I am making catalina chicken with portabello mushrooms and rice tonight. Since D11 is really into this stuff now, she is helping me. It is a lot of fun experimenting with foods now that I couldn't really do before.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Can anyone please go visit LR1's thread. He is needing some support as things seem to have taken a worse turn in his situation.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Everytime we bring up YOU and what you need to do for YOU as far as solution based counseling goes you tell us about what you are cooking or what you ate for lunch.
I am sorry, I am not knocking your faith and I am glad you do have faith but IMO you are using your faith/religion to avoid doing the real work you need to do on you.
You still talk about your W each day, almost each post. You just transfer one thing to the next... C'ing, AA, religion, BA job and nothing really gets done. It seems by you having faith in your religion (good thing) you feel you dont have to do the actual work that religion cannot provide you.
You must begin to live your life as if you are already divorced. I feel that is the only way you will get anywhere. And I dont mean go date or sleep with women, I mean live your life as a divorced man who chooses to remain single but is all on his own with your W NEVER coming back.
Its hard to keep up with you because you jump around so much, ignore the questions and answer with faith based responses, ignore the questions and tell us about your meals or you babble about your W and how to attract her back.
I am sort of at a loss on what else to say to you. I think everybody is.
How are you? Is everything still moving along in your sitch - regarding the separation agreement? How is your health?
I've been thinking about you, happy to see you've stopped by to try to tell Kevin AGAIN where and on what to focus. Not that he'll listen, very frustrating, as you know.
Okay, sorry for the hi-jack -- back to Kev's thread!
What I meant is I am not bugging W anymore. I am giving her the space she needs. I completely leave her alone now. I was very cheerful and confident last night when I picked up the kids even in the face of seeing her not give a crap that I am there.
She had mentioned earlier that she had let down her guard and it was a mistake because I brought up MC after she told me she was going to finish the D.
Now her guard is back up and has been ever since. Another stupid mistake on my part. I won't do that again and I haven't done it since. But contact is now limited to the exchange of the kids for pushing that.
But I got the message loud and clear. She cannot say that I am a problem for her anymore. I need to become a benefit to her now. But I can only do that by benefiting myself first.
I'm not going to got through the list of things again I have been doing. I am doing stuff other than just hanging out with friends.
I have enough self esteem to know that I could find someone else. But I am not looking to find someone else. I guess my self esteem does come into question when it comes to attracting W back after all the horrid mistakes I have made.
25,
Thank you for the prayer. And yes, I do pray each day that God changes me to be the Christian man, husband and father that I need to be. It is not at all relegated to just changing my W's heart.
I ask for strength, wisdom, guidance and to personally change me and do whatever it takes to change me so that my M can be restored and under God. I also pray for other standers and my family and friends, etc. I thank God for what he has blessed me with and I ask for forgiveness for the things I have done wrong among other things. I pray that he be with my kids each day and give them strength and guide them.
But yes, I need to bring more to the table. So I am working on that. I am exploring new things. I like to cook. I like learning how to dance. I like excercising and going on hikes. I'm not much of a TV watcher unless it is sports. But I have been getting back into movies with FaithfulH and I am enjoying those. I do a lot of listening to and reading of the bible. I prayed for some time that God would lead me to the church I should be at and I think he has. To my surprise W hasn't really met me with any resistance to it like I thought she would. She doesn't want anything to do with it. But she hasn't threatened me like she did months ago.
I also fast, but I do not telling anyone when I am as that is supposed to be private between me and God.
I have to get my inspection done on my car this weekend. I can't forget that again.
Kevin
Oh Kevin...my prayer for you, which I am glad you liked, somehow went right by your heart...I mean, the word "WIFE" is NOT in that prayer for a very good reason. When you still related all that I said simply to restoring the M, it was still about what you want and need. You put your desires into a prayer designed for reliance on God and somehow you made it a prayer more or less saying "Dear God, help me be good so that you can Show me HOW TO GET HER BACK," which isn't what the prayer was about...I mean, who am I to tell you what to pray for, but since I wrote it for you, let me say here's what I wished for you to learn from the prayer and where I was going with it, as succinctly as possible...
I was going with a "show me what YOU, God, want for MY LIFE" type of prayer, and that may not have much at all to do with your wife, other than as a co=parent, and even if it did, she has free will.
So, in sum The prayer was about you leaning on HIM FOR ALLand NOT LEANING ON HER, AT ALL..
