A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[PainX2]

Dia,

Thanks for sending me here. I just read most of your sich. As you know if you read mine, I was struggling for work a long time. I have a job now that I won't loose but it does not have enough hours. I have family support where I live. Wife lives in New Orleans. There is probably no reason for me to go there but it seems to me that the distance between us has made so many things impossible. I wish I could go to NO and work from there but there is no reason to if she still resents me.

[dolphin_05]

Hi Dia,

I've been following along......

Sending you affirmation for your patience and for your dedication. You're getting there!

All the best

Cas

[scrappy]

Thanks Dia for your reply to my sitch. There are similarities for sure in our sitch's. Im glad to hear your H has the alcohol under control. I don't know if that is possible for mine. It sounds like you are doing all the right things and you are getting some response. So glad for you! Keep at it! The veterans here know their stuff. Though I'm not new here, I haven't posted in a while. I will be checking in on you!

[mac-ct]

Good morning dai,

Hope the weekend went well for you.
Gotta tell us all about it.

I really hope H loved hugging kitty

And I think we behaved like any normal adult would over the weekend

(((((dia)))))


Mac

[Dia]

Hi, all,

I am back at H's. The weekend with the family held the expected amounts of laughter and tears given the situation. We are worried that this will dramatically hasten my grandfather's decline. Nothing to do for that except support him then wait and see.

The dance has already begun with H. He is complimentary, warm, and flirtatious, He was glad to see me, hugged me and cupped my cheek in his hand and told me I was pretty. But I am still sleeping on the couch, which I expected so no big deal.

When he put his hand to my cheek, I turned slightly and kissed the inside of his palm. I meant it as a sweet gesture but he almost immediately dropped his hands to cover his crotch and scurried out of the room. Apparently I still have a dramatic effect on him physically.

He comes to me to initiate conversation and he draws it out. He proactively sits next to me on the couch now. If I cook or clean, he is very appreciative.

Things are very, very good - all things considered. My guess on him not wanting me is the big bed with him is two-fold, ok, maybe three-fold:

1) He thinks he is being loyal and faithful to OW. (I got news for him - OW would already be having seven kinds of hissy fit if she could see how he interacts with me. )

2) He isn't ready for the emotional entanglement sleeping with me would entail.

3) He knows that if I'm there next to him, he eventually won't be able to resist the temptation, so he's heading it off at the pass.

I am handling this with patience and good humor, all of which is greatly helped by the rest of our interactions being so good.

I will see if I can make the rounds today.

Have a great day, everyone.

[Dia]

Melancholy day today. Grieving sucks. It's not the sobbing puddle of goo grieving, but the long, slow ache grieving.

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

I know exactly what you mean. I had a 4 hour drive last night alone. Gave me a lot of time to think about things. Beautiful sky as I drove north. I couldn't help but imagine how long and full a life my grandfather had. And that made me smile.

[Dia]

Journalling - the night's recap:

Got kidlet registered for school.

Got hired for a new, better paying position.

Secured a storage unit and unloaded my car into it.

Things with H today were very low-key and relaxed but also very companionable. It was a quiet day for me, and I let him know that it was about Gramma, not him. He took me to lunch when he heard I'd gotten the new job. There were jokes, hugs and compliments - he looked straight into my face and told me I looked good.

At one point we were talking with kidlet about making some changes to his room, and kidlet countered with, "I thought Mom and I were getting an apartment?" I didn't know how to answer that, so I just looked at H and let him do it.

H: Maybe. (and the silence dragged out)

H: It depends on what Mom finds.

Interesting. I'm not sure what to make of the maybe, especially since the second part seemed like a scrambling afterthought to fill the silence. Time is my friend right now.

This evening after kidlet went to bed, he went to his computer to work on his game and I took a book to sit in the window seat near him and read. There was occasional conversation - a sentence or three here or there - but no pressure to interact and I wasn't being actively engaging or vivacious. The result, far from being distant, was a companionable, shared silence. Togetherness even though we were doing different things.

There was a particular moment where I was looking at him and smiling - he looked very good to me at that point and I was reflecting on how good it felt just being quiet together - he looked over, saw me and said, "You're smiling. You must be happy."

I kept the smile and responded with, "Yes, I am."

At bedtime, he initiated a goodnight hug and told me I smelled good.

Note to self: There was a lesson for me here. When he goes to the computer I used to feel excluded and rejected, but by taking my book and reading near him, I converted abandonment into *drumroll* Quality Time. Another big 180 from me.

He has standing plans for Thursday night, so I am going out that night, too. FIL will be here to watch kidlet and I want to make sure I don't create an unspoken assumption that I will automatically be available to watch kidlet whenever he has plans. Would I mind watching kidlet? No. But he does need to consult with me, and I get to have plans, too.

[Dia]

Oh yeah - bought myself a present today. Passionate Marriage. Splurged on a new copy and overnight delivery. $14. Arrives tomorrow.

[PainX2]

Hi Dia,

I like where this is going. I couldn't read your whole story but I can imagine the fear and turmoil you must have gone through to get to this point.

I am happy for you.