I want to reach out to my x, ask him how he could do this, how he could have no second thoughts or regrets, how he could not care and left me for dead when I was suicidal. But my hand has been burned too many times by reaching into that fire. So I won't.
I know I sound so pathetic, someone no body would want to be with. This isn't the way it's supposed to be. And I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Donna, It is hard all the way around. I agree. But put Chuck away, he isn't worth the pain and thoughts. I always want to understand why and have come to realize and accept that I may never know. Perhaps neither will you.
You do have acquaintances and so that is a good place to start. Ask one to a movie one night or to grab dinner. Yes other people may be couples but they need some "me" time too. I really do understand, I am basically shy and it takes a lot to reach out.
I do get lonely too but I am starting to get comfortable in my own skin. Go to the movies by yourself. I will wait until just a few minutes before the movie starts and then go in. Go walking, jogging, just think of where you want to be in your life.
I enjoyed being married too. I think of this lady I saw about a month ago. I had helped her when I worked at the bank about 11 years ago. She came in crying, her H was having an affair and wanted a divorce. She didn't have a clue. My heart really went out to her and I tried to comfort her the best I could. Fast forward to a month ago.
I see her and know that I know her. It takes me a minute to place her and she recognizes me. I can tell her her former name and even her ex's name. She said yes but I got remarried. It took me a few years but I forgave him, forgave her and love came into my life. I hadn't even known that this guy liked me, he was someone I worked with. He threw me a surprise birthday party and that was my first hint that he had feelings for me. We were married less that a year later. I never knew a marriage could be like this she said. I believe someday I will say that too.
Maybe we didn't have the best examples of what it could be like so we just muddled along. Now we know sooo much more. I believe we will be able to have a much better marriage next time because we know it takes work, we know there are good times and bad and really we just aren't naive anymore.
Hang in there Donna, better times are ahead.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I have felt much of what you have expressed, almost all of it. It's very understandable and to be expected, I guess. And that's why we're all here, to share these moments and help each other get through this.
So many things you've said, I know exactly what you mean. My x was my best friend too, the best friend I had ever met. When we started dating I was very sexually drawn to her, but at the same time I was fearful of losing a good friend if things didn't turn out well in a more romantic R. I let her know I really, really did not want to lose that, our friendship. Ever. Fortunately, we stayed happily together into M, as friends even, for several years -- I still ask myself exactly where and at what point did we stop being friends with each other.
And I really did enjoy being married to xW, for at least most of our M if not all of it.
I also understand the loneliness. I am certain all of us here do. Most of my life I have been a person who can appreciate and make use of solitude. But it pains me to realize every other week when I do not have my two S's here in custody, to keep me occupied, that I realize just how pathetically alone I am sometimes. It really gets to me just when I think I'm immune. I have the Lord God, right? As such no one of faith is ever really alone, right? And yet there it is.
I too often find myself wanting to ask my x the burning question of "Why?" Every once in a while I recall in my mind's eye an image of my xW's previous character. I note the absolute stark contract between the two personalities and am again aghast at what has happened. Thus comes this same refrain, "Why? How?"
But there is the other sort of loneliness to which you allude as well. And that too is very, very difficult to deal with. For me that is, in some ways, more difficult -- and in other ways, less difficult, paradoxically -- than the "simpler" sort of loneliness. If you know what I mean.
Let's just say I try to keep myself pretty busy, so much so that I don't really have too much time to think about any form of loneliness.
But hang in there, lady. As big a pessimist as I find myself being, I still have faith that things will get better eventually. For all of us.
"I want to reach out to my x, ask him how he could do this, how he could have no second thoughts or regrets, how he could not care and left me for dead when I was suicidal."
1. Oh, come on. Of course he had second thoughts, he even went to MC with you. No doubt he even now has regrets about how he handled things.
2. He did not leave you for dead. You are not dead. Nor was he in a position to help you. Rather, he was the poison that was hurting you. HE COULD NOT be the one to rescue you, so let go of blaming him for not being that person. It is a tired refrain you play when you want to slip into your sulky comfort zone. And you damn well know what I mean.
3. Glad to see from other posts that you snapped back quickly. Wahooooo!!!!
Well, at least I am settling into a predictable pattern - loneliness sets in more readily when the kids are away. I guess I have to start really setting up some outside things to do that start early in the day so I get up and out before I start to wallow.
X has taken a back-seat to my thoughts, as has also become more usual. There, but not there - not like it used to be. It becomes more and more abstract.
The friend down the street stopped me today as I was driving by. We talked about her vacation, some other things. Then she brought up how x had called her about a month ago, inviting her and her family to his and gf's house. She finally said no, she just wasn't comfortable with the whole thing, all that had happened (with the lies to her included), how she had watched me go through hell and could never accept his R with that woman. He said she had to separate me from him, that we were no longer a couple. He gave her an ultimatum - accept it as he is with all he comes with, or be done. She said ok, bye.
