K4D Rising #4

[K4D]

You thought your d's were getting better? What can we possibly say to that?

I don't know. Yes, they seemed to be doing better. I guess I was wrong.They have periods where they seem find and other times when they don't.

Get them enrolled in c, asap b/c now it's summertime. Does NOT Matter if YOU think "they're doing better" b/c 1) you don't know what is going on with them, as they won't and CAN'T tell YOU all their feelings; 2) they would need c in the best of circumstances as ALL kids do, and 3) nearly all judges want to see it and it'd look better for you to be the one making it happen, and finally, as for the choice of c, why didn't you like the other one? B/C they didn't address whether the divorce was right or wrong? That is not their job. The c's are there for the kids and getting them through the worst experience of THEIR lives....it is NOT their job to fix your M...

Who am I kidding. Anything I say to this is going to be the wrong answer. I just didn't want my kids being told that there is nothing wrong with this situation and that everyone is better because of it. Thats a bunch of garbage being filled in their heads.

Choose a c that your kids are comfortable with. Not you, not your w,
but the kids. They're the ones who need to be helped. You can get your own c, and so can your w.

True.

As for homeschooling, which I actually considered when we lived in Alaska, you can't figure out why that's impractical for you? ASIDE from your w wanting a divorce,...you cannot afford to homeschool. She earns more money and according to you, that is hugely important to her, and you said yourself that you don't earn enough to support your family just now. So, you are saying if only she'd quit her job, and stay home and become a teacher (without pay), then all would be well? And you don't see any other issues that could arise? Of course you can.

Well, it wouldn't be the most fantastic lifestyle. But we could make it work. I don't see her giving up her lifestyle for it though.

Why can't you tell the kids that it isn't practical EVEN IF you were together? It's not b/c of your w's choice to end the M...

The reality is that it is NOT EASY to homeschool and takes an enormous amount of patience on the parent's end AND the kids', and with two kids not the same age, or temperament, you'd be putting your wife into a sainthood category. Plus she likes her job or at least the life style it affords her. Not so fair and not so realistic or practical. So why not explain THAT to your d's? Oh and the fact that they would not see their friends? Or have a social life without a lot of extra work on your w's part b/c she'd have to take them everywhere to meet up with other kids, and their sports or art class or whatever other thing their schools offer, that they would lose with homeschooling...

Umm... no. They would not lose that. A lot of schools work with homeschoolers now for those sort of activities. Take a look at the great Tim Tebow QB for the Florida Gators. He was homeschooled and aloud to participate in the football program with a school. He seems to have done ok. Infact, he is quite the leader of that football team. By the way, I am not a Gators fan and was disapointed that he chose that school. But that is another subject.

And if W wanted to work, then I could homeschool the kids. But yes, it would be work. And I am not saying that I am up for it. But plenty of other parents make it work on a single income. The people that lived across the street from us did and they had 7 kids and lived very practicle on a single income. My sister homeschools her kids and does quite well at it.

Plus, for our family, even with all our schooling I'd be hiring a tutor (or 3) by the time the kids hit high school...so no, it's not the easy thing that kids think when they want "to be held more" so to speak.

Didn't say it was. But it is a far superior education if done right and the kids learn how to study better and you avoid all the social garbage you get in a public school. I'm sorry, why do they need to be around those influences of drugs, sex, alcohol, other trouble stuff? I never bought into this theory that it was good for them to experience all aspects of the social life when growing up. Some things are better left not experienced. They in general are mature teenagers who become mature adults who by the way do very well in life and in the workforce. Quite a few start out college earlier as they can go at a much faster pace. If done right, its hands down the best way to go by far.

Not all the problems in your kids lives are related to your w's choices or the divorce. Your kids increased needs are of course being affected by
the divorce, but they have to be addressed with c and whatever the c suggests, but Homeschooling? The desire for it may be due to the divorce but as a solution it is probably one of those things that won't fix your problems for reasons not related to the divorce. Explain that to the girls instead of sighing and lamenting, even if only to yourself. (Which I'm assuming was not shown to them, right?)

