A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

FWIW, I'm also expecting a call for an interview with the biggest local non-profit up north. The Universe will do what it will and I'll go along for the ride.

(Which is my way of saying it's all God's plan and I have to just go with it.)

[Dia]

Venting...

How in the name of Pete can he be blasting the hell out of me for things I did wrong, stuff I did that hurt him while denying everything he did that was friggen identical that was equally wrong and hurt me? If it was wrong for me to do it (EA), then it was wrong for him to do it, too.

/end of vent

Yeah, I know, it's the pain talking. Duck's back. And no, I am not firing back or pointing out the whole pot/kettle thing.

I have a phone session with a DB coach tomorrow. Can't hurt and what do I have to lose (besides money)?

Edit: Ok - I have had absolutely enough of this today. I'm headed out to do stuff aimed at getting my life in order.

Cheers,

Dia

[Coach]

Dia, For starters you have to be prepared for some pushback after you get a little close. You just came off a pretty enjoyable weekend. Now to keep the WAS/LBS equilibrium intact we wobble back to the angry, blaming and hurting side. Don't rush in to fill that space with I'm sorry's and divorce isn't the answer. What do you think he is pushing you away now?
Is the move to be nearer to your H better for you?

Cheers

[Dia]

Hi, Coach,

The move is better for me on every angle except immediate financial. I like the area (leaving H aside), there are good long-term job prospects, kidlet likes it there, it will make shared custody easier, etc. Downside is cost of housing, pure and simple. With no job in hand, it looks like short term financial suicide.

If I stay down south, the cost of living is half what it is up there, but the job prospects are abysmal.

He is pushing me away now (he says) because he was so hurt that I asked him to make changes and he did (again, so he says) but I left anyway.

Truth is, I didn't leave because I wasn't happy with the changes. I left because while I was defending him to other people that he'd never have an affair, he was inviting my best friend back to our house to have a wild weekend in our bed. I had decided to tell him that I was ready to recommit 100% when I discovered the affair. He said he'd been in an R with her for a few months and was going to contiue it. His parents own the house we lived in, so if there was leaving it had to be me.

Should I have stayed? Well, yeah, but that ship has already sailed.

Edit: ok - so this is the pushback?? Wow, it's a whole lot bigger than I thought it would be. I expected withdrawal, not an anger blow. So this is actually good? The intensity indicates the intensity of positive feelings, too?

[kara]

Dia

You won't lose money with your phone coaching. It is expensive but really helpful for YOU first and formeost and then for your M.

[Dia]

And here's the scoop on the changes:

I asked for:

1) Stop drinking and deal with stuff underlying the alcohol issue.

2) More housework.

3) Spend more time with me and kidlet. We're feeling utterly neglected and unwanted.

I got:

1) He stopped drinking, but with poor grace and denial of an underlying problem. ("If I can stop drinking for a week, then I can't be an alcoholic.") I was and am currently satisfied with the state of the alcohol sitch. (Though if he'd read the Big Book, that line is in it word for word.)

2) He did more housework, though again, with poor grace. I was and am currently satisfied with the housework.

3) Not so much, but I was willing to work harder on this one given how hurt and scared we both were.

[Dia]

Ok, I'm headed out - for real this time, But how do I handle him in his hurt/anger phase?

[iwantittowork]

Dia, I have seen you giving some great advice on other people's sitch's in your posts. I have not had time to fully read yours, so hope I don't speak out of turn..

But how do I handle him in his hurt/anger phase?

I believe this requires a lot of the DB techniques, though I am sure more experienced db'ers will offer some insights.

I don't think this is something you can handle for him, other than how you react to it. He has to work through that himself.

You can offer him the kindness of space. Keeping your PMA for yourself. Understanding that he'll say things that just are not true, or maybe hurtful to you, but also some things that maybe are true, while he is hurt and angry and to let those not affect you, nor be a reflection of the good person you know you are.

Also, take some time for yourself, to reflect on how you are feeling, and to acknowledge those feelings, not try and suppress them to yourself, and then be able to accept them for what they are, without judging yourself for how you feel, and move past them.

Wishing you the best!

[sandi2]

He initiated a hug in the sitch where he said OW's name,

Huh???? What about this? He called the OW's name while he was giving you a hug? I kind of think that would void all those other "goals" that he was not so graciously doing!!

