Please give me your comments. Wife came home one day early from this weekend with other man. Said she missed us - daughters, but used the word miss you on the phone message. When I asked why she said other man's father "took a turn for the worse" he has cancer and wasn't to live more than a week or two. I'm thinking if that were the truth I would think she would want to spend more not less time with him? Then she said she would play it be ear because sometimes people rally and last another 2 weeks. So then she is being super nice to me. Whereas before she didn't want to eat with me she make me a favorite meal, favorite beer, sits and eats with me. Conversation about work and kids, smiles with direct eye contact. Then she tells me her sister here is also having problems with her husband and they are in counseling. I say "well at least they are working together on their marriage." Wife says - not necessarily if the sister's husband doesn't go back to counseling. I say "well I meant they are not where we are." Wife knows that I mean she has said all along she wants a divorce and is only agreed to a 90 day in house separation, but says she intends to pursue her affair and even if that doesn't work out other relationships too as part of her journey. They wife says, "Yes I see very slim hope for us." I say "I know what you think and I respect it, but I'm going to work on myself and correcting my problems regardless." Wife smiles warmly and says, "good."
Folks part of me says she is just buttering me up to get through the 90 days and then files for divorce, but another part of me from Divorce Remedy sees this as a positive relationship friendship building and I'm thinking of the case I read where the husband remained an unconditional friend to his wife who even moved out and she pursued another relationship for 4 months, but by his employing divorce busting techniques within 8 months she agreed to date husband, moved back in and they fell in love and are happy.
You are getting worked. Plan for the worst and hope for the best. What is your strategy here? All she has to do is play nicey nice and bide her time. Is this acceptable to you? She already has her exit strategy.
How can you be sure. Isn't there a possibility that now that her affair is out in the open, she feels guilt, and other man from LA might not be willing to take her on full time?
My plan would be to be lovingly detached, build friendship and give her affair time to self-destruct, but if she moves out my boundary could be - then you don't take any community property, i.e. I don't agree with this and I'm not going to finance it. If you leave then you have to finance furniture, dishes, etc. and you have no more rights to come and go from our house - change locks, etc. If she files for divorce I would contest it.
It just seems hard to me to want to build a friendship with someone who is violating the deepest levels of intimacy, causing you unimaginable pain through the psychological torture of gaslighting, and then who isn't thinking about you at all.
Otherwise, it sounds fine. I'd probably say "stop the affair or get out" but she will probably call you on it.
Maybe where I screwed up is not having the anger reaction... or maybe that is why W goes crazier and crazier because she wants me to blow up.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
How can you be sure. Isn't there a possibility that now that her affair is out in the open, she feels guilt, and other man from LA might not be willing to take her on full time?
If she were at all worried about being exposed she would not have gone away to begin with.
Originally Posted By: jamesb6402
My plan would be to be lovingly detached, build friendship and give her affair time to self-destruct, but if she moves out my boundary could be - then you don't take any community property, i.e. I don't agree with this and I'm not going to finance it. If you leave then you have to finance furniture, dishes, etc. and you have no more rights to come and go from our house - change locks, etc. If she files for divorce I would contest it.
Thoughts on this?
Sounds good on paper but in reality she can drain your bank account, run up credit jointly and empty your house. All before you even think about protecting yourself. Don't let fear hold you down. Don't fear losing her as that has already happened given what you wrote. You need to get her out of your comfort zone. She has reversed the heat on you. She has you scrambling. Why?
I'm just going by what I have read in Divorce Remedy. I have verified there is no draining of accounts. Again the case studies I have read in the book say loving detachment and ramp up with boundaries as needed otherwise I would simply file for divorce myself right now. Right? If I start litigating, then what chance do I have for any reconciliation? She will get legal too, and then there's no point. Right?
I'm just going by what I have read in Divorce Remedy.
DR is great as a framework but do yourself a favor and do not take it as gospel.
Originally Posted By: jamesb6402
I have verified there is no draining of accounts. Again the case studies I have read in the book say loving detachment and ramp up with boundaries as needed otherwise I would simply file for divorce myself right now. Right?
Don't confuse loving detachment with being a doormat.
Originally Posted By: jamesb6402
If I start litigating, then what chance do I have for any reconciliation? She will get legal too, and then there's no point. Right?
I'm not saying litigate. Your goal should be to make her agonize over reconciling with you rather than the opposite.
What I say may not be popular or nice at times. Take it in or dismiss it but I ask you to see things from all angles. Step outside of yourself if at all possible and think about things without emotion. I am so far out of the tunnel that I can't commiserate as some can. Keep thinking.
Most of all, take care of yourself, for yourself. Walk away spouses can smell the fear/desperation in us and can tell when we are running on the hamster wheel (getting a life) just to win them back. So, do take care of yourself -- it's a form of self-respect that, as a side benefit, elicits respect from others. It's a fine line to walk.
Your wife is just beginning her emotional roller-coaster. She can be in the romantic fog for quite some time. There is a potent cocktail of endorphins, dopamine and adrenaline going through her body right now that are shutting her off to you and making the OM look irresistible. With some people it can take 6-18 months to wear off. Statistically, it will most likely wear off. Statistically, most affairs fail to end up in a successful relationship. So time is on your side. But.... given your current strategy, prepare for a marathon emotionally. You will need to outlast her. The only danger is that long term affairs can wear you out, and leave such a bitter taste that the faithful spouse ends up being the one wanting to end the marriage. The old proverb, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" is often true when dealing with an affair.
Puppy Dog Tails can give you some strategies to help accelerate the process if you grow weary of waiting. And remember -- even Michelle and DR speak about The Last Resort Technique, After the Last Resort Technique and Ultimatums.
You might want to check online the Lost Love Project. It's about a psychologist who did research on people who re-ignite old romances. Whe re-connecting with a lost love, people often feel young and vibrant again. They see in the lost love their own lost youth and think that by being with them they can regain it. The information is not terribly encouraging. They even have forums -- but you have to pay to use them. Some of the forums are on how to cope with spouses running off with lost loves, and some, believe it or not, are about people asking for advice on how to break up marriages so they can steal their lost love away from their spouses. Yes, there is a "homewrecker" thread in there. In other words, Michelle's statistics are true, but the reconnection of an "old flame" tends to increase the success rate of these affairs.
I suggest you see a lawyer, not to file, but to get a clear understanding of what are your rights and to help you in not making foolish mistakes that can jeapordize your rights with your children or property. You might want to pay the lawyer in cash not to tip off your wife.
One bit of advice -- DO NOT MOVE OUT. Legally it makes it look like you abandoned the family and you might lose out on rights with your kids.
Best of luck to you. You are fighting the good fight. Be strong. Re-connect with your male strength -- it'll make you feel better about yourself, and, as a bonus, it makes you more attractive.
Wife knows that I mean she has said all along she wants a divorce and is only agreed to a 90 day in house separation, but says she intends to pursue her affair and even if that doesn't work out other relationships too as part of her journey. They wife says, "Yes I see very slim hope for us." I say "I know what you think and I respect it . . .
You RESPECTher adultery??? Why?
Validation is one thing ("I can understand why this would feel right to you ..."), but telling her you RESPECT her cheating on you is just nauseating, I'm sorry.