No. It was not shown to them and I didn't say homeschooling would fix anything. Its not an answer to any problems at the moment considering the obvious situation. If things were great and the family dynamics and everything else were good, then it could be looked at as something worth doing for the kids. But since that is in no way shape or form where we are at right now, it obviously is not an option to even bother talking about.

J-

PS Not having them in c at this point, after all these months, THIS is another example of what we mean when we say you don't listen or follow through or do what isn't comfortable for you. This situation is not about your comfort. This is a very good example of what we mean. I hope you wake up. Really soon.

Ok. I don't know what else to say to that.

[K4D]

You know,

It really bothered me that W was basically crying on my shoulder about being worried about how much the van was going to cost to repair today. I wanted to help her, but at the same time, I knew that offering would get me no more than where I have been so far. So I didn't. But it also bothered me that she was worried about money after her decision to do this. She makes almost twice what I make and is going to tell me her worries about money.

I didn't want this. My kids didn't want this. She chose this. And she is going to tell me she is worried about money. I love her more than anything. And I would help her out in any situation. But she is going to have to ask. I am not just going to extend help anymore.

If I am making it with roughly half of what she makes, I just don't want to hear it.

I'm just frusturated from the earlier conversation we had.

Kevin

[K4D]

It's Saturday and storming. I gotta figure out what to do with my girls today.

I do need to take them clothes shopping.

Kevin

[davidswife]

You thought your d's were getting better? What can we possibly say to that?

I don't know. Yes, they seemed to be doing better. I guess I was wrong.They have periods where they seem find and other times when they don't.

Get them enrolled in c, asap b/c now it's summertime. Does NOT Matter if YOU think "they're doing better" b/c 1) you don't know what is going on with them, as they won't and CAN'T tell YOU all their feelings; 2) they would need c in the best of circumstances as ALL kids do, and 3) nearly all judges want to see it and it'd look better for you to be the one making it happen, and finally, as for the choice of c, why didn't you like the other one? B/C they didn't address whether the divorce was right or wrong? That is not their job. The c's are there for the kids and getting them through the worst experience of THEIR lives....it is NOT their job to fix your M...

Who am I kidding. Anything I say to this is going to be the wrong answer. I just didn't want my kids being told that there is nothing wrong with this situation and that everyone is better because of it. Thats a bunch of garbage being filled in their heads.

Counseling is NOT about them being told there is nothing wrong with the situation. It's about helping them develop appropriate coping skills to deal with the situation. And it will help them all their lives, because life is full of pain and sorrow, and the better they are at dealing with it, the better their lives will be.

Choose a c that your kids are comfortable with. Not you, not your w,
but the kids. They're the ones who need to be helped. You can get your own c, and so can your w.

True.

As for homeschooling, which I actually considered when we lived in Alaska, you can't figure out why that's impractical for you? ASIDE from your w wanting a divorce,...you cannot afford to homeschool. She earns more money and according to you, that is hugely important to her, and you said yourself that you don't earn enough to support your family just now. So, you are saying if only she'd quit her job, and stay home and become a teacher (without pay), then all would be well? And you don't see any other issues that could arise? Of course you can.

Well, it wouldn't be the most fantastic lifestyle. But we could make it work. I don't see her giving up her lifestyle for it though.

Why can't you tell the kids that it isn't practical EVEN IF you were together? It's not b/c of your w's choice to end the M...

The reality is that it is NOT EASY to homeschool and takes an enormous amount of patience on the parent's end AND the kids', and with two kids not the same age, or temperament, you'd be putting your wife into a sainthood category. Plus she likes her job or at least the life style it affords her. Not so fair and not so realistic or practical. So why not explain THAT to your d's? Oh and the fact that they would not see their friends? Or have a social life without a lot of extra work on your w's part b/c she'd have to take them everywhere to meet up with other kids, and their sports or art class or whatever other thing their schools offer, that they would lose with homeschooling...

