K4D Rising #4

[K4D]

My Codependent No More audio book arrives today. Hopefully that will give me a good starting point. I'm looking forward to getting into it.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

I feel like again you opted not to dive into the post I made.

Books are fine and can be a good starting point but most of us who are having a very hard time learning to detach need some structure and accountability. That is where a C comes in. They will be able to help you chart your progress, explore your triggers and fears, give you homework to do and really put you on a new path that right now you do not have the ability to get yourself on.

I feel like I am beating a dead horse.

[K4D]

Detaching doesn't mean you stop thinking about your S. It simply means you don't put your life on hold while you wait for the outcome you are praying for. There is a lot of work out there that I know God would like me to do for myself, my kids, as well as for others. I have a job that must go on. I have a home that must be kept up with. I have kids that need a strong father there for them. I need to do things with them. I have my own spiritual growth that I cannot neglect.

Life must continue while you continue to pray for your prodigal to return. That is where I am having to push my way through but at the same time not lose hope and give up.

FaithfulH didn't give up. He detached lovingly. He continued to do what he needed and made the changes within himself that he needed. But he did not give up and did not quit praying for his M to be restored. He kept faith no matter how bleak it looked. He continued to stand in the gap for his M while doing everything else he needed to do.

Kevin

[K4D]

I feel like again you opted not to dive into the post I made.

I read everything you said. I agree that there are tools that help out in this process. I am picking up some tools starting with this book. I will continue to explore more tools.

I definitely get accountability here. I get it from my kids. I get it from my W by her reactions or lack there of. I get it from FaithfulH. I get it from God. When me and my priest discuss it which is not often, I get it from him. I am still thinking over the AA thing. I am also thinking over the gym which isn't to far away and a decent price so I can lift weights.

I only have so much time to read this, read that, do this, do that, etc. So I am picking and choosing what fits in best for myself.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

I am not going to argue anymore with you about this. You dont just think about your W - you obsess and chatter. Wasnt it just a few weeks ago you were thinking of having a 3rd party call her to invite her to a marriage saving seminar?

I see a difference, clearly you do not.

I have been at this for 19 months. I am very clear on the definition of detachement. Yes, I think about my H from time to time but I dont wonder about what he is doing, I dont talk about how good he looks on the rare occasion I see him and I dont think about how much easier it would be if we could work as a team (as you thought just a few days ago regarding your D and her being sick). As observers to your posts, we see things you do not see. And when they are pointed out to you, to be used as a learning or eye opening tool, you quote scripture. So I think we have reached a stalemate. Thats cool.

Like I said - you and I have different definitions. Do what you like. Its your life and your future. But you may consider drawing on some of the "vets" experience that have a different outlook instead of just sticking to the posters that agree with you 110%. Diversity does have its place in the learning and growing process.

[K4D]

Diversity does have its place in the learning and growing process.

I agree with that. And I am not discounting it at all. And I am trying to sift through things.

Kevin

[mulesqb]

K- Please understand. I am not telling you to give up on your M. I would never do that. I am not telling you to go have an affair. Would never do that either. I'm telling you that from what I can see and everyone else can see you are nowhere near being detached. Not even close. And if you ever want a chance at saving your M, you need to be bro. That's all. We're here to help. Don't want you to make the same mistakes we did. Read more threads. Read DR again. Those who were successful, detached. It's that simple. Give yourself the best opportunity to be successful. You know what? You'll feel better too.

Bro, you're making the same mistakes I did. I hope you step back and see that.

Mules

[25yearsmlc]

I understand what you are saying mules.

However, I am not interested in finding someone else of the opposite sex. I didn't make a covenant with someone else for life.

NO one asked you to "make a covenant with OW..." you reduce things too much and oversimplify, but hey, it's your life.But don't put words into others mouths...

Perhaps the number of returning S's is so low because so many people give up to early. Sometimes it takes years and years for things to turn around. Also, maybe they did not continue to pray and turn to God and be faithful and make him #1 during that time. I don't know. I don't have any idea what other people's situations and beliefs are. I just know what mine are.

Don't know where you got the 5% number...so can't respond. Except to say that most people repeat the same mistakes they made earlier....


