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Hi Sam! Thanks for checking in.

I did bring up the anniversary a few days later and I honestly think we're on the same page about it. BF said, "We did go out to dinner!" because we went for cheap tacos after dance class to meet up with my workout buddies.

He did love the plant! laugh We still have to figure out where exactly to put it so the cats don't chew on it as it's toxic to kitties. Overall the bd was mixed. The super fancy cupcakes I tried to bake were a disaster so I had to scrap them and head back out to the grocery store for a box mix. Those turned out great and when I brought them to the office I passed them out without mentioning the occasion--BF does not like to be the center of attention so I'm trying to play it according to what he wants. Went out to dinner and I picked up the check, usually BF pays for meals out according to our arrangement. Came home and had some quality naked time so the day ended well. wink

In general I'm feeling good about where we are and where we're headed. If I stop and think about it too much I get worried that it seems too easy. But I'm trying to just take things as they come.

BF mentioned over the weekend that he wants me to book a two week vacation to Scotland next year. Have to do it now because we will use frequent flyer miles. I'm excited about the trip because I've been wanting to go back to Scotland--we were supposed to go for New Year's but I cancelled due to the bomb/A. I'm not having any negative thoughts about it yet but will have to see how the holiday season (anniversary of bombs) goes this year.


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Hi pearl!

LOL about BF saying "we went out for dinner!"! That's guy anniversary thought: going out with buddies to a taco place... smile

Bday sounded good for both you and him! Good job on the give and take there! It's probably a good idea to just take it as you go without too much worry about the long term goals of the R. When you feel good about how things are now, you'll probably continue evolving in that direction. I especially like BF's idea of a vacation. It shows he's in it for the long run and that's a good sign!

Hope you're having fun at the same time!


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Hey Pearl!

Just trying to catch up. Sounds like you're in a good place. I'm so happy for you!

Looks like I'm headed for the big D. Or let me re-phrase that - H is getting his coveted D, but not til the terms are as close to what I want as possible.

He moved in with Catbitch in May. He's jobless, broke, and has been very sick all summer. Hope he's happy!!

Do you ever hear from Tawyna? Tell her hello and I hope she's doing well.

Take care.


Me 56
H 47
Married 21 years
No children
Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself".
Ow Bomb 8/07
H filed 6/08
D final 2/05/10




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Hi Silver

Have you been posting lately? Thought I was following your thread but I'll double check. I haven't talked a whole lot to Tawnya lately but I did pass on your message. Hope you've been enjoying your summer as much as possible. I tried a ballet class but I think at this age my joints just don't bend that way.

Update:

I decided to check BF's work email tonight on a whim. First off found that the password was changed but I think they have to change it every certain number of days. I figured it out and nothing to or from OW. I did however find a few messages to another woman in the permanent delete folder. They sound very flirty to me and I'm not sure why they are the only ones in that folder other than routine reports.

My stomach is in knots and I'm on the verge of tears. BF has been asleep for an hour and I don't want to wake him up but I also don't want to let this fester because I know I'll be all worked up by tomorrow.

We're having a party for his entire department and their families on Saturday. I'm having major flashbacks to last summer's party for work people when OW was at our house.

Ok, think I'll go wake him up and get this over with.


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Well that did not go well.

I woke him up and asked who she is.

A consultant on the old project.

And why are you flirting with her via email and trying to hide it?

Blink, blink. Pause. I didn't want you to get upset over nothing.

Well, if you're hiding it then you know you crossed a line and if there's nothing to hide then you wouldn't do it. For the thousandth time, actions speak louder than words and your actions scream guilt. I feel like it's last November when I asked if there was someone else and you lied to my face. We're back at square one and I can't trust anything you say.

Part of me thinks I'm overreacting because I'm stressed out about the party and it's bringing back some ugly memories. Part of me does not want to be played for a fool yet again. I can't and won't go through all of that again. I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what's going on at work.

So now I'm downstairs in the guest room crying and trying to decide what to do next. I went back into his email and found another string of flirty messages from July 24. Nothing else to or from her besides that since March. So BF has definitely deleted more, I just wasn't looking for the right name. I was looking for OW1 not even thinking there was OW2 in the wings.


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Hi Pearl,
You've been so helpful to me on my thread I wanted to check in with you and say hello, now that I see your updates. I am sorry about the weird exchange..any new info?

BTW did you guys go to counseling after you got back together? Or have you ever in the past? Perhaps it would help. Also curious, did you ever discuss getting married? Do you think there are commitment issues there?

Obviously i'm not the best to give advice, and am new to your most recent story - just wanted to say that I admire your strength and the confidence you have shown...and know your own self-worth!!

