Finding it impossible to get my former login name & posts back after a friend "helped" me clean out my computer, I'm back with a new alias.
In short, I spent over two yrs faux dating, using my new found R skills & basically getting on & off the merry-go-round while my H kept his affair going steadily.
We are now 6 wks away from a D date & full swing into negotiations both w/financial & Child visitation.
About 3 weeks ago he asked if I'd be interested in counseling, after finding out that while we're still pro per, I have a hard hitting attorney backing me & ready to go.
Last week, I had meeting w/ attorney where I found out just how deep H is going to have to go to call it a day.
Add to that the fact that I met someone beyond H's expectations (gotta watch those, both ways)the day after I decided to let go.
So, I laid it all out for H & got another attempt @ "Maybe be should just forget this whole thing."
I do believe he's still with OW (3 yrs) & she of course doesn't know of his attempts.
Quote:
As I told you... When you showed her you let go and when you showed her that there may be someone else in the picture that could possibly pull you away from her... Is when the tide began to turn....@Gucci loafer
The tide has turned, I just don't know if I want to stop the train. So far I haven't answered any of his attempts, except with "It's too late." Don't know if he believes me. Don't know if I believe me.
I was here yrs ago when my m was failing. exh had ow. After his r with ow ended, he finally looked at the wreck he had created and woke up. He was deeply remorseful, regretted what he'd put me thru, missed me & dd terribly. Wanted reconciliation... AFTER the D. I thought I would have given limbs for this chance But handed the opportunity, I surprised myself and declined. We all have a point of no return. I could not go back. I did explore the possibility a bit b4 realizing I just didn't have it in me to begin the process, I'd lost the desire to do the work. I admire & respect people here who DB & don't lose faith even after years. But I guess I don't have that much patience in the end. It seems you may be there. ? Only you know. If you're considering it, he needs to know it's your way or no way. After what he's put you & the m thru. Ow is out of picture for good or it's off the table, don't you agree? I shouldn't encourage or advise you toward any decision since I don't know your situation. Just commenting on the sense I have about your post. Tell us more. Do you love him? Do you think he's making a cognitive decsion to return to m?
It's taken a long time to get where you are, to have this momentum and frame of mind.
Actions speak louder than words. If he's sincere, state your boundaries and deal breakers, expectations. Promise only what you can which might not be more than "you can try but I can't guarantee anything".
Being honest with yourself in a relationship is crucial. Ask yourself what you want. If you have a smidge of doubt about divorcing him, consider putting forth your requirements for you to even consider friendship with him. If he's unwilling to meet them, you have your answer. If he does, then he's working on being a friend. He earns the right to be trusted, as you continue living your life.
This may be a tough proposal for your new guy. But being true to yourself.. the sunny you within.. is at the core of all you do. Take time away from their voices, walk, talk to trusted friends, counselors, clergy.. etc.. and decide what is best for you, best for your children.
@rinserepeat-thanks for the recap on your experience & comments. It seems to be an all too common pattern w/WAS's when they sense you're serious about moving on happily w/out them. Too bad the LBS is sometimes not able to get to this point until it's @ a point of no return.
Mine was a hard nut to crack, so to speak, & no amount of pretending to move on that wasn't entirely real was going to get him to budge. Part of that is prolly due to his making boatloads of $ & believing I couldn't/wouldn't leave that, find someone as handsome as him, or give up on having an intact family.
He may have calculated himself right out of a marriage & into paying heavily to support us in the family home w/him watching from the sidelines.
Moral of the story, drop that stink'n rope sooner rather than later.
On Sunday, when I was laying out what is going to happen if we don't come together on an acceptable (to me)agreement financially, he started with the WAS script talk; "I regret everything I have done & the way I have done it, but, you didn't give me an honorable way back in b/c you kept coming to my house."
I went to his place 2 times in 2 1/2 yrs for a total of maybe 10 minutes. Still not ready to get rid of the "but" & take responsibility.
Hey Ms. Gypsy, couldn't type that w/out thinking of the letter you received with the passive/aggressive crossed out Mrs.