Oh, when you ignore the tough questions you are asked, and switch topics to superficial ones like "The FOOD Channel, by Kevin", it's such bad conflict avoidance I have to wonder how you resolve conflict in your life. I really really do. It's as if you are really shutting us off the way you stop attending things that are uncomfortable AND don't mention doing so to others unless really pinned down. You ignore the truly tough work, as I said you were doing with religion and I do think you are hiding behind it so you can avoid the tough stuff, just as I said earlier and as CG just said again, and I suspect you will blurt out someting in response about how great God is, and who will argue against that? Many of us, myself included, are believers. But that doesn't mean we don't help ourselves, (as we are biblically instructed to do, Kevin)...so Don't deflect or minimize your issues, we see through it. As a believer, it bothers me also b/c I know there are good hearted agnostics and non-believers here who are seeking out guidance, and when some sweeping comment about your faith is blurted out as a broad brush approach and deflection from the real work, it helps NO ONE and frankly, it embarrasses me a tad. It is a deflection, and I'll leave it at that.
Stay on track. Or you will continue down the path where you make mistakes you made back in March, like mentioning MC to your w? ....come on now, of course she runs from that. Of course it's a setback and you knew it would be. But you don't control your urges to speak and you desparately grasp b/c you have prayed a few weeks and so you feel that you are what? "Due a miracle?" I mean again and again, we tell you your timeline is unrealistic and here we are, Again...but you cannot contain your neediness. That's why we say GET HELP!!
You knew we'd howl against you telling her this, so you did it without running it by us on purpose, (Think about that Kevin, after posting so much else here...)
...so that's where this whole weird dynamic of the "Kevin - the misbehaving child routine" comes into play, and you turn me and CG (and DW and who else? Stuck??) into the "scolding nuns/parents" (or maybe your strong willed diasppointed w??") I don't know!
I'm no psych, but I've talked to one on many occasions so it's not an insult from me to say, Kevin, you need a shrink, b/c this dynamic is really odd and Unhealthy and oh sooo old and familiar now and so dull and repetitive. Your wife must have been incredibly frustrated.
You will eventually need to learn the skills to cope with the pain of dealing with the new reality,(which ain't so "new" now) i.e.,[b] NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE YOUR OLD LIFE BACK..None of us can....
Not that God or time won't bring you happiness in some form, but you seem to want it packaged in old wrapping, and that packaging is gone. We all had to learn this and deal with our new realities...all of us Kevin, we all did. Longer M's, more kids, way less money, no jobs, bad health problems, worse situations by far in some cases....somehow we ALL learned that we had to recreate what we could with WHAT IS, not what once was, or might have been....and It has been 'your turn' to do the same, for some time now... [/b]
And as CG says, you should stop the way you bypass the deeper questions, and pretend not to notice or grasp the meaning of our real questions, so you can just change channels and say "we are now turning on the superficial and SAFE for discussion, "Food channel!"....what gives with that behavior?
Kevin, can you make a prayer to God that does not include the word "wife" or the desire for getting her back? just ONE prayer that doesn't include your wants/needs about her?
If not, think about why that is.
You know how unattractive, ineffective and counter productive it is, so what's up with still doing it?
It' why we say, "you don't get it". So yeah, I think you need serious c, and don't see how on earth the AA meetings could hurt you at all. I still feel that way. When I see these posts of yours, I feel it more.
Good luck, Kevin, and listen WELL to Faithfulh and not just the "happy parts" okay? his story was a long tough one, not all happy and go lucky...same with me and mine, and we are all works in progress as are our marriages, if we are lucky. Patience, and acceptance of what IS, and dealing with what IS, is NOT a lack of faith. It's a healthy response to life and reflects faith that God WILL be with YOU, regardless of her choices....
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I took my girls out for pizza since I got back so late from talking with my priest. The chicken will be cooked tonight.
25,
I understand what you are saying. I was talking about other stuff such as what I am making for dinner to start focusing on other things. It was just my way of looking at other stuff going on that I can get excited about instead of talking about the obvious situation. It was a bit of a practice excercise for me to not focus on one thing.
Today is a beautiful day. The sun is out shining. God made it a lovely day. My dad closes on his house today in Florida and then he will head to Charlotte where he will hang out with my sister and her family for a while so that he can figure out what he wants to do with his life next.
Day 1.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Everytime we bring up YOU and what you need to do for YOU as far as solution based counseling goes you tell us about what you are cooking or what you ate for lunch.
I am sorry, I am not knocking your faith and I am glad you do have faith but IMO you are using your faith/religion to avoid doing the real work you need to do on you.
