Ali, Glad to see you back! It's nice to come here and read some positives after all the misery on this board.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
Hey everyone!! T, Lisa, Andabelle, Rob, Mish, Michelle, Dawn, Julia, Dia, Addie (where you been!?) thanks for your kind words and for following me.
Its wierd being in this position. I feel like I have this giant metaphorical foam hand pointing at me, like I am one of the few here, I know. Why me? Its very very wierd. But I always knew we would get back together. He said, he knew too deep down and that noone really believed he had moved on either!
We have his oldest BMF and W staying with us. She was the key person that kept my hope alive. They are our bestest couple friends and it cements our R to have them stay with us again, first time since just before the bomb. We are having a bottle of champagne and going for a meal with them tonight, bf's idea, an unspoken celebration. He always was a lovely man, but he is surpassing himself lately!
Yesterday I had to drive him to collect something from Helens office! Its near to mine and his (I work for the same organisation as her now again, but I doubt our paths will cross). I was curious in case we did see her, but he said it hadnt even crossed his mind! So I think he has let go of her now.
I quizzed him about staying friends with her, would he prefer to? He said only as he cant bear to be hated and she hates him, but no, he doesnt want to be friends with her because he wants to draw a line under it and relegate it to the past and because it wouldnt be right and because of respect for me. Lastly, he did finally admit they had nothing in common in the end, apart from work! So, I am also lucky to have NO ongoing ow problems or fear of their R reigniting.
He said a funny thing. He said he knew it was over when she upset him by referring to The Smiths as "the smith-ees"! He was being a little flippant, but there was some truth in that, they werent suited. I did good DBing by keeping those connections between us, musically. Poor Helen, she didnt stand a chance!
BMF W talked to me again last night about the time her H snogged her BFF. 5 years ago, just a snog, but a big betrayal. It is still bothering her and is an issue in their M. I said she should work on her forgiveness of exBFF and H. It made me realise just what I have done and had to cope with. Her H of 10 years never left her and it was just a snog (and then some texts/emails).. my bf of 10 years DID leave me, wouldnt tell me where he lived, was gone 18 months and dated someone else for 8 months and I have let it go, more than she has and forgiven him completely. It made me realise what a huge deal it is and how far we have come already in just 3 months. She said my bf is the lucky one, to have another chance, that I took him back.
I think (reading Kalnis posts too) that when the penny drops with these men.. its like OMG, what did I do?! And then the remorse and just wanting to never have anything to do with the ow ever again. Its like they get blindsided and possessed and are NOT themselves. Our problems started May 2006 too, so it was 3 YEARS in all and he is only now coming out the other side of it and feeling happy once again.
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Yes, Ali, you are one of the really lucky ones as far as the relationship goes. But I count myself as lucky too. It has been three years of He77 for me but I have come out the other side so much better!
I hope that you are celebrating "you". That you keep doing the work now and for all of it from before. All of that struggling got you both to a point where you could come together again. I am so happy for you both!!
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Hey Kat, nice to see you ! I am glad you are doing ok too.
I agree with you, this has been a journey for me as well as rekindling my R and I have definetly changed!! Everyone has noticed, bf too of course. I have learnt so much and I hope, changed for the better. I wouldnt want to go back to the person I was before and I am much happier, freer, braver and less neurotic now. I thanked him for that. I was carrying alot of stuff from age 17/18 and its finally laid to rest, thanks to him leaving me and having to face myself. So yes, the changes stuck, as I actually changed.
But, in terms of this forum, I feel lucky that I am piecing and I dont take it for granted, whether that has anything to do with DBing, I am not so sure. Looking at the numbers of people who posted to me, I reckon the odds on getting the R back is about 1 in 20, 5% at best. That may well be the average law of nature anyway, dbing or not dbing, for those that still love their ex's, if you see what I mean. So I think my ex may have come back, no matter what I did really, although the changes I made perhaps helped the process.
So, you've made me think.. I am going to ask him that question!! It would be interesting to see how much of the db techniques he picked up on and how it affected his decision.. I will report back !
It would be interesting to know what he says that he noticed and caused him to really want to come back.
