Did you call her after you started drinking -- or go over by her or what?
I called her to tell her the van is in my name and I wasn't sure I wanted to get rid of it. From there she gave me a tiraid of yelling, crying, cussing me out, etc etc etc. I got mad and we responded back and forth through the night.
I did not reflect a stander last night and I am completely ashamed of myself. I completely threw everything out last night. I have no pride in myself. I am completely broken today.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I get D7 tomorrow. D11 won't be back from Florida until Saturday.
I don't feel like being around people today. You have no idea how embarrased and ashamed of myself I am.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I haven't been drinking today nor will I. I don't know who I could talk to. Its not like anyone would have any faith in me at this point. I feel like in relapsing I blew every ones trust. So why should anyone talk to me?
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Take a good, long look in the mirror and then forgive yourself, Kevin. That DOES NOT mean that you excuse the drinking or what you said or how you reacted in kind to her anger. Forgive yourself and begin again. The best part of sinking to your lowest level is that you have nowhere else to go, but up.
You have internet access; go online and get a list of AA meetings. I know for a fact that they are held every day in various locations. Do it now and go to the next available meeting. If you aren't comfortable then you go to the next one on your list.
You have to take responsibility here, Kev. Noone did this to you. You did this to you.
People do what works, Kevin. Wether you acknowledge it right now or not, people continue actions because they come with a payoff. It sounds sick in many cases, and I'm sure you can't possible comprehend that you got a payoff for any of last night's behavior.
You drank to relieve yourself of pain, and maybe to give you a little more courage to confront your w. It feels good to get that little buzz, and the other things were a bonus.
And, as awful as what you said to her was, you got to strike back at her. You got to tell her "what for." You got to tell her that heck no was she getting that car. You got to express your opinion and make her hurt the way you hurt.
Ok. All done. Start fresh and do it this minute.
It is worth getting up and starting fresh. Use the humiliated feeling to motivate yourself. Not because she will stop the D or come back to you Kev, but because nobody in the world should sink this low or feel this bad.
Do not "use" your faith Kevin; live it. Jesus forgives each and every one of us. We as humans have free will. He doesn't want you to drink, or fight with your W, or see you do anything bad, but he gave you free will. He wants to help, but you have to choose to get the help.
It is now, at your lowest, that he is the strongest. You have to get up and do this again.
You do know that your W and you are at Square 1 again. I can understand the anguish you feel. You burned yourself on the hot stove willing, Kevin. You have to stop touching the hot stove. Your scars will heal, even from this pain.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I feel like I have very little value right now as a person, none as a husband, and some as a father.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I haven't been drinking today nor will I. I don't know who I could talk to. Its not like anyone would have any faith in me at this point. I feel like in relapsing I blew every ones trust. So why should anyone talk to me?
Kevin
Talk to you soon.
Last edited by The Wifey; 08/09/0908:39 PM.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Thanks. I have been looking at locations of AA today. I am trying to find a meeting to go to.
I am definitely at my lowest right now and I am definitely back to square one with W.
I don't feel like she will ever have faith in me now.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
