Yep he’s still confused; he does seem to be wavering a bit. You’re doing great; patience is the hardest thing though. I would give it a couple of meetings more and then maybe gently test the waters? Casually offer him a cup of tea next time he picks the kids up, he may say no and then you will know that it’s too soon. If it’s a yes great but you must appear that it’s no biggy either way. Do you need to call the kids when they are with him? Or would it simply be an excuse to interact with him? If it’s the first do it if not don’t. It’s the kid’s time with him and their relationship is for them to decide and develop without you at this stage. Took me ages to get that one – I really have to bite my tongue here and don’t always succeed to practice what I preach. Trixi’s right it would be good to give some thought to what YOU would like to see in a new R too.
Your reminders to know what I want in a R are hitting home with me.
I have made the choice to unconditionally love my husband (or ex-husband) and put my family back together. Every time I try to completely detach and move on I get pulled back to this. I know in my heart that it is the right thing for me. But it takes courage and patience to stay the course.
At times I do think to myself "What am I doing? WHY do I want to be with someone who does not want to be with me?" Should I move on and date someone else, hoping that the feelings will follow?
He has commented to a friend that maybe he should just "bite the bullet" and get back together with me. Why would I want that? Can't I see that I deserve to be with someone who loves me and WANTS to be with me?
I do need to talk to my kids everyday. They are 8 and 10. I try to be positive with their time with their dad. He was not really around before (during our M) because he was always working. It is hard for me to not be with them all the time because I imagined that we would be together alone after the D. That has not been the case. He has become a more attentive father and my kids love it.
I have slipped and spoken to him about personal things. He has asked me repeatedly about the "date" and pressed for details even though I did not confirm that there was one. He then said, "That's why I'm not with you. You can't give me a straight answer without a debate. (OW) would have just answered the question without getting into a fight." That crushed me and I told him that there was no date, I just did not want to talk about those things with him. Don't know what effect that had on him.
My kids are going to his sister's house with his mom for 5 days. I would LOVE to go do something fun, non-drama, with him. I did ask him if I could stay at the house while they are gone, since he only stays there when he has the kids and lives the rest of the time with the OW. I said I just wanted some time alone to think about things and would appreciate it. He said that would be ok if nobody else knew. He also said that he would be staying there part of the time too and that he had already told OW that. I said to just let me know what days he would not be there. I also asked if he wanted to get together while the kids were gone (SHOOT ME!!) and he said that would be ok. I told him either you want to or you don't and either is fine with me, I just don't want the drama. We will see what happens. I will not call him today ... I PROMISE!
No you don’t want to get back with him just get back with him just cos it’s the easy thing to do. You should see this as an opportunity to rebuild a new R that will be more fulfilling for both of you.
Interesting that he’s stepped up to being a father now that he has the kids on his own. Perhaps you did too much when you were together? This is a form of you pulling back and he’s stepped up do you think?
As for the ‘date’ conversation it sounds like he’s trying to stir it up a bit. I think sometimes that if the H feels that things are getting cosy again he pulls back, remember a reasonable conversation may make him feel guilty, it’s like he’s cheating on OW. His loyalties are split.
Why would he not want anyone else to know that you were staying at the house? Split loyalies again? You’ve asked to spend time with him, see if he picks up on the invitation and takes the initiative.
He had said that he was going to be at the house last night, but I didn't really expect him to be. He usually ends up at her house regardless of his "plans".
I called him (GRRR!) to see if he was really staying there or if I could. I left a voice message saying that I was headed out to pick up a few of my things but I would not bring anything to stay in case he really was staying there. I got a text back that he was staying there tonight. Thought that was odd, so I called him back to let him know that I just wanted a few things from the barn so I would be out but not stay. He said no, he had "company".
Please, is it not bad enough that he has my house, all my furniture that I have left there until he refinances and gets my name off so I can get a place of my own? He has been spending ALL his time at her house... WHY does he now need to take her there to sleep in MY bed? This is what went through my head at the time...
I flipped out a little and did tell him NOT to sleep in MY bed. He said he would talk to me later about it and hung up. I tried to call back but he wouldn't answer. (my mistake) I just sent a text asking "What is wrong with her house?"