We're all rooting for you here!
((hugs))

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hhh, thanks for stopping by. Will answer your questions first.

No, we haven't been to counseling. We worked through the exercises in After the Affair but kind of let things slide when the schedule got busy. I did it consciously because I wanted to live more in the moment and not push so much for conversation. I'm now thinking that maybe it is time for the structure of counseling although I'm not sure what else I want to get from it. We did go to a couple counseling sessions early on but BF was completely wrapped up in his affair and not ready or willing to get anything out of it. I saw the counselor several times by myself but stopped going when he made it clear he thought I should walk away and never look back. Perhaps in the end he will be right but I was uncomfortable with his pronouncement of absolutes.

Marriage discussions...well, yes and no. My position on marriage has always been that people get so wrapped up in the wedding and lose sight of the relationship and I was not going to do that. Plus we're not having children and that's usually why people get married. We always said we're together because we want to, not because we have to. Over the years I have had times when I wanted to get married but didn't bring it up because BF was so vocally opposed (i.e. when finding out his guy friends were getting married he gave them a hard time). But now he insists that he is not opposed to it, he just thought I did not want it. Talk about lack of communication. So now he says he's here to stay forever. I don't doubt his commitment but we have not really discussed marriage again. I have decided that I do want to get married but recent events make me pause.

Update:
Friday morning I left for my daily walk while BF was getting ready for work. Thought he might realize that this was a serious sitch and wait for me to get home but he was gone, no note, nothing. BF called during the day as if nothing was wrong. I was furious and my curtness relayed that message. He said he wanted to talk when he got home and asked if I would be there or if I had other plans. My only plans were getting everything ready for the party for his employees.

He came home early bearing flowers and the first words out of his mouth were an apology. He knows what he did was wrong looking at it from my perspective and he won't do it again. Pause. I think he was expecting me to melt and say that's ok but I didn't. I asked about the other exchange I had found and he said he didn't think it was flirty, just friendly. Yes, it doesn't appear to be inappropriate but the fact that he tried to hide them screams guilt. He said since I had thought his exchange with another female coworker looked suspicious he wanted to avoid a scene. Not acceptable.

I told him this is not a small thing, this is the straw that may break the camel's back. I feel like I cannot trust him and we are back at square one. I will not go through all of this again. He said he feels like we're headed down the right path and our bumps in the road are fewer and far between. Yes, but I do not want to think, gee, it's been four months since he's had inappropriate communication with a coworker--maybe it will be six months until I discover the next one! Not good enough. I do not want to spend the rest of my life wondering what is going on with any of the hundreds of women he deals with at work.

I told him I need a few days to figure out what I want to do. I ended up thawing a bit towards him and things feel back to normal now. But I have shied away from intimate contact because I do not feel like I can connect like that with him right now.

My gut tells me that he's not cheating and that he really wants to be with me. It also tells me that it's not fair to either one of us to move forward if I cannot find a way to trust him again.

He had a surprise day planned for this Friday that he ended up telling me about so we'll see how that goes. Then I'm heading home for a week before he flies up to join me for a weekend getaway for Labor Day weekend. Guess it's just one day at a time for now.

Last edited by pearlharbr; 08/25/09 12:02 AM.

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pearl,

Got caught up last night with something else. Just reading now, and seeing the latest developments.

I know how your stomach will just knot up when this kind of stuff appears. I'm sorry to hear that! I think you are right about the fact that somehow you will need to regain trust in him to move forward and you will need his help for that. Right now, he's kind of sabotaging this process and it takes a long time to get past these things. And you have told him that it sounds like.

Your gut telling you he's not cheating is already proof of some level of trust from your side. However, I can completely understand how your stomach just sinks into your shoes when you see these emails. I guess in the end it is about BF understanding what you consider inappropriate contact.


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That's the thing Sam, BF knows exactly what I consider inappropriate because I've spelled it out multiple times. That's what frustrates/pisses me off. He realized what he was doing was wrong and instead of just owning up to it and saying he made a mistake he tried to hide it and deny it. More deception, more lies. I'm just so tired of dealing with the same crap.

I'm feeling like he is either unable or unwilling to be open and honest with me. I do not want to feel responsible for constantly checking up on him and asking what's going on, only to be met by a response like, "Oops, yeah, I knew that was bad but I didn't want to upset you so I just tried to cover it up and hope you wouldn't find out. Since you did, all I can do is apologize and point out that it's been a long time since the last time I did this."

Grrr.


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Yep, that's exactly what he's doing. He's going to have to realize that it will take a few months of you snooping and finding nothing to put your mind at ease that there really is nothing. He needs to understand that. I am sure you have already told him this in a lot of different ways, but it hasn't sunken in apparently.


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