If I was a betting man, I'd say that your showing him you can and will live w/out him and that you have your own life outside of him was the main reason.
Dia - Glad that my thread helped a little. I havent checked your thread, but good luck. Mish - Thanks for your kind words, how are you doing? I must find your thread later now I have more time, I have spent the last month moving house and starting two new jobs, ridiculous! Michelle.. yes, who'd have thought it hey? I guess we nearly got back together last summer, then there was Helen and luckily for me, she wasnt that great a gf! Or as BF said.. she wasnt you. Addie - Its tricky, I have this urge to talk talk talk.. but he can only handle little bits now and then, so I have to bite my tongue, or just trust that the conversations will happen, or sometimes, the moment passes and it didnt need to be said afterall... Julia, T, Lisa...girls, thankyou for your kind words, your smiles and jigs!! Where would I have been last September, when I found out about Helen and you were all there for me?? Ditto Andabelle, Kat and Dawn!
Rob.. thanks for keeping up with me, I dont know if you still have a thread? I guess you have a gf now, good for you! I'm not surprised, good looking hunk like you I am curious as to what DB techniques he picked up on, I havent had a chance to ask him yet.. but I really want to (without being too obvious about it!). Who knows, probably he didnt notice at all! Although, he did say he could see I had changed.
I asked him if he felt G and Cher had helped us, to get back together? Initially he said he didnt think so (thought it was inevitable) but when I said I did and how they kept us both informed and passed on valuable info and got us out on nights out.. he changed his mind and said he realised G had helped alot in fact, as G told him I was still single, talked about him alot and my GAL. I always said that the wider circle of friends were quite key in my sitch in keeping connections between us, my hope alive and him informed of my GAL, which got him interested and worried about me meeting someone else!
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I am seeing someone now and it is going good thus far (only 4 months in) but I'm liking it. Well see, but it is nice to have someone who is honest and open as well as someone who likes me for me.
As for your BF, I think it is amazing that he was so miserable in his R w/Helen and I too think it is great that he wants absolutely nothing to do w/her. I've never been in shoes like his, but from what you posted on Kalni's thread along w/what you've told us here, he seemed to be fortunate to pull himself out before it got too late to do so.
As for holding your tongue -- good job doing it and KEEP IT UP! Your answers WILL come. Your intuition is very correct on this one, so trust it and keep waiting for BF to open up to you...he's been doing this already, so keep it up.
I'd like to know what he'll say, but I think it will be your life w/out him for sure, but I also really feel it will deal something w/your confidence (or at least how you seemed confident w/him not around).
I think that is the real key behind DBing as you are correct, there are many of us who won't get that 2nd chance. However, if they told us that, we wouldn't be buying the books and honestly, that book is one of the best things that has happened to me.
The DB book didn't help me save my marriage. I thought it would and could, but didn't. Instead it gave me something much, much greater. It gave me confidence in myself and allowed me to work to create a healthier and happier me.
So, I think that while many of us won't be able to get to the level you have w/BF and while I do think you are one of the fortunate among us, we all instead will continue to benefit from the same exact thing - growth, change, and a renewed feeling of self, self-worth, and a complete understanding that not only can we survive a painful D, but we will survive and thrive as well.
I'm starting to figure out that confidence is indeed very sexy and very attractive.
Ali, I am a lurker who has recently come "out of the shadows" on this board. I have been following your situation closely since December 2008 and want to tell you how very happy I am for you and BF to have reunited! Your blog has consistently provided interesting discussions of various topics and given much food for thought. Thank you VERY, VERY much to everyone who has contributed to these conversations, and especially to you, Ali, for hosting these discussions!
Your descriptions of your BF remind me a lot of my H, so I have begun reading your entire thread from the very beginning to glean new perspectives on the dynamics of relationships with WASs. I am very curious about what BF says were the primary factors that led him back to you and look forward to the insights that you can provide when the time is right to broach this topic with BF. Thank you so much for sharing!
I am curious as to what DB techniques he picked up on, I havent had a chance to ask him yet.. but I really want to (without being too obvious about it!). Who knows, probably he didnt notice at all! Although, he did say he could see I had changed.