Umm... no. They would not lose that. A lot of schools work with homeschoolers now for those sort of activities. Take a look at the great Tim Tebow QB for the Florida Gators. He was homeschooled and aloud to participate in the football program with a school. He seems to have done ok. Infact, he is quite the leader of that football team. By the way, I am not a Gators fan and was disapointed that he chose that school. But that is another subject.


And if W wanted to work, then I could homeschool the kids. But yes, it would be work. And I am not saying that I am up for it. But plenty of other parents make it work on a single income. The people that lived across the street from us did and they had 7 kids and lived very practicle on a single income. My sister homeschools her kids and does quite well at it.

It's good that you realize you're not up for it.

Plus, for our family, even with all our schooling I'd be hiring a tutor (or 3) by the time the kids hit high school...so no, it's not the easy thing that kids think when they want "to be held more" so to speak.

Didn't say it was. But it is a far superior education if done right and the kids learn how to study better and you avoid all the social garbage you get in a public school. I'm sorry, why do they need to be around those influences of drugs, sex, alcohol, other trouble stuff? I never bought into this theory that it was good for them to experience all aspects of the social life when growing up. Some things are better left not experienced. They in general are mature teenagers who become mature adults who by the way do very well in life and in the workforce. Quite a few start out college earlier as they can go at a much faster pace. If done right, its hands down the best way to go by far.

There are unhealthy influences in schools, but part of raising children is helping them cope with these influences, to model setting boundaries and making wise choices. Keeping your kids isolated at home to "protect" them from the world is not helping them. Unless ofcourse they'll just go to college at home, and work from home and never be out in the world.


Not all the problems in your kids lives are related to your w's choices or the divorce. Your kids increased needs are of course being affected by
the divorce, but they have to be addressed with c and whatever the c suggests, but Homeschooling? The desire for it may be due to the divorce but as a solution it is probably one of those things that won't fix your problems for reasons not related to the divorce. Explain that to the girls instead of sighing and lamenting, even if only to yourself. (Which I'm assuming was not shown to them, right?)

No. It was not shown to them and I didn't say homeschooling would fix anything. Its not an answer to any problems at the moment considering the obvious situation. If things were great and the family dynamics and everything else were good, then it could be looked at as something worth doing for the kids. But since that is in no way shape or form where we are at right now, it obviously is not an option to even bother talking about.

J-

PS Not having them in c at this point, after all these months, THIS is another example of what we mean when we say you don't listen or follow through or do what isn't comfortable for you. This situation is not about your comfort. This is a very good example of what we mean. I hope you wake up. Really soon.

Ok. I don't know what else to say to that.

[Steve McQueen]

It really bothered me that W was basically crying on my shoulder about being worried about how much the van was going to cost to repair today. She makes almost twice what I make and is going to tell me her worries about money.

And I would help her out in any situation. But she is going to have to ask.

LOL. now you know why she didn't proceed with the divorce. she knows you are hopelessly co-dependent on her and will exhibit rescueing behavior WHENEVER SHE NEEDS YOU TOO. doesnt seem to me she is coming to you to seriously work on restoring your relationship. USER!

why don't you buy yourself a really really nice bicycle right now. and shave your legs. hardxcore AHAHA. or get that gym membership you were talking about. its all about kevin, you know.

btw, you are talking about her again, i understand your frustration and need to vent, but you have to start over back to day 1.

you never did tell me what is so great about your wife. what makes her all that and a bag of chips? and nothing about how she makes you feel or about your kids.

[K4D]

you never did tell me what is so great about your wife. what makes her all that and a bag of chips?

She has a big heart. She is smart. She is beautiful IMO. She loves life. She used to always put the family first before anything else. She cares about people. She is outgoing and fun to be around. She is a great cook. She has many great ideas. She has many talents and many skills. She is driven and dedicated. There isn't anything she won't do to help someone. She stuck by me even when she had no reason to. She is my W.

