A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

The pot has been stirred and not by me.

Yesterday before work I mentioned to FIL that with all the universities in the area and school starting up so soon, landlords were holding tight to their rent amounts and the competition for apartments was pretty fierce. Rental agents had told me that if I could wait until mid-Sept, that rents would probably drop.

FIL spoke to H about me waiting until October to find a place and H agreed. So apparently, I am staying until at least the end of Sept.

This sheds new light on the hammock incident last night since the convo between H and FIL happened prior to the jumble on the hammock.

Guess I have 30 days to DB my arse off, huh?

Any input?

[mac-ct]

dia - Get on with it

Great stuff dia - and what did you do to steer event's in this direction?

Honest question. Honest reply would be......

Mac

[Dia]

Well, I tihnk the hardcore DBing while I've been here in small doses helped immensely. I think H has less of a knee-jerk reaction against me now.

I have been pretty open with FIL about 'things', my desire to reconcile, etc. I also knew that me asking H directly would probably get a negative result. I did not ask FIL to talk to H - FIL agreed, but I confess that I was hoping he would.

Simple truth is, I won't qualify for an apartment at present just on pure math. Rent for a 2 bed place is $1600. $13/hour for 30 hrs a week is.. about $1600. I needed to wait for sheer financial reasons if nothing else and since I can't stay with the D-'s, staying here is the next logical step.

Not sure if that answers your question or not.

I'm ambivalent about it to tell the truth. It raises the stakes considerably. I'm a bit shaken and some fear is creeping in, truth be told.

H was out of sorts this morning, not snarky but a bit withdrawn and preoccupied. He recently re-injured a rotator cuff, though so there's every chance it's not related to me.

I'm driving down south tomorrow to be with the family for the weekend, so that will take some of the pressure off. Also need to get a storage unit so I can ferry some of my stuff into it for the interim.

Oh - an apparently H has planned a sleepover for kidlet and a friend tonight. Here. This means I cannot sleep in the LR.

Gonna be interesting.

[iwantittowork]

though so there's every chance it's not related to me.

Dia, I'd take that stance on everything related to your H. That's the stance I am trying to take with everything my W does.

It helps with the detachment part. I still have feelings like this, but instead of reacting to them I know do a little mental excersize something like so.

-Hmm. I am felling {Insert felling here) because my W said/did/did not say or do, etc..
-Ok, I understand that feeling, and it's because I am thinking X,Y,Z about this.
-Ok, that's my thinking of this, but I CAN't know what my W is thinking, etc. So I can now let that go!

[Dia]

Thanks, IW.

That's pretty much what I am doing. Before, I would take every bad mood of his personally - surely it meant that he was upset or unhappy with ME. Well, BS to that. It's not all about me. (Imagine that!) Before, I would then pester him with "Are you ok? What's wrong? You're mad at me, aren't you?" etc. Not helpful.

So this is one of my larger 180s.

If it's about me, it's his job to tell me. Unless I am told; I am free to assume it's not about me. And if it's not about me, it probably also falls under the heading of 'not my problem to solve.'

Kinda freeing, eh?

[iwantittowork]

Wow, I just re-read my note to you, and my spelling is atrocious..



But yes, it's kind of freeing! However, I need to practice this everyday, all day, and all the time, so I don't fall back into the same pattern you describe above about being all about us!

[Dia]

Tough day - Gramma was taken off life support this afternoon.

I had another job interview, this time for a permanent position. It went well though there are some hoops to jump before it's officially mine.

H is out with friends tonight.

[Dia]

Wow, that I forgot to post this says a lot about where my head is at atm.

Called H around 1 pm today to get FIL's cell number. He was laughing on the phone with me because of the way I had phrased the request and in the background, a co-worker asked him who he was talking to.

H (off to the side): It's my wife.

Hmmm, cool. Even tho we're not divorced, he's been calling me his ex-wife as far as I know, including to my face. Even in a dark day, it felt good to hear the W word.

[givingitmyall]

Good for you.

[Dia]

GRUMP!!!

Venting...

Great. Just friggen' great. My grandmother got taken off life support today so the rational human being might - just might - think that possibly tonight I would need some of that milk of human kindness stuff.

FIL went to the town next door to do FIL stuff.

Kidlet is on a sleepover at the other kid's house.

H is having movie night with friends at their place.

And I am left alone all by my godd@mn self.

I'm headed down the hill to find some food that I don't have to cook myself.