BUNS, ABS, AND HEART OF STEEL #3

[cagzmom]

Official Bimbo of my x's was truly a gold digger..but she wasnt super ugly HA!! however she was a tall one 5'10" (I am 5'4") big nose and such. me?? i am gorgeous!! lol

I again go back to my thoguhts..we read the board we hope to be the one who is SAVED from this hell. Follow the steps and they will come back. But I believe it is FOLLOW the steps and SURVEY the hell.. There is no game plan or strategy. They have to figure this junk out on thier own.. and this stinks.

Trusting... you are "da bomb!"

[forward]

I think they keep the OW because:

a) pride
b) they have not yet come in synch with reality. The longer it takes to learn about reality, the longer they need OW around.
c) makes them feel good to have the admiration
d) they are too lazy to get rid of her and it is kind of like extracting a tooth.

If OW is fairly decent, I think things drag on for years and then eventually decline. Co-worker told me about her H's A--took 10 years but things are pretty disillusioned at the moment.

[peacetoday]

i THINK some of them stay with the OW b/c they think it is really love
My X is M ow this weekend( I m pretty sure its true)
I wonder- why get M again?
makes no sense
But I guess it does to them
maybe it validates their adulterous R
or justifies their actions of abandoning their kids
maybe there is no thought at all..its all primal
peace

[forward]

I think I would add in anger at LBS as one thing, too.

It is their way of getting back at us sometimes.

If they admit they are not happy, they feel one-down with us.

[Silver Fox]

I read a book titled "My Husband's Affair was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me."

I'm on the author's mailing list and just got this today. It's written by her husband (they are back together).

I hope you don't mind me posting it. I thought it might be helpful:

The question I am often asked is “Why were you willing to throw away your marriage and family, of 18 years, for the other woman?” or “Why were you willing to risk everything you had for this other person?” Like most of the questions that we, as the unfaithful, are asked, the answer is not a simple one, but rather a culmination of many factors that need to be looked at collectively. If this is not done, there is a level of contempt held by the betrayed spouse towards the unfaithful, as well as a level of inferiority held by the unfaithful towards one’s self. It will be much more difficult for healing to take place in this environment.

Here are six factors that play out in many people’s situations that will give an understanding into answering these questions. The factors are given in a chronological sequence, but they don’t always follow in order.

1. We didn’t believe that the affair would ever get this far. We thought we would be able to end the relationship at any time (it was not and would not be an affair); our involvement was not as serious as we thought.

2. We were not thinking about the consequences. We lived only in the moment and avoided thinking about the future. We didn’t think this would be found out. We didn’t allow our self to think about how our actions would affect those around us, we were only concerned with what is in it for me. Our fantasy did not include our reality.

3. We would enter our affair box. Many of us are able, for a period of time, to separate our fantasy (affair, emotional or sexual) life from our real everyday life. We are able, more so for men than women, to compartmentalize our two lives, and function adequately in both.

4. We do not want to face the pain, hurt, anger or disappointment. We do not want to face the anger or pain or hurt we will cause in our spouse. We do not want to deal with the pain of how we have acted out of character for our self. We do not want to face up to fact that we have disappointed our spouse, our children, our family, our friends, and our community around us and even disappointed the person we see in the mirror.

5. We hope the affair will end on it’s own. There are many affairs that continue on for extended periods of time because even though one person knows that what they are doing is wrong and harmful to their marriage, they don’t have the nerve, balls or courage to end it. We are expecting the other to do the ‘right’ thing. We hope that ‘we’ mutually decide to end it. We can’t see that we are either using the other person or they are using us.

6. Emotions over rational thinking. The power of emotion, excitement and secrecy has a greater influence in a person’s life than that of logic or rational thinking. The chemical reaction in our brains cloud out reason, sensibility, or sound judgment, thus hindering us from healthy, productive and sane decisions.

Finally, there are those who don’t care about who, how or what their actions affect, they are those who are willing to give up on their own marriage just satisfy their selfish desires. These are the ones whom are not willing to reconcile their marriage or even look at why this happened. The above issues are not really applicable to those individuals.

[Golfgirl1]

I think those in MLC are not able to follow the 6 factors. I think they are in denial and just full of their own selfish desires and wants.

[Silver Fox]

Yes, MLC is certainly a somewhat different animal and I think they are probably following #2 and #6 more than the other factors.

[ACJ]

I for one think my SBTXH falls into the very final category (after 6). Not once has he stopped to look back at the destruction. In fact he keeps on destroying. His recent announcement of OWs pregnancy proves all that. I'm told my D14 became hysterical when he told her. I'm told he unexpectedly cried at this outburst. I'd like to think it was b/c he was upset that she was so hurt but I'm more inclined to think that he was upset b/c she wasn't happy for him.

[TRUSTING]

Silver Fox,

Thank you for those comments. I think my ex fits into all of them. Quite sad isn't it. I think the ML'ers deep seeded issues prevent them from seeing anything clearly.

My ex I believe thought I would eventually betray him. He had to betray me before I betrayed him.

He was terrified of divorce. He followed a self-fulfilling prophecy. He always thought I would divorce him. He made it happen by the affair and all the abuse.

[TRUSTING]

ACJ,

My heart goes out to your child. He is an idiot.