LOL. now you know why she didn't proceed with the divorce. she knows you are hopelessly co-dependent on her and will exhibit rescueing behavior WHENEVER SHE NEEDS YOU TOO. doesnt seem to me she is coming to you to seriously work on restoring your relationship. USER!

I didn't offer her any help or any company.

btw, you are talking about her again, i understand your frustration and need to vent, but you have to start over back to day 1.

Ugg. I know. Day 1 again.

DW, I am not sure that I followed why you reposted my comments and didn't say anything. Am I missing something there or was it another moment to throw the hands in the air again?

Kevin

[davidswife]

Kev,

I did post within your post, but even though I tried to make it bold print, it didn't come out that way.

I said that having your girls go to counseling is not about telling them that there's nothing wrong with the situation (separation and devorce) -- it's about helping to provide them with appropriate coping mechanisms to handle their emotions. This is not the only painful time they will ever have in their lives, and the better they're able to cope with pain, the better their quality of life will be.

I also posted that it's good that you realize you're not up to the task of home schooling.

What are you and the girls doing today?

Stacy

[K4D]

I'm going to take them clothes shopping for a dress for church. Then we will figure out what to do next.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=K4D][quote]You thought your d's were getting better? What can we possibly say to that?

I don't know. Yes, they seemed to be doing better. I guess I was wrong.They have periods where they seem find and other times when they don't.

Get them enrolled in c, asap b/c now it's summertime. Does NOT Matter if YOU think "they're doing better" b/c 1) you don't know what is going on with them, as they won't and CAN'T tell YOU all their feelings; 2) they would need c in the best of circumstances as ALL kids do, and 3) nearly all judges want to see it and it'd look better for you to be the one making it happen, and finally, as for the choice of c, why didn't you like the other one? B/C they didn't address whether the divorce was right or wrong? That is not their job. The c's are there for the kids and getting them through the worst experience of THEIR lives....it is NOT their job to fix your M...

Who am I kidding. Anything I say to this is going to be the wrong answer. I just didn't want my kids being told that there is nothing wrong with this situation and that everyone is better because of it. Thats a bunch of garbage being filled in their heads.

Choose a c that your kids are comfortable with. Not you, not your w,
but the kids. They're the ones who need to be helped. You can get your own c, and so can your w.

True.

As for homeschooling, which I actually considered when we lived in Alaska, you can't figure out why that's impractical for you? ASIDE from your w wanting a divorce,...you cannot afford to homeschool. She earns more money and according to you, that is hugely important to her, and you said yourself that you don't earn enough to support your family just now. So, you are saying if only she'd quit her job, and stay home and become a teacher (without pay), then all would be well? And you don't see any other issues that could arise? Of course you can.

Well, it wouldn't be the most fantastic lifestyle. But we could make it work. I don't see her giving up her lifestyle for it though.

Why can't you tell the kids that it isn't practical EVEN IF you were together? It's not b/c of your w's choice to end the M...

The reality is that it is NOT EASY to homeschool and takes an enormous amount of patience on the parent's end AND the kids', and with two kids not the same age, or temperament, you'd be putting your wife into a sainthood category. Plus she likes her job or at least the life style it affords her. Not so fair and not so realistic or practical. So why not explain THAT to your d's? Oh and the fact that they would not see their friends? Or have a social life without a lot of extra work on your w's part b/c she'd have to take them everywhere to meet up with other kids, and their sports or art class or whatever other thing their schools offer, that they would lose with homeschooling...

Umm... no. They would not lose that. A lot of schools work with homeschoolers now for those sort of activities. Take a look at the great Tim Tebow QB for the Florida Gators. He was homeschooled and aloud to participate in the football program with a school. He seems to have done ok. Infact, he is quite the leader of that football team. By the way, I am not a Gators fan and was disapointed that he chose that school. But that is another subject.

