Puppy you're misunderstanding. I have told her if I see this guy I'm going to punch him out. Hell no I don't respect her affair. I respect that she thinks we should not be together. I have made it clear that I have my hope for us because I think differently. I am trying to be lovingly detached. If you think I need a 2x4 or should set up a tougher boundary, then by all means, please tell me. I am going by the case studies in DR where wives that were going to file for divorce are given their space to sit with the guilt of their own actions. I also did a 180. She had been giving me hugs before she went to her room. I told her last night, "as much as I love your hugs, I just can't feel good about them unless we're working together on our marriage." She said "well I'm only giving them because you said it made you feel better." I said, "yes, but not any more unless we're working on our marriage."
Puppy you're misunderstanding. I have told her if I see this guy I'm going to punch him out. Hell no I don't respect her affair. I respect that she thinks we should not be together. I have made it clear that I have my hope for us because I think differently. I am trying to be lovingly detached. If you think I need a 2x4 or should set up a tougher boundary, then by all means, please tell me. I am going by the case studies in DR where wives that were going to file for divorce are given their space to sit with the guilt of their own actions. I also did a 180. She had been giving me hugs before she went to her room. I told her last night, "as much as I love your hugs, I just can't feel good about them unless we're working together on our marriage." She said "well I'm only giving them because you said it made you feel better." I said, "yes, but not any more unless we're working on our marriage."
Puppy you're misunderstanding. I have told her if I see this guy I'm going to punch him out. Hell no I don't respect her affair. I respect that she thinks we should not be together. I have made it clear that I have my hope for us because I think differently. I am trying to be lovingly detached. If you think I need a 2x4 or should set up a tougher boundary, then by all means, please tell me. I am going by the case studies in DR where wives that were going to file for divorce are given their space to sit with the guilt of their own actions. I also did a 180. She had been giving me hugs before she went to her room. I told her last night, "as much as I love your hugs, I just can't feel good about them unless we're working together on our marriage." She said "well I'm only giving them because you said it made you feel better." I said, "yes, but not any more unless we're working on our marriage."
I can only go by what you post here -- that's all ANY of us have to work on -- and you continue to come across as being too enabling/doormattish. Maybe your interactions with her are different, I don't know.
This, however, comes real close to what you want to be doing:
Quote:
I also did a 180. She had been giving me hugs before she went to her room. I told her last night, "as much as I love your hugs, I just can't feel good about them unless we're working together on our marriage." She said "well I'm only giving them because you said it made you feel better." I said, "yes, but not any more unless we're working on our marriage."
I LOVE the way you started that exchange, but would recommend that you twist it slightly different:
"I also did a 180. She had been giving me hugs before she went to her room. I told her last night, "as much as I love your hugs, I just can't feel good about them unless we're working together on our marriage." She said "well I'm only giving them because you said it made you feel better." I said,
"I understand, and I've changed my mind on that as I feel much stronger now."
OK - thank you. That's good feedback. I never know when these interactions will come up and keep trying to get better from the inside out so that I don't sound scripted, but true. I will start meditating on the "I feel much stronger now," so that my words, thoughts and actions will truly reflect that strength. My Coach also told me today to seek out laughter as a healing method before interactions with Wife as that is a great way to let my true strength shine.
Puppy - my dysfunction started when I was 12 and my dad killed himself as I was in puberty. I used the feel good of another person a woman and sex as a healing balm and struggle with abandonment issues. This separation is touching both of those weaknesses, i.e. I have to feel good about myself without Wife and without sex.
Now you are getting fired up. Project who you want to be. Stand up tall and put some swagger in your step. Your coach is right about laughter. Start smiling at anyone. Remove the weight from your shoulders and start focusing on what is right in the world. Is there a hobby you tossed aside that you could revist to divert your attention? Without guitar I would be lost.
Funny you should say guitar because I have always wanted to play and am going to take lessons at the community college just bought myself a start guitar and looking forward to it.
What is the thinking on contact with the Other Man? My brother in law suggested I call him and tell him that my Wife is thinking about spending her life with him - is he really ready for that?
What is the thinking on contacting the other man? My brother in law said he had a friend that was in my situation and called the man and told him that his wife was thinking about spending the rest of her life with him - was he ready for that?
I could also say that I love my wife very much to this other man and that I absolutely will fight for her and our family, and his fooling around with her is despicable!
What is the thinking on contacting the other man? My brother in law said he had a friend that was in my situation and called the man and told him that his wife was thinking about spending the rest of her life with him - was he ready for that?
you might as well pick up her birth control on the way back from victoria's secret for her!
James, it appears to me from reading and commenting to your posts that you a searching for a magic cure and someone to tell you that by being her friend and doing this and that to accomodate her all will be fine in X number of days. Truth is there is no magic pill and this affair will always be an aspect of your marital relationship whether it is guilt she harbors or the anger and mistrust that you will have to deal with.
What concerns me the most is the disrespect you allow her to show to you. You seem confused and you are enabling her to treat you like crap. You allow her to travel half way across the country. And you tell her to have a good time. getting laid is a very good time. You know that she is visting another man. Yet you do not stop her and wait for her to return. what is stopping her from doing it again? not her husband of all people. you tell her you are working on you and she says good. why because she is not thinking about you she is thinking about someone else and would like you to think about her less so that her plan falls easily into place.
It is time for this to STOP! 90 day in house seperation. what is that about? time to get her finances and things together to walk out on you? you are going to be devasted when that happens unless you put a stop to this right now. You are more in control of the outcome then you think you are. SM