Dia, I really like you girl! I see you as being a real sweetheart here--and so many people on the board adore you. I see you as being bright, sharp, wise, and with much humor. Did I say smart? I have hesitated to say something to you b/c I like you so much and b/c I am going to sound like a very “bad guy” when I tell you this. I do not want to pull you down, but hope in telling you this it will give you a determination to guard against it and work to show your spunk in your R with your H. I probably did not say that in a very good way, but anyway here’s the thing…I am concerned that you may come across as being “needy” to your H. You seem so strong in everything else, but I think b/c your LL is physical affection that it may almost be your downfall in this respect. I have seen a common similarity in people whose LL is physical affection and it is rather amazing to me and I suppose that is b/c my LL is NOT physical affection. The people I know personally whose LL is physical affection all seem to have this same trait or quality, or something…..that I don’t know how to put into words. I wish I did. Nevertheless, I can see it in your writings. That is why I wonder if your H sees you as pursuing. I think a person whose LL is the same as yours can come across as almost smothering at times. Oh, this sounds awful and I do not mean to offend you at all, I hope you believe that. I just don’t know a good way to say this.

You truly seem to be such a loving person and I wished I was more like you. I really do! You see, I know myself well enough to know that if my H ever acted as if he did not want to be near me….that would probably be the last he ever saw or heard from me again! That is just the way I am….which is not to say it is a good way to be (not at all)! When I read some posts here from other women, I wonder if something is wrong with me. Do I not love as much as these other women? When I examine my heart I know that I do love as much as others, but we all have different traits about us. I say “traits” b/c I don’t know what word to use. I believe the reason I am the way I am is b/c of my mother’s influence in raising me….however, my sister is just like you….so go figure! (lol) I have watched my sister in amazement and wondered why on earth she put up with what she did in her H and why she did not kick him to the curb…but that is another story.

I will probably be sorry for sending this post b/c it is not sounding like I wished it would. But know that I meant is well. I hope in setting your goals that you will work toward not showing your H any more words of love or concern for him (at this time) b/c it truly does push a WAS further away. Your have told him how you feel and now you need to wait on him to make a move to discuss his feelings or to talk about the R. You do not need to do anything to try to “help” him in his pain. I see you as a person who wants to fix things (and that I can identify with) but you cannot fix him. The hardest thing for you will be to wait on him. Your temptation will be your great “need” for his closeness.

I will tell you this and hope it will be encouraging. There was a young man who was on the board here and his stitch looked very bad. However, he kept applying the DB techniques and his M was saved. (I suppose I felt blessed for investing some time with his stitch an d seeing a great outcome.) He left the board a happy H and a new daddy! His stitch proved that the DB principles will work in saving a M, but it does take a lot of patient and “time”. Don’t give up b/c I believe in time that your H will draw near to you. Every time he sees you (even just for a minute) he will see the girl he fell in love with and be reminded of how much he misses you. You can let him see that girl he fell in love with by working toward being “her” again. I think we lose that somewhere down the road and it’s rather hard to get it back….but not impossible. I can tell you that trying to remember how I was at 18 is a far cry from what I am today….(lol) and I doubt my H wants me to be totally like I was at 18, but the part he fell in love with is who he wants to see. Does that make sense? I hope so.

Anyway, that was what I wanted to tell you and I hope it doesn’t hurt too much. You are very intelligent and I feel that you know in your heart what you need to work on in this R. You can do it Dia….I know you can. You have so much to give and you are such a spirited person that it makes people feel good to be around you. I can tell that by reading what you have to say. I wish I had the qualities that you have! Your H knows he would be crazy to let somebody like you slip through his fingers! Just give him time to work this all out. You focus on you and your child and make a life for yourself, okay?

Take care,
Sandi

[Dia]

Hey, sandi - thank you, and no worries. Nothing you said landed funny. I appreciate the feedback and even if it looks like I'm a slow learner, I do take these things to heart and *try* to listen.

And re: saying her name - He hugged me as part of an apology for taking about her thoughtlessly in front of me. He didn't call me by her name or say it while he was hugging me.

Thank you for the kind words. I am going to read your post again and think on it.

Cheers,

Dia