K4D Rising #4

[mulesqb]

Kevin-that conversation is a disaster.Look at the way you handled it. Pretend you were on someone else's thread. Bro, you are pushing her farther and farther away. In Siberia.

Mules

[Sara]

Mules is right. Don't argue with her over her car purchase. She's a big girl, and now is the time to trade in old cars for new ones. You can't buy a used car with the Cash for Clunkers money.If she misses this opportunity, a car will cost her more later. And then it will be your fault.

[K4D]

I just don't want to be financially linked to any big purchases she makes right now. I am not sure how the marriage laws work in Texas regarding her getting a new vehicle loan while married to me. What happens if she loses her job? Can the bank come after me for that loan? Does it affect my credit also? She knows her job is ending in December.

Kevin

[K4D]

I guess when she comes to ask me for money or to sign over the title to the van I can say this is talking about the kids so I am not discussing it.

Kevin

[Sara]

I just don't want to be financially linked to any big purchases she makes right now. I am not sure how the marriage laws work in Texas regarding her getting a new vehicle loan while married to me. What happens if she loses her job? Can the bank come after me for that loan? Does it affect my credit also? She knows her job is ending in December.

That's a whole different reason for being against the purchase. Why didn't you tell her that one?

[K4D]

I was trying to minimize potential future financial issues but at the same time, still help her get something that can work for her.

She called me again on her way over to drop off D7 with me for the night. She again started talking about her car day and riding in vehicles and what she wants to do. I didn't offer any opinions. I just said ok.

Then she got to my apartment and started talking about it again. Again, I offered no opinions. I just listened.

Then I looked at her and said later. I started to walk off. She then asked me as I was walking off what time she could expect D7 back over tomorrow. I said dunno. Then I said we will talk about it later as I walked out and into D7's room to say hi to her. W just stood there as I walked by her. Then I heard her leave. I came back out into the living room at that point. W was done up looking good for her night out. I sat down and just thought for a few minutes. I thought what does it take to turn this M around. Please don't answer that as I already know what the answer would be and I can't argue with it.

Maybe I should have answered her at that point. But I just didn't want to talk to her. I guess I was some what pissed at her for this continous garbage of how she is acting. I'm sure I came off as a jerk. That bothers me even more.

If she doesn't want my opinion on her vehicle choices, why does she keep talking to me about them? I am so tired of the coldness from her except for when it is convenient for her to not be. I guess I just showed some coldness back to her tonight. Probably not a great DBing move on my part.

I guess I will text her later and let her know when I will be bringing D7 back tomorrow since I am basically babysitting tonight for W so she doesn't have to pay for one. I agreed to it so I am not complaining as I love spending time with both of my daughters.

I am trying to figure out emotionally how to detach yet still love her and pray for her and out M restoration.

Kevin

[K4D]

I texted W and told her I would drop off D7 about 1pm tomorrow after church. She said ok and thanks.

Kevin

[antlers]

I am trying to figure out emotionally how to detach yet still love her and pray for her and our M restoration.

Kevin

It doesn't take effort so much as it does discipline. It is within your power, given patience and time...and discipline, to detatch. Detatching doesn't mean you stop loving them. You can still ask God to guide her with discernment and wisdom...and ask him to let the Holy Spirit move within her. And ask the same things of God for yourself too! Let her go. In your mind and soul, let her go. It's a decision. It's convincing yourself that you have no control over anybody other than yourself.

Just do it. Others do...eventually, and you will too...eventually. But, you gotta want to!

[CityGirl]

Why on Earth are you still sitting there wondering what it will take to restore this marriage? I honestly dont know what else to say to you. Your marriage is over. Done. There is nothing to restore. At this time your W is NOT interested in rebuilding with you yet you sit there and waste your time and energy wondering how to restore something that is long gone. Again, taking away from restoring YOU.

I would like you to remember how frustrated and invalidated you felt about 2 months ago when your W did not approve of your apartment choice and was very vocal about it. You felt she was not respecting your choices about where to live and how to spend your money. And what happened today? You did the SAME thing to your W about the vehicle. You invalidated her choices and offered her no support. You again tried to control things with HER car just as your W did with YOUR apartment hunt. It didnt feel good when she did that to you and I am sure it didnt feel good to her today.

The two of you need to stop this power struggle. Its unhealthy for you and for your children.

If you are concerned about finances and major purchases it is very simple to have a document drawn up and notarized during this time of limbo that spells out exactly who will be responsible for what.

Restoration and detachement, at the stage you are stuck in, do not go hand in hand.

[K4D]

You got that right. We had a major blow out fight tonight. Nothing left unsaid when I wouldn't sign over the title. I will explain later.

It was a huge huge fight, the biggest we have had yet. Was not good. But I stood my ground. She really really hates me. Whatever. I will not compromise any longer. She even started the threats again.

Kevin