A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

See, knowing that I would be fine either way is no different for me than knowing he would be back in 30 days. That almost sounds ridiculous because the outcomes are so different, but they're effectively the same - I'll be fine.

Thanks, Coach!

[Dia]

Since my printer died, H is printing out several copies of my resume at his work today and bringing them home for me. I thanked him in email, but prepared and waiting for him when he gets home is an origami thank you note. The words are simple - "Thank you for printing my resumes" but there's a little pic of him in a Superhero pose holding a sheaf of resumes and the paper is folded into a Hawaiian shirt - which is what he wears to work.

I like writing the note, drawing the pic, then doing the folding because you never know where/how much of the message will show. It adds interest and gives a nice incentive to unfold the thing to get to the 'prize'.

If the vibe is off when he gets home, I will just keep the note. Then again, if the vibe is off b/c he had a bad day at work, this might turn it around for him.

[Dia]

Ok, really *wierd* interaction.

H, kidlet, FIL and I were all sitting on the floor cleaning up a Monopoly game after all playing together. H was chatting to his dad about the possibility of getting his eyes lasered, something H had chatted to me about earlier since his glasses broke earlier this week. FIL said that choosing a Dr. is pretty important, so H should ask around for recommendations from people who have had it done.

And H glibly responded with, "Oh, OW's mother knows a few of the doctors in town I can check with her." The conversation continued between the two of them after that, but I confess that I didn't hear a word they said. After the shock wore off - a minute or three, I excused myself to the deck and said I wanted to look at the stars before bed.

Just about every emotion imaginable hit me - hurt, humiliation, jealousy, rage, wanting to quit, wanting to pack up right then and there, take kidlet and drive 200 miles back to my Mom's, wanting to write to OW and tell her to back the F%&@#* away from my husband - you name it. So I laid there in the hammock for maybe 10, 15 minutes, got my game face back on and went back inside.

The game was put away, FIL was in the shower and kidlet wanted to be read to before bed. H was trying to make some eye contact but the vibe was sort of awkward - not sure if it was him or me, probably both. We sat on the couch and read to kidlet, then H tucked him in.

When H came out, I asked if I could speak to him for a moment. My tone was soft, compassionate (I thought) and fairly matter of fact. This is what I said.

"I feel hurt and humiliated when you talk about Robin in front of me. The old Dia would have kept it inside and let it fester. The new Dia will tell you about it. I'm not going to be pissy or b*^%$y about it - but I am going to let you know."

Ok, that alone is a huge 180 because I'm non-confrontational to the point where it's harmful to me. I was so afraid he'd get angry, tell me to leave, etc.

He didn't.

He apologized.

He said it was an accident, it just slipped out and there was nothing he could do about it right in the moment w/o calling more attention to it.

Then he hesitantly touched me on the shoulder... and pulled me into a hug.

I am stunned speechless.

Anybody care to tell me what the heck just happened? And was I right to say something, or did I just make a huge DB mistake?

P.S. Anybody want to put money on the contraction happening as soon as we wake up tomorrow? *eye roll*

And as far as taking the kidlet, getting in the car and leaving, that's what I did when the A with my best friend came to light and it was a mistake. So at least I appear to have learned something?

[Dia]

Rats. I accidentally typed her name instead of OW and I can't edit b/c the time window expired. If a mod sees it, could you kindly change it to OW instead? (Guess it's slipping out everywhere tonight, eh?)

[Kettricken]

K, I don't know if that was "good DBing" or not ... but from an authentic human standpoint, I think you handled it beautifully. I would just leave it lie now, but I think you done good.

(speaking as someone only-too-familiar with being non-confrontational to the point of outright dysfunction)

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

If this is a boundary issue for you, then you handled it well.

How did you handle your conflicts before problems with M? Did you confront them or avoid them? Just asking to tell if whether your setting this boundary (and I think I would set the same one) is the same old, same old or a 180 - in your H's eyes.

I have to give you the same warning you guys have given me and I am sure will again. The weekend you had sounded great. And it was filled with progress. Just be very careful not to allow those wonderful strides to allow you to have expectations. Having those expectations will set you up fo disappointment (the down part of the roller coaster). They can also cause you to become impatient. You see good signs and you want more, NOW. (Of course, by "you" I mean us all).

[Dia]

Thanks, Kett and GIMA.

Conflicts before I handled with fear and timidity. I held the feelings in, stuffed them down and they festered, breeding anger and resentment. I have always been the peacemaker in my family, the quiet, gentle, diplomatic one. I'm tired of making peace by letting people walk on me, so yes, this is a 180 and a big one at that. No more 'gentle, gentle, gentle, ARMAGEDDON', which is what he wanted, right? LOL I was clear, calm and direct.

I didn't give him an order or tell him what to do (e.g. Don't mention her in front of me.) I told him how I feel when he does. Now he gets to make the choice about his own behavior, and in that choice, we learn something of his character.

I have two interviews today, my game face is on and I will be doing my best to act as if nothing happened.

I hear you re: expectations.

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

Don't gt me wrong. You ARE doing great - you are sooooo much further along than I was at your point in your fight.

Keep it up and good luck on the interviews.

[Dia]

Oh, no - I didn't take anything you said amiss at all.

[Dia]

This morning went ok. We chatted pretty much as per usual this morning though I would say it was a bit less warm than the previous days. Natural and to be expected.

I have two interviews today, and I'm going to try to see an apartment. Depending on exactly how the day goes, I will leave either this evening or tomorrow morning. I may be back Monday or Tuesday though as several of the jobs I've been applying for will interview next week.

Here's my conundrum - should I attempt to leave before he gets home? I don't want it look look like I left in a huff, but after the great time we've had, it's probably productive to give him the opportunity to miss me, reflect on things, etc.

Most likely, I'm over-analyzing and I'll just let my schedule dictate and play it by ear.

When I leave, I plan to go dark a bit so that he has the opportunity to initiate contact.