And if W wanted to work, then I could homeschool the kids. But yes, it would be work. And I am not saying that I am up for it. But plenty of other parents make it work on a single income. The people that lived across the street from us did and they had 7 kids and lived very practicle on a single income. My sister homeschools her kids and does quite well at it.

Plus, for our family, even with all our schooling I'd be hiring a tutor (or 3) by the time the kids hit high school...so no, it's not the easy thing that kids think when they want "to be held more" so to speak.

Didn't say it was. But it is a far superior education if done right and the kids learn how to study better and you avoid all the social garbage you get in a public school. I'm sorry, why do they need to be around those influences of drugs, sex, alcohol, other trouble stuff? I never bought into this theory that it was good for them to experience all aspects of the social life when growing up. Some things are better left not experienced. They in general are mature teenagers who become mature adults who by the way do very well in life and in the workforce. Quite a few start out college earlier as they can go at a much faster pace. If done right, its hands down the best way to go by far.

Not all the problems in your kids lives are related to your w's choices or the divorce. Your kids increased needs are of course being affected by
the divorce, but they have to be addressed with c and whatever the c suggests, but Homeschooling? The desire for it may be due to the divorce but as a solution it is probably one of those things that won't fix your problems for reasons not related to the divorce. Explain that to the girls instead of sighing and lamenting, even if only to yourself. (Which I'm assuming was not shown to them, right?)

No. It was not shown to them and I didn't say homeschooling would fix anything. Its not an answer to any problems at the moment considering the obvious situation. If things were great and the family dynamics and everything else were good, then it could be looked at as something worth doing for the kids. But since that is in no way shape or form where we are at right now, it obviously is not an option to even bother talking about.

J-

PS Not having them in c at this point, after all these months, THIS is another example of what we mean when we say you don't listen or follow through or do what isn't comfortable for you. This situation is not about your comfort. This is a very good example of what we mean. I hope you wake up. Really soon.

Ok. I don't know what else to say to that.


K4,
Don't make this about homeschooling b/c it is NOT. I pointed out some practical disadvantages to it. I am well aware of the pros to it as well, as I looked at doing it. And I do support it in SOME family situations. Yours in NOT one of them and that is obvious.

My whole point was that you laid all the troubles your kids are having on the choice of a divorce, and SOME of them are related! I get that! D7's sudden desire/creative solution for the m's problems was homeschooling, and in her mind she probably thought "then they'd have to live together" and my heart breaks for her....Hence the need for C! Which YOU did not get yet.
So on one hand you want to blame all the woes of childhood (some of which ARE going to happen no matter what) on the w's choices, yet YOU don't get your kids the help they need even after ALL those red flags they sent out to YOU...


So don't make this about a homeschooling argument. That is a deflection of yours. Which you do a lot. What's next? Debating the road to salvation? Come on Kevin, work on YOU. Stay on track, What's new in YOUR life and what have you learned lately about making yourself happy?
j-

[25yearsmlc]

Yes I know you called a c now that we all howled about it. Good.

But through this entire ordeal, this nightmare for your family which began just months after your mom passed away, and b/c of which you revealed that you had/have a drinking problem, were "never happy before" and "don't know how to be happy" and are on meds, (which is not something I'm judging at all)

but what you have actually followed through and done for all this, is to get the scrip without counselling, attend one AA meeting...and now weekly, you speak to a priest. (Don't deflect and argue about the Priest K4, I'm Catholic and all for it.) But we all know it's scratching the surface.

You prayed for resources but you must avail yourself of them and I don't mean just reading your posts here. Doing the work is getting out there and digging in and learning what it takes to make oneself a happy complete person without someone else there to do that job. That's why so much of the stuff about your w's family or her job or her car is nothingness to me. It's like a fluttering wind that lasts 3 seconds. Who cares? Are the kids safe in the car? Fine, that's all that matters...next issue...

Does this make sense to you?
j-