I'm still not sure if our friendship has cooled because of all that has happened, if she was more connected to him than me, if work and kid schedules have changed, or if it is just the cycle of things. But the kids and I have been invited to her S's party on Saturday, and she asked me to come to the family time. So we'll go.
btw, I did write a note to MIL and FIL over the past weekend / lonely time:
Quote:
I am sorry that I snapped at you today. It is just sometimes, when you ask What is it this time, or what is wrong now... well, you know what is wrong. And it makes me feel guilty for having weak moments, for being sad. Yesterday was hard. There will be days like that. I tried to tell you, but you seem exasperated that I can't shut up about it, put on the happy face and move on with my life. I am sorry if my openness makes you uncomfortable sometimes. At least I have become able to compartmentalize it and not let it affect the children (I dearly hope).
I wanted to talk to you and Dad about something.
I have been feeling guilty, too, for being in the way of your relationship with your own children. You and Dad may say that it isn't the case, but I think it is. Even without anyone saying anything or talking about it, I think the sibs are very hurt, like you have "taken sides" against one of their own. Mary talks about not leaving anyone behind. And how hurt she was when people at church seemed surprised that she was your daughter, not me. And the rift between you and Chuck...
I think it is part of my looking at my own relationship with my mom. How, no matter how hard I tried, how "good" I was, she just couldn't really connect with me. It left me always trying to bend and please others and feeling that I wasn't worth anything in the end. I think Chuck felt something like that way, too. Have I told you the story of the storm windows at your house? It was no where near the same extent, but I think criticisms of him tore him up inside, made him a very insecure person.
I guess what I am saying is, it is too late for me to repair any kind of relationship with my own parents, my own mom. And the repurcutions will echo through my whole life for that. It is one of the main reasons I am still struggling.
Please, try to reconcile with your son. I love him, and I know how much it must hurt him to be apart from you. He needs that unconditional love we talked about in the women's group. Maybe someday, with you being able to finally open up communication with him, he will learn to communicate, too. Maybe he needs your example to learn what unconditional love is. In the end, I just want him to be happy, and you, too. Forgiveness does not mean condoning.
You are probably the best, closest friend I have right now. And although it is a scary thought, I would understand if you decided that you needed some distance from me in order to heal the rest of the family. I don't want to be selfish or be the issue that stands in the way of that.
Words cannot express the gratitude and love I have for you and Dad. I can only hope that you all start talking together and work it all out.
The recent emails I get from DivorceCare have been about forgiveness and reconcilliation, even if a marriage is not restored. I don't want to hurt forever, be an angry and bitter woman. I am working on myself every day. I copied one here; it might make interesting reading if you go to the home page, where you could see any one of the 365 readings, each sent daily.
The swimming pool / toxic dump has been cleaned and filled! I am hooking up to the town sewers within the month, and the landscaping will be done all at once with that. HUGE thing!
The basement has been reclaimed - everything wiped down, rugs washed, windows replaced with WORKING, clean vinyl with screens! No more rusted-shut single-pane I think I have finally run the last mouse out of the house. New totes for the kids to store their pared-down toys in.
The sunroom studio is GLORIOUS!!! I just got the treadmill moved into it today. My D is giving up the iron daybed I love (and that she never really liked) to serve as the couch in there, and I've gotten some other chairs through freecycle. She will finally get a new bed. Also picked up a beautiful glass aquarium coffee table that we put a few comets in - I had designed one years back when X used to work in autoglass (he was going to make me one and it never happened). Bought a new cage for the bunny, who moved there, too. D and I have been sketching in there, reading, playing with the animals. I can look out onto what used to be the pool dump and imagine the flowers and ponds that will be there next spring.
The microwave was replaced today; again, thanks to freecycle. I haven't had a working one all summer, and it will be used a lot when school gets back in session.
The house is coming together, and it feels great!!! I even went and got a new vacuum (the old one started spraying dirt, dog hair and broken glass OUT the last time I tried!), and the contractor trimmed the hedges today because he was bored!
Hopefully a big tag sale will help clear most of the other clutter that is making me a bit bananas, and we will be in good shape for the start of the new school year! I look forward to this renewal like I look forward to Spring each year...
S14 starts ROTC orientation tomorrow!!! In HIGH SCHOOL!!! Ack! I am so proud of him, though - he is a very good kid.
We are finally hitting the 90 degrees here - and normally I wouldn't complain, given how cool this summer was - but the AC is broken AGAIN! You know, the one that x had to install as part of the D agreement. The same tech who was electrocuted the last time the damn thing broke down came out. It had sprung a leak and flooded the new office (which of course had paperwork all over, which is now a sopping mess). The tech couldn't do anything today to fix it or turn it back on - I have to talk to the manager tomorrow, because of all the shortcuts that X took when he put the thing in. I have no idea how much its going to cost. Blech.
Well, at least the kids and I did well decluttering this weekend - had a tag sale with disappointing profit, but the stuff is out!
I think I have finally run the last mouse out of the house. New totes for the kids to store their pared-down toys in.