Believe me, I have done as much reading as I can to understand this. Unfortunately, I don't find a lot of answers on "How to fix things". I just find out why things are happening the way they are. It helps me understand what's going on, but I have no clue how to fix it.
Oh, sugar, this is why you need some help. You can't "fix it." But you can learn what to expect and how to cope...and what is realistic. I think you do have some hope that with meds she can sort out the rest of her crap, and you can learn how to respond and how to take care of you.
That link is good, there are support sections for people who are working on staying with the person. And some for separating from a disordered person. You might have noticed that it can be a very Alice In Wonderland experience.
You might have noticed that it can be a very Alice In Wonderland experience.
You got that right. Sometimes I have no idea what way is up. What is right or wrong. It didn't use to be this way though. We had at least 8 great years.
The snake is telling her that he believes her disorder is "situational" and it would likely get better if she left me. Sometimes, I find myself wondering if it is true. Then am ashamed that I could even think that my W and kids would be better off with this guy than me. It is so hard to not get caught up in her world and conflicted way of thinking.
I agree with Breakaway about coordinating with her prof help. They do need to be made aware of what this snake is doing.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
It is not unusual for a psych to speak to or meet with the spouse of a client. You can call, tell the psych you have some important info to share and see if s/he wants to talk to you further. They psych cannot tell you anything your W has said in session, and by the same token, the psych cannot tell your W anything you have said w/o your permission. Psych may ask you if a certain issue can be brought up with W in one of her sessions, and psych may also have advice on who/when/how to tell W that you spoke to him/her.
If psych does not know about W's trauma/abuse history, this is important info to share.
Give the psych a call and go from there.
Last edited by Dia; 08/13/0904:59 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
You can "read", you can "understand", you can be paralyzed with fear, you can "stand", but you will cooling your heels forever.
Look for Fightingfit's threads and take her advice to heart. It is the best I've ever read here. Your wife needs good shaking-up from a BIG 180 from you.
Also, anytime I read "EA" on this forum, I just automatically think, "BULLSH!T!!" Because I know that the infidel is f*cking her "friend." And I just love how these liars say the most ridiculous things to insult the betrayed spouse. "Nothing really happened", "We just kissed", "We only did it ONCE." I think the old "we only did it once" is my favorite.
After reading here for quite awhile, I see how many of us being jerked around. We allow it because we're "scared." Well, enough of that crap.
I think it would be a good idea for you to tell her that if she doesn't END THIS IMMEDIATELY, you are more than willing to kick her to the curb and go for custody of the kids. They certainly don't need a lying, cheating, bi-polar mother for a role model.
It is not unusual for a psych to speak to or meet with the spouse of a client. You can call, tell the psych you have some important info to share and see if s/he wants to talk to you further. They psych cannot tell you anything your W has said in session, and by the same token, the psych cannot tell your W anything you have said w/o your permission. Psych may ask you if a certain issue can be brought up with W in one of her sessions, and psych may also have advice on who/when/how to tell W that you spoke to him/her.
If psych does not know about W's trauma/abuse history, this is important info to share.
Give the psych a call and go from there.
Thank you Dia. I gave the office a call and they said the Dr will give me a call back. I feel uncomfortable doing this. Does anyone think this is a bad idea? Being that I am the spouse (that has a stake in her decision), I wonder how much weight he will give to the information I divulge. At least I can get some suggestions on where I can get help.
I just talked to the psyche. He was very pleasent. He listened to me and seemed to take note of the things I said. After I had my say, he told me in "generalities" that bi-polar patients often see things through "different lenses" (while in depressed or manic states) and make decisions that they would not have otherwise. He went on to say that he has often seen the devastating effects of those decisions when the perverbial s*** hits the fan. He said I needed to find an individual counselor to help cope with W. He then said I hope everything works out for the best - for you, W, and the kids sake. I really did feel that he was on the side of our marriage. Thank God. She sees him next week.
MC session in less than 3 hours. I am extremely anxious.
Waiting for the counseling session, W tells me she told MIL about affair and desire for seperation. She said that the MIL was very upset and seemed somewhat surprised that the MIL "took my side" as strongly as she did. She also told me that she bought the book "Contemplating Divorce". She made note that it was a "Workbook" not a "How To".
She brought up the desire to seperate in the MC session. The counselor, asked her her reasons and how far along in the planning she was. Then said, essentially that there was no reason for us to be in marriage counseling if we were not going to be working on our marriage. He is going to see me as an IC, she already has an IC.
I arrive home from session, greet the children and receive an big hug from a very emotional MIL, who is staying with us for 3 weeks. It was hard not to get choked up, so I went up to lie down. On my way up I hear the girls ask mommy "Why is everyone crying?" MIL came into the room a few minutes later to express how sorry she was and that she was going to pray for me.
Got my composure and shaved my goatee. I had one because my wife had mentioned that she liked them and liked the way it looked on me. I guess I looked at it as a way of taking control of my own life. Then went for a long walk as the counselor suggested.
When I got home, W noticed that I had shaved the goatee and made a comment that it made me look younger. I helped putting the 2 girls to bed and went to our room to continue reading "We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love". It is not somethng I would normally read (I am an engineer that enjoys the more concrete), but I am finding it intersting and it does help me understand the dynamics in our behavior.
W comes in a few minutes later, she has tears in her eyes and says "You must hate me?" I simply say "I don't hate you." She lies down to start her workbook. I can tell she wants to talk, but doesn't say anything. I give her my attention, but do not say anything either. After a moment, she asks how am I doing. I think I just shrugged my shoulders and asked how she was. She said "Sad. I am having a hard time." I think my reply was "Sorry." She puts her book down, she couldn't have read more than a paragragh, grabs my hand, kisses it, and says goodnight. I can tell she is having a hard time; I ask if she feels if she is at the bottom of a canyon with every cliff to steep to climb. She replies "Yes. I feel trapped in a hole." The adds " or between a wall and a sword".
She woke up early this morning and went down to work in the workbook. I stayed in bed for about 45 more minutes, then went down with our eldest daughter. I sat down on the couch to continue some reading. W moved to be next to me. We didn't say anything, we just read.
After taking my shower, I was in a towel putting cream on myself for my eczema. My wife asks if I want her to put some on my back. I reply "Does it need it?" She says "It is red". I hand her the tube. She doesn't rush through putting it on. When she finishes, she gives a little giggle. I give her a puzzling look; she goes on to say "It's strange. How in some ways we can be so connected and in others so distant". I reply "I understand how we are connected; I don't understand how we are so distant". She said "It is hard to explain." I turn around. She looks at me and says "You look great." One benefit to all this anxiety is that I have lost 25 lbs.
I was about to leave for work. She says "Wait. I will walk out with you." I oblige. As we reach her car, she turns and asks for a hug. We hug and she kisses me on the cheek. As we pull away, I look at her and say "This is hard." She says "It is hard. Hopefully, this workbook will help." I ask "How?" Her reply "Hopefully it will help me figure out what I want to do. One way or the other."
The short answer is: ILYBNILY. - That is what she tells me anyway. But then she adds the caveat "... But sometimes I do feel like I am in love with you". She has resentment for the way I treated her a couple of years ago. I was not always the greatest husband and did not help out nearly enough when the children were younger. I was not supportive of her career at that time either. She has good reasons to be upset for those things. However, she agrees that I have changed now. But she says those feelings for me have not come back.
