And re: saying her name - He hugged me as part of an apology for taking about her thoughtlessly in front of me. He didn't call me by her name or say it while he was hugging me.
I am sure glad to hear that! And....you most certainly are NOT a slow learner....are you kidding? But, as we've said before, it is hard to see ourselves in our own stitch and often takes someone on the outside to point something out. Besides, that is just my POV. Others may not see that at all.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If you're the one who's had the EA, you're supposed to be loving, caring, reassuring, fill your spouse's love buckets, apologize, show remorse, be affectionate, etc. (i.e. - pursue)
But if you're the LBS, you're supposed to detach, GAL, NOT pursue.
I'm both.
So what the heck do I do - those things are diametrically opposed? If it's Monday, I must be in Paris?
And to make it even harder, the LL stuff was working!! And it's next to impossible to know from moment to moment whether I'm supposed to be LLing or detaching and GALing? He kinda flips on a dime that way and I'm not always certain of the triggers.
Last edited by Dia; 08/04/0903:44 AM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Yes, over the weekend, when I gave him praise, compliments, smiles and two origami notes, he got all melty and positively glowed. One of the notes was even romantic and that's the one that got the biggest response.
???
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
The hardest thing for you will be to wait on him. Your temptation will be your great “need” for his closeness.
I will tell you this and hope it will be encouraging. There was a young man who was on the board here and his stitch looked very bad. However, he kept applying the DB techniques and his M was saved. (I suppose I felt blessed for investing some time with his stitch an d seeing a great outcome.) He left the board a happy H and a new daddy! His stitch proved that the DB principles will work in saving a M, but it does take a lot of patient and “time”. Don’t give up b/c I believe in time that your H will draw near to you. Every time he sees you (even just for a minute) he will see the girl he fell in love with and be reminded of how much he misses you. You can let him see that girl he fell in love with by working toward being “her” again.
Sandi - SO good to see you back and in the groove.
Dia, payback time - patience, faith. You're doing great.
Yes, over the weekend, when I gave him praise, compliments, smiles and two origami notes, he got all melty and positively glowed. One of the notes was even romantic and that's the one that got the biggest response.
Oh, okay.....I see what you are saying now. But this seems to be more like words of affirmation for him rather than physical affection. I remember us talking about that in the beginning of your thread. So, is that his LL? And, the physical affection is "your" LL? I have thought about what you said last night and your feelings as the WAS and your H as the LBS. It is very difficult to always know the “right” way when people have opposite natures in how they handle situations. For me, I always say to stick with what works. If your H responds when you give him words of affirmation, then that is the road to take. As the LBS, his self-esteem has been crushed and his male ego has taken a beating. Your esteem hasn’t exactly been built up either! However, in reading your posts, I get the feeling that you are past that part and are ready to forgive and move forward…..hopefully with your H. I admire how you wrote about working through the pain and found that you still loved him.
It seems that as long as you can stay away from any words that hint at being a “family” again that you are doing the best thing in what you are practicing. To me, it would be something I would want to exercise caution in not coming on to him too strongly…..but again, that is my nature and you probably can be very natural and easy with how you talk to him. Wish I could be more that way! Perhaps you could teach me how to say things to your H without sounding too…”yuck”….(lol).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I thought of one more thing I meant to say. In response to what you said about being the WAS and showing your regret to your H, etc. I believe that you expressed everything in your letter to him and that you shouldn't have to continue to state your remorse and continue to apologize to him. To me, there comes a point of doing it too much and the LBS would begin to lose a certain amount of respect b/c they would see the WAS being pathetic. Even as a WAS, I feel that it is very important to maintain dignity and self-respect. Yes, we can feel great remorse for what we did, but I don't think that it requires us to continually assure the WAS how repentant we are. (Since you are not in the house with him, it would appear that you were doing that a lot.....IMHO.) So I don't think you should feel that you should have to coninue to do that. I am a firm believer in not placing ourselves (if a WAS or a LBS) as any sort of doormat position in the R b/c that loses respect from the other spouse.
I think what I was trying to say in my post last night was that I hope since the physical affection is your LL and you have expressed how much you miss and need him (which is fine to do that here), it may be your undoing if you show “neediness” to him. Perhaps you are just doing that here on the board and that’s fine b/c it’s what the board is for. Better to do that here, right? I was concerned in the beginning that you were being too eager in giving him praises, but you know this man better than anyone else, so you need to use your best judgment in these matters. And, for some reason, I thought the two of you were still under the dame roof in the beginning of your thread. My bad.
I agree with everyone else that you are doing great. I think I am kind of like a “mamma” to a lot of people here…wanting to warn my children to be careful. That last statement is meeant to be one of endearment and not a slap in the face.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
BTW Mac, thanks for your encouragement. You are a sweetie! You are one of these rare people who seem to see the positive in each new day. I hope you never lose that!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Dear GOD, where's the coffee? I'm up an hour early b/c I have an appt. with a DB Coach this morning. When the going gets tough, the tough call in more firepower.
Thanks, Mac n Sandi. I'll post more when it's over.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
Mac, thanks for your encouragement. You are a sweetie! You are one of these rare people who seem to see the positive in each new day. I hope you never lose that!
You have my promise on that Sandi. Remember - together we are stronger.
How the heck do I get that tattooed in reverse on my W's forehead?
And the quote just proves that you are busy elsewhere otherwise I think you would be paddling my butt
Dear DEAR dia - you really know your beans. Coffee and coaching at the same time.
I am sure glad to hear that! And....you most certainly are NOT a slow learner....are you kidding? But, as we've said before, it is hard to see ourselves in our own stitch and often takes someone on the outside to point something out. Besides, that is just my POV. Others may not see that at all.
