A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Gardener]

Where's that red button from Staples?)

to convert one of her IAs to a PA with a 23 yr old, bisexual,Goth, cross-dressing unemployed artist.

Hi, Dia! I vote for no contact/no being in OW's presence!!!!! If Adam wonders why, tell him to ask her. Or ask H.

Wow. On second thought, I'll defer to the ladies (women? What's P.C.?) on this one.

Gardener, who's never used so many emoticons in one post

[mac-ct]

Dia,

Like Gardener said.

Mac

[Dia]

Foul, pissy mood this morning....

I thought I had an apartment lined up and the owner told me she wasn't going to show it on Sunday, so it would be available for me as soon as I got up to see it. We traded some great emails including pictures of our artwork. There was all this female bonding crap, stories about her god-daughter and grandaughter who live in the building, etc.

She emailed me about 6 am saying 'the perfect couple' had showed up yesterday and it was taken. So much for not showing it on Sunday.

*grumble, mutter, stomp, snort*

If the universe wants this to happen, it had better get its arse in gear!! I'm getting a cup of coffee and will work on channeling Dr. Pangloss...

...

... Because, after all, this is the best of all possible worlds!

[mac-ct]

The rotten two timing .....

Where the heck have I heard this before?

The roof probably leaked anyway.

Perfect match. Two drips and a leaky roof

Mac (is back - sort of)

[Dia]

All's fair in love and beach town rentals, I guess. I'll get over it, but this isn't the first rental smackdown I've received, either. I really loathe how when a place is represented by an agent, the agent is all sweetness and light and "Oh, this place would be so perfect for you!". So you look at the place, call back the next morning to put down a deposit and they treat you like offal on their shoe. "It's rented. *click*"

Just gives me one more name I *won't* be using if I ever have a house to rent or sell.

[Dia]

The Suck of Eternal Monday continues.

In the midst of some emails about apartments and health insurance, I got a huge dose of anger levelled at me from H talking about all of the bad memories from him trying to change 'to please me'.

I validated. I apologized. And I think I dropped the rope? I said I needed to rethink the move.

I did NOT do this out of hurt or spite, and I did NOT do it as a ploy to get him to cave. I have been job hunting all summer and the only thing that looks like a sure bet is temp work for $13 - 18/hour. That may sound like a lot to some of you, but I'm looking at $1600/month rent up there, and that's before utilities, gas, groceries, etc. To qualify for an apartment, you have to make at least double, sometimes triple the monthly rent. The hard reality is that I'll never qualify.

I'm going to go have a good cry, then try to get my head back in the game and GAL. I have moving crap to do today even if I'm not moving up north, someone is coming to pick up kidlet's fish tanks, I have banking to do, etc.

Dia, hopelessly

[Dia]

Here is what I wrote to him. I have a feeling I messed this up, too.
-------------------------------
I am sorry for the pain and the bad memories. I hear you, and I understand where you are. I know what that pain feels like and I wish neither one of us had to go through it.

Here's my thought - continuing the separation and finalizing the divorce doesn't make the pain go away. It sets it in stone and makes it permanent. We will never be able to change the fact that we got divorced and no matter what we do, it will *always* hurt. That pain is not good for you, for me, or for kidlet. This is not what I want. I want healing for both of us and I am 100% certain it's possible. I have let go of the pain I felt in the relationship. When I did, I found that I loved you just as deeply and completely as I had the day we married. I actually knew that before I left - the loving you part.

The changes you made were successful. When I left, it was not because I was looking for one more thing to blame you for. I had already decided that I wanted to recommit 100% to the relationship. It was in a moment of blinding pain and because I couldn't see any other solution based on things you had told me. I wish I had been stronger at that time.

I can't change the past. I can only admit my own mistakes, apologize for them and change the future. As I said, I may need to rethink the move.
-------------------------------

My mother told me two years ago that if H and I were to have any chance of fixing this, we would BOTH have to let go of the pain and let go of blame.

I have done that, and it's left me in a surprisingly good place.

He hasn't, and he twisted and dangling from it. I can't change him. I can only change me.

[mac-ct]

Honey,

I think you have every idea (as opposed to no idea - which doesn't make sence) of how very very badly I want to do the same thing.

I see that you actually wrote that for you. And you sent it. I'm in tears. If I had received that being a member of the team that's thinking straight, I'd be back like a shot.

I hope it does what in your heart it was meant to do.

Brave yes? Right in DB terms no.

Let's see what happens.

My prayers are with you dia.

((((((dia))))))

Mac

[Dia]

Thanks, Mac,

I have my head on straight (for the moment), and I've started up an apartment hunt here in the desert while I continue the search up north, too. I hate to split my efforts that way, but I need to do what's best for myself and my son. It's really a dilemma. There are way more jobs up north but rent is about double up there.

Down here I can get 2 beds, 900 sq ft and a carport for $900/month or 2 beds, den, 2 car garage and 1800 sf for $1250. Much as I don't like debt, I can do that on my student loan while I finish my dissertation.

Up there, $1250 gets you a studio with a mini-fridge and hotplate. Decent 2 bed apartments start at about $1800, and the 2 bed, den, garage set-up will run $2500 - $2800. If I tried to do that on temp wages, I'd have to take the student loan as well and I wouldn't have time to work on my dissertation.

[Dia]

Holy roller-coaster he%$, Batman,

All the work I did last week shotgunning resumes is paying off. I now have 3 interviews up north. Two are just temp stuff, but one is for a research/grant-writing job with the United Way. It's very part-time, but it's the United Way. Talk about room to grow.

I'm going to end up looking like Sinead O'Connor after all the hair pulling I'm doing, and if I have interviews on W, Th, Friday, how the heck am I going to do them w/o asking to stay with H?? One day by itself, I could drive in and out even tho it's 4 hrs one way. But three days? Aaaaarrrrrgh!!!