I'm afraid to give him any opening, even on a friendship basis, until he gets back to me w/counter proposal.
So, he freely admits that the price he's going to have to pay has something to do w/his desire to stop the D. Along w/the fact that he still loves me, blah, blah, blah. If he had it to do over again, he would never have done the dishonorable thing he's done.
I'm going to have a couple of weeks to sit on it, as he just dropped off S6, & leaves for another extreme sport competition in the morning. He was as friendly as is possible, making it difficult not to respond in kind.
And that's the hard part, we have always enjoyed each other, and then I think of how that wasn't enough to keep him from choosing OW & leaving.
You would think that new guy had a good amt of experience with DB'ing, because he sure is clued in on how to make the best of time together in every way. He has given me a heads up that if I add anyone else into our R, it's a deal breaker for him.
I did ask H b/f he left this morning if he had completed the new offer. "Ah, no, it's not likely, it's a lot to think about & I do have a lot of work today."
Looks like a way of putting my attorney off for the time being.
On second thought, I'd go with Kalni's suggestion! Why keep sticking a fork in you to see if you're done (even when well meaning folks (gulp) suggest it?
I'm going to continue seeing new guy & enjoying his company at the same time admitting I can fully understand what happens when someone is added to the mix. It definitely muddies up the water for any thought of R the M.
Although I personally find Dr. Laura hard to take, she hits the nail on the head regarding infidelity & the mess it creates in it's wake;
"If it isn't a lover who won't let go, then it's a pregnancy, attempted suicide, extortion, sexually transmitted disease, public humiliation for your spouse & children, disruption of generations of family ties, legal & financial battles, demoralization of your children & the loss of their foundation of safety, trust, & respect for you & for marriage. It's dirty, face it."
I can see the realization in my H, whose hair is now turning grey @ a rapid pace, that he failed to grasp what his choices would entail.
I do appreciate your thoughts Gypsy, as I appreciate all responses here. I'm able to process & come to my own choices on how to proceed, it's one of my strong points.
I have learned not to do anything quickly, most everything benefits from allowing time & consideration.
H left a vm b/f leaving town that he was really working hard to do discovery(?) & get back to me w/an another offer, but it's not going to happen until prolly a week after he returns in 2 weeks.
I stuck to the "new" guy when my exh attempted to reconcile. Now i'm on the boards over the new guy! LOL. Life is funny. No regrets whatsoever tho. I was confused for a minute, but after all exh put me through, I preferred the unknown to the potential for more of his bad choices. Oh only 1 regret, I was all too willing to take nothing in the d, thought it wouldn't matter cuz we would get back together soon enough anyway. He walked away nearly free. Looks like you're doing a better job of looking out for yourself than I did. You're so right about the myriad of consequences that result from some poor decisions. Time & thoughtful consideration is a great approach to most everything, esp. these situations. I like the expression, Time tells All Things. Seems you have a few wks of waiting time before the next move. Good luck
Discovery refers to the written request your lawyer sends out for the other party to answer truthfully usually revolving around spending and financial assets/liabilities. It can be a basic financial affidavit or require exhaustive information going back five years in hard copy. The parties are given about a month or so to compile the data.
Sorry I didn't express that well, the question mark was actually referring to him doing his own discovery regarding our financial lives together, & using that to determine if the amt. I'm requesting hits the mark.
In other words, it's yet more #'s from him to me that won't be submitted legally. My attorney has had some pretty good laughs at some that he's given me so far. (25% of 25% & 50% of 50% for community property.) I've already expressed to him that he will be required to submit to the courts if we don't reach an agreement beforehand, I just want the bottom line right now.
We will be going to court re;child visitation, as he would now like to have S6 enough for him to qualify as head of household filing status for tax purposes. He actually put that in writing to me...further proof there was an abduction <;)
Unfortunately for him, I documented every hour he spent with his son since 4/23/07 & every trip taken since that time, & it isn't pretty. Although I know they don't care legally that he took OW on many of those trips, I included them in my documentation that I submit anyway.
Going to the beach for play dates & enjoy this incredible day.