I went ahead and went to the barn at the house and got my things. Did not go to the house, was only up there 5 minutes and left immediately.
An hour later I get a call from him asking "What are you doing to me?" He said she was just out there to help him clean. Insinuated that she was never planning to spend the night, but I don't believe that. Said they fought and she got mad and left. I don't think that is my fault, sorry. I was not really in the mood to listen, he said he would call me back, I said don't bother.
He tried to call me two more times last night and I didn't answer either call. Not going to call him today, even to see if the house is still available for me to stay in. MIGHT text him to ask later this afternoon, but ideally I will not contact him and will just ask him IF he calls me. If I don't hear from him by tomorrow I will text and ask if I can spend Thursday night there. I mean, good grief, it's still my house and all my belongings there.
Had a REALLY emotional day yesterday and not going too well today. I think I might be able to detach now. It just feels like I am sort of giving up.
He called back, I let voicemail pick it up. Said that it was fine for me to stay out there by myself and that he would probably be by at some point and we needed to talk. He said not to call him back and he would call me tomorrow. I just texted him back thank you, I just need some time alone to think.
By myself? I wonder if he meant that I would not be staying there with him (obviously!) or that he did not want ME to have company? He did ask when I first brought it up if I needed a private place to have someone over. Whatever.
It was nice to have the house to myself. I did not call him but did text him back that I was sorry that I jumped to conclusions about them sleeping in my bed, but that it was just one of those hot button issues about respect (my kids are another such issue) that I have a hard time being rational about. I apologized if I made his evening uncomfortable. I did not get a response and really did not expect one.
This morning I called early-ish so I would hopefully get his voicemail and told him how much I appreciated being able to stay at the house. It was just peaceful, had a sense of normalcy and let me get off the "crazy train" for a little while. Told him that if I was taking his space I would not stay there again, but if he didn't mind I would like to stay there the next two nights as well.
If you two are divorced, why are you so upset that he's seeing someone? I mean, isn't that one of the points of getting divorced -- not to have marital obligations anymore?
I'm not upset that he is seeing someone, per se. I do not question that he stays with her at her house every night that he does not have the kids. He keeps telling me that it's "not serious" but he really likes her. He has sent me SO many mixed and confusing signals, I really don't know what to think. I am trying hard to give him the space he needs to figure it all out.
My problem was the sleeping in MY bed. They have a place (her house) to be together. She does not like coming over to "his" house because my things are still there. I have been living in a bedroom at my parents' house, with my kids in an adjoining bedroom. I did not take my things from the house because it just felt vindictive and not right for the kids when they came over. I feel like it is a respect issue - I am freely letting him use my things, including my bed, and I don't understand why he has to sleep with her in it when they have another place with no issues. Is that clearer?
They had a big fight and he told me we "might have to start thinking about" getting my things put in a storage unit. I told him to just let me know, I had been leaving them there to be kind. He understood that but she does not. Oh well, go ahead and rock the boat and throw fits, OW! Let's give him some more to think about!
Doing much better not calling him. Have texted him each morning a short thank you for letting me use the house, let him know I would probably not stay there tonight. He called me each day and we had a short chat, he initiated all the subjects and I said goodbye first. Seems hard, but I can remember a month ago when he would not even look at me and would NEVER call me. So I am making progress.
I know from his friend that he is still confused and does not know what he wants. He has told me that he and the OW talk a lot and her house is a "neutral" place. Does not make sense to me.
Stacy, Obviously I would rather that he was not seeing her. I know that we are divorced and he has every right to date whomever he chooses. It is really no different than anyone else here... I can't control his actions, even more so since we are actually divorced, and can just let him know my feelings then leave him alone to make a decision. The "where" issue is really just one of my boundaries that I do feel that I have some control over.
I know that he feels torn and confused. He has many changes to make in his life and I honestly do not want to be in a relationship (marriage) with him if he does not want to make those changes. I have committed to my family and made changes. He sees them but does not trust that they are real yet. I think he is an idiot for telling me he still has feelings for me and still continuing to see his new girlfriend, but my choices are move on or be patient. I have prayed and prayed about this and know in my heart what I want. I just need to continue to let him make his journey and see what God's will for our lives is.
