Things are better in my head. I do have the co-parenting session this afternoon with x, but I have no expectations at all about it, anymore. And even some of the past ideas that I had, about telling him what he did and where I was, etc. - there's no point to it, and I don't feel compelled to share that, anymore.
I get the DivorceCare emails, and they are up up reconcilliation, as in, forgive, live and let live, not holding resentment and anger, etc. The pendulum swings on all of that, but gets me a little closer to that being my reality each time, just a little further along.
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Well, the day flew. D10 surprised me with setting up materials in the new studio, and we sketched together.
I went to the meeting today - not much eye contact, but some, and no xanax or anxiety before I got there (or during it). I started off with how I had felt attacked at the end of last session and how it was just an illustration of how I had been treated these last 2 years (all his justifications, etc.). The C kept things in the present, kept both sides to the point, showed how to use "I" statements. These are all things that I know, but it is so good having someone referee, make sure that he learns to speak respectfully, etc. Even reminds me what is my work and what is is to keep the focus between us on the kids.
Next appt is 9/1. I might write more about the session later, but I am glad it is done.
I'll get back to the session, but I want to document what happened today.
D10 had a sleepover at a friend's house today, and the gf's daughter was also invited. Knowing the dropoff time, I planned to be fashionably late to avoid any drama, etc. Well, she must have had the same idea, and was still there when I showed up.
First time I was that close to her (within smacking distance, I thought to myself), and felt - nothing. No shaking, no stomach knots, no anxiety, no hatred.....nothing. I avoiding having to say anything to her by focusing on the kids, and she left.
The other mom came over and gave me a great big hug, apologized for not realizing the uncomfortable situation I was in. I said no, no big deal, I'm fine. And I meant it. She said that the gf saw me and started to visibly shake.
I can't tell you how lightened I feel! I got into the car with a smile on my face from ear to ear. I think I sighed the rest of the day, like a huge weight has come off!
I think that the momentum is snowballing...I was stalled for a long time, having gone through a deep depression. I was very sick there for a while. Now, I feel confident that I have made it through, gotten well. The co-parenting counselor actually said out loud, after speaking with my IC and evaluating me during our sessions, that I am no longer clinically depressed. And I feel that, too.
Wow Donna - just read this. And I could FEEL it. I don't know if I could do it. Was withing breathing distance of maggot at a Funeral Home (and she was really trying to get in my face). I held my head up but came home and sobbed. It is just SO emotional.
So, hats off to you from one who's been in those shoes. That is a biggie and you've turned a corner. ONWARD!
Been busy, in a good way. S14 is at camp this week, so lots of time with D10. Had a few adventures, a spa night sleepover, shopping, painting together...then spent an overnight with S at his camp.
D stayed with her dad (his evening with her, then just stayed over). He goes to work at 5:30 am, so I rushed home to get her asap while letting her have time to sleep in a little. X fell all over himself to thank me for letting her stay over (it's not about you, idiot). It was good to hang out with S, that he asked me to visit and wanted me there. I actually got a lot of planning done for the new school year when he had to go to merit badge workshops, to boot. And I had some time to connect with the other parents of the scouts - I miss that a little, especially with D not taking girl scouts last year. It was all very comfortable, and I was careful not to talk about x or the sitch in more than any of the most general terms.
Went to my IC today. We talked about how I am being reflective on what was in my past marriage, and what wasn't, and how I am re-defining what is acceptable and workable for me as I go forward, and maybe have new intimate relationships. How I was pretty stifled and too accommodating in my marriage - I want someone who is as open to communicating as I am (there were lots of warning signs that this wasn't happening with x). Honesty, respect and loyalty will need to be paramount, as well. I will question and speak up much more if I find things uncomfortable (I hope!!) instead of justifying and excusing. It came up that men can't really be close friends with unrelated women without other feelings and temptations coming up - what do you guys think? After all that has happened, I am tending to agree with this.