Lovingly detach, yes. Live my life right now, yes. Give up, no. Does Jesus give up on us? No, he doesn't. Am I hiding behind religion? No. Do I need to focus on it more for me? Yes. But to quit praying for that person whom I will not mention, I can't do that. To quit standing in the gap for my prodigal, I can't do that.

Stop putting words into my mouth and stop oversimplifying other's comments. You are not that superficial and we sure aren't. YOu know darn well what you are avoiding...

Build my life as it is right now, yes. Much work to be done there. Lose my faith in God's promises, no.
[i]Who asked you to do that? No one. Stop reducing our comments to anti-Christian bigotry. IT deflects from you having to answer legit questions designed to help YOU.
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Free will, free will, free will. Yes, God gives everyone free will.

INcluding you, yet you won't exercise it. You keep doing the same thing which is hiding behind your new found faith to avoid confronting your all too human problems. And refusing to work on them.

However, that doesn't mean he can't and won't influence people. I give you Saul who was converted to Paul. I give you Jonah who refused and ran from God. Did not a whale swallow him up and still take him where God wanted him? Could these people have still chosen their free will? Yes, they could have. But God was able to persuade them to do His will. So to say that God can't or won't intervene is a lack of faith in prayer.

NO ONE SAID "GOD CAN'T OR WON'T"...STOP ARGUING THAT. It's insulting and untrue and again, you use this everytime to hide behind, and to act as if your beliefs are being attacked; they are not.

I think that God expects us to stand in the gap no matter what and keep praying and having faith in him to restore our M's since we made a covenant with him. A lot of times that requires a great deal of patience which I am having to learn and changing on my part. This isn't running to God to get out of having to work on me. It is turning to God in faith and also asking that he change me by providing the resources I need to do his will and be the H I need to be and father I need to be and Christian I need to be.

[[color:#CC0000]i]"faith that he'll help you "By providing the Resources??? RESOURCES??? You mean like going to AA meetings, or talking to a C, or a T or coming HERE to this site and yet not taking any or SOME of the advice given? Those resources? We are all around you and so are those resources, but, "There are none so blind as those with eyes- who refuse to see..."
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It also means not seeking comfort in man, but in God. The bible says cursed is the man who seeks comfort in men and blessed is the man who seeks comfort in God. Obviously that is something that I am having to work on as to not seek comfort in my W but seek it in God. It is a growing process and part of faith.

Kevin

did you hear a word of what we said? I submit your communication problems are well identified HERE and probably represent a significant pattern in your marriage, from which you might learn, if you opened your eyes and heart and stopped waiting for God to write letters in the sky. HIS messages are all around you but you don't want to see them...so you "Wait in faith" (your words) for the message YOU WANT and until you get that....you'll hear nothing... I am not a priest or a nun, but I don't know if I'd call that faith.
Definitely stubborness of some sort. I mean you have refused to avail yourself of the numerous resources CG has sent you, (COUNTLESS), or the meetings we have suggested (resource) but b/c you were too good for them and couldn't figure out how to shop around to find another group, I THEN LISTED WAYS TO DO SO (= resource) and the c, (also a resource in hersef) and when you chose not to see the "too young" for you C, and eventually told us that you were not seeing him anymore...we gave you advice about how to find another one = RESOURCE, so, that comment about you hoping "God sends you the resources", or words to that effect, really throws me for a loop. Almost made me laugh.

j-

[Steve McQueen]

Hey Kevin.

Whats so great about your wife anyway?

[volleydog]

Perhaps you've heard the story of the man caught in a flood who had a deep faith in God. As the flood waters rose, his neighbors told him, "You have to leave, the flood is going to wash everything away."

Calmly, the man replied, "It's not a problem, God will save me."

As the waters continued to rise to the second floor of the man's house, a boat came by with rescuers. They said, "Quickly, get in, the flood is going to wash everything away."

Again the man replied, "It's not a problem, God will save me."

As the flood worsened, the man was forced to climb onto the roof of his home. A helicopter came, threw down a ladder and the rescuers said, "Climb up. The flood is about to wash everything away."

One more time, the man said, "It's not a problem, God will save me."

Finally, the flood washed everything away, and the man drowned.

When he reached heaven, he saw God. The first thing he asked was, "Lord, I was so certain you would save me, what happened?"

Very perplexed, God said to the man, "I just don't know, I sent neighbors, a boat and a helicopter to save you."