impression that the LBS should have no further life now that they have ended the M. In their mind, the LBS is obligated to simply crawl in a hole and die. We're not supposed to ever find joy in life again, much less a new love interest. Never mind they might still have their own paramour.

My ex seems thoroughly peeved at me for continuing to so much as breath, even though she has gained the freedom to pursue her worthless BF. I daresay when I start dating again she'll be inconsolably livid.

[dday101798]

Well, the kids did have a great time all around and that's positive enough for me.

Also, a friends daughter was really upset about her father not being there for her in any sense and that she wished XW would stop being so irrational to a good dad. That was really nice to hear.

Unfortuantely, "just staying away" from XW is not an option in my eyes. We need to co-exist to get these boys through life as best as possible. I swore they'd never be in the position they are now. And now that they are, we need to work together to make it as best as possible. If OM has a problem with that, too bad. If she has a problem with the fact someday I might just actually be up for having someone in my life again, too bad.

In the mean time I just find it comical. Hell even a 11 year old kid does.

[SophieL]

Brief hijack

"On the LBS dating again thing, the WAS is typically under the impression that the LBS should have no further life now that they have ended the M. In their mind, the LBS is obligated to simply crawl in a hole and die. We're not supposed to ever find joy in life again, much less a new love interest. Never mind they might still have their own paramour."

Hahahaha! Soooo true!!!

"My ex seems thoroughly peeved at me for continuing to so much as breath"

Priceless! Your ex and my ex are made from the same mould!

ps. for everything else there is mastercard!

[dday101798]

Just mind boggling.

Ever since last Wednesday she was so anxious to know where and with whom I was going out with the next night.

Then when I picked them up Friday, she was so bitter and practically emanding to know where I went. I simply stated, I don't answer to you anymore and that set her off the deep end for the weekend.

So she sat there for however long concocting this belief I have a new GF and that upset her. Gee honey, with this before or after you went to bed with whatever he is now?

I'm gonna need to call her out on this, I would love to hear the ratinale behind this 'logic'.

[mishka422]

I'm gonna need to call her out on this, I would love to hear the ratinale behind this 'logic'.

Dylan, buddy, don't bother. There is no rationale, there is no logic, there is only some seriously messed up thinking. Do you need to call her out? IMO, no. Let her stew in her own juices. She didn't want to be M'd anymore so giving her any inroads to give you her opinion or share her feelings with you is not appropriate unless it directly involves the kids.

Sucks about the bank! Mine has been screwing me over all year but I go in and cry on the bank managers shoulder and she usually takes pity on me some. She is well aware of the situation and she's a friend so it helps.

Take care!