I also brought in the picture of myself from when I was little (about 5), a homework assignment. IC just said how loveable I was, how deserving...how did I feel, as an adult, looking at that little girl and what she had to deal with? Wow... I was a happy little girl, but wasn't taken care of or paid much attention to. Set me up to always trying with everything I had to please, "be good." Lots of connections between how I was raised and everything that happened with the marriage.
New homework is to find more pics, from maybe age 10 and 15, and write about how I feel about "those kids" from a distanced, adult point of view. I have some old photo albums...I think I might be making a collage in the next week with some of them, adding the reflections.
Speaking of art, I also started a family portrait of the kids and I in acrylics on canvas, and my botanical illustrations for my friend's book just got mailed to the publisher!
Tomorrow is my women's spirituality group meeting, which I'm looking forward to. I want to work on my friendship skills....seems that I have a lot of acquaintances and am generally well-liked, but not approached to go out one-on-one or become closer friends.
Man, my mood swings all over the place. I'm not in a good way right now, even though I know that will likely change. Just feeling like crap.
Still lonely. Realizing (again?) that I may have lots of acquaintances, but few if any real friends. Right now, MIL is one, and probably shouldn't be. I am starting to feel guilty and in the way of her relationships with her kids, and am contemplating telling them so...scary, because then I would be even more alone. But I don't want to be selfish, either. Most of my social structure was centered around my marriage. My x was my best friend - that's completely gone. My friends were mostly couple-friends. And remember that the gf was one of them. Most, if not all, of that is gone. I've been back and forth about "bff" down the street, part of another couple we had all hung around with and went on vacation with. Seems that me, on my own, might not be so interesting or able to fit into their lives. Last time we really talked, she called me to complain and be indignant that x had completely ignored her, drove right by without so much as a wave - did I know why? Um, no....I think their friendship might have been more of the connection - I was the "extra-credit." It fed her ego (x was/is charming, handsome, funny, etc.) The rest of my social circle centered around his large family. After 20+ years together, I had considered them my sibs, too. That has all gone with the wind for the most part. My sister came back into my life, but I think it was for a short term. I'm pretty sure she just doesn't like me very much. Splitting the week between two schools, I am never in one building to really cement any lasting, close friendships with the other teachers and staff I work with. I have people I eat lunch with, talk to, etc., but nothing outside of school. Reminds me of jr and sr high school. I was never invited to parties or to hang out, really. I had one or two close friends each year, then met Chuck. I guess it is something to work on with IC. But it seems to be so much harder now - everyone is married, or has their own lives already set up and are busy. Not sure how to "make friends." Just seems like more and more periphery people when I do get out and GAL. The closest friend I have lives a state away and we don't get to be together too often.
I miss being married, having someone to talk about the day-to-day things with. Little stuff like making dinner together, bouncing ideas off of, talking about the news.
The thought of starting all over again with a romantic relationship is exhausting. I am about to go back to work full-time, continue my grad work, raise two kids and take care of a house. I have never been good at time management and can barely hold those things together on my own, while I try to squeeze in any art making, church, other outside interests (which just aren't doing it for me so much anymore). There is no time and I have no energy.
The first 16 years of my life, I spent trying to please my mother and be loveable to her - she was an alcoholic and did the best she could, but it wasn't very much. We didn't play together, there were no playdates with other kids. I made do, became resourceful, but I was lonely. I started crushing on boys at about 10, and right before I met Chuck I had decided that this was it - I was destined to be alone and should just accept it. My personality (the nice, plain girl who was a great starter-friend) and my looks just didn't add up to anyone ever being interested. And, other than Chuck, there hasn't been any romantic interest in me, my whole life.
Seems like I am right back to that place; but now it's worse, because I was loved for such a long time, that I was finally convinced that I was loveable - only to be rejected and betrayed in the deepest and most complete way.
I guess I should be grateful for the years I did have where I was really happy and knew joy - not everyone can say that.
I feel like sending this out to everyone I have ever known, just to ask them what is wrong with me.