You still talk about your W each day, almost each post. You just transfer one thing to the next... C'ing, AA, religion, BA job and nothing really gets done. It seems by you having faith in your religion (good thing) you feel you dont have to do the actual work that religion cannot provide you.
You must begin to live your life as if you are already divorced. I feel that is the only way you will get anywhere. And I dont mean go date or sleep with women, I mean live your life as a divorced man who chooses to remain single but is all on his own with your W NEVER coming back.
Its hard to keep up with you because you jump around so much, ignore the questions and answer with faith based responses, ignore the questions and tell us about your meals or you babble about your W and how to attract her back.
I am sort of at a loss on what else to say to you. I think everybody is.
Kevin - I can't agree more with what CG has written here. I actually think you should go have lunch or dinner with a woman. Not romantic or anything like that - just as friends. I did that and took me right out of my funk. You have to recognize that life goes on. And that you will attract members of the opposite sex and that you do have something to offer women.
I think FIB pointed out to me early in my sitch that maybe 5% of us save our M's. That hit me like a ton of bricks.
Everyone here is telling you the same thing - DETACH. Lovingly Detach. We can't all be wrong, right? LOL.
Bro, it is hard. I think it's incredibly noble that you are standing by your W, and love her so much. That's awesome and says a ton about your character. But at some point, you need to focus on YOU. And i'm not talking about cooking meals., I'm talking about living. You need to start living again. Bro, I'm telling you that your W will never see you as attractive if she even has a hint of what everyone else sees here.
Let go of the rope....Detach....Get busy living...
You can handle it.
Mules
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
However, I am not interested in finding someone else of the opposite sex. I didn't make a covenant with someone else for life.
Perhaps the number of returning S's is so low because so many people give up to early. Sometimes it takes years and years for things to turn around. Also, maybe they did not continue to pray and turn to God and be faithful and make him #1 during that time. I don't know. I don't have any idea what other people's situations and beliefs are. I just know what mine are.
Lovingly detach, yes. Live my life right now, yes. Give up, no. Does Jesus give up on us? No, he doesn't. Am I hiding behind religion? No. Do I need to focus on it more for me? Yes. But to quit praying for that person whom I will not mention, I can't do that. To quit standing in the gap for my prodigal, I can't do that.
Build my life as it is right now, yes. Much work to be done there. Lose my faith in God's promises, no.
Free will, free will, free will. Yes, God gives everyone free will. However, that doesn't mean he can't and won't influence people. I give you Saul who was converted to Paul. I give you Jonah who refused and ran from God. Did not a whale swallow him up and still take him where God wanted him? Could these people have still chosen their free will? Yes, they could have. But God was able to persuade them to do His will. So to say that God can't or won't intervene is a lack of faith in prayer. I think that God expects us to stand in the gap no matter what and keep praying and having faith in him to restore our M's since we made a covenant with him. A lot of times that requires a great deal of patience which I am having to learn and changing on my part. This isn't running to God to get out of having to work on me. It is turning to God in faith and also asking that he change me by providing the resources I need to do his will and be the H I need to be and father I need to be and Christian I need to be. It also means not seeking comfort in man, but in God. The bible says cursed is the man who seeks comfort in men and blessed is the man who seeks comfort in God. Obviously that is something that I am having to work on as to not seek comfort in my W but seek it in God. It is a growing process and part of faith.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
The thing is, Kevin, you have NOT detached and you have not even started to even try and detach. That is the crux of the issue that we are all trying to point out to you on a daily/hourly basis.
You still wondering where your W is going and what she is doing is not being detached. You still have emotional breakdowns of some sort when ya'll exchange the kids is not detaching. You are still thinking (if not saying it to her) about MC so you are not detached. You constantly saying she doesnt care about you or notice anything is not being detached. Just the other day you said how much better thing would be if you and your W would have been together to help each other out when your D was sick. Again, not detached. You are a single father right now but your first thought was your W and not how to find a solution as a single dad. That is not detachement.
So you say you *are* detacing when in fact you have not even started to. And that is where the solutions based C'ing comes in. Standing for your marriage is fine if that is your choice and doing so from a religious standpoint is fine if you so choose but you do need to add another element in the mix that will provide you with structured solutions and goals that have nothing to do with religion. That was the entire point of the C you saw or AA.
I still stand by my observation that you have chosen religion as your foundation so you can avoid the solution aspect of building a new you. There is a way to incorporate the two and have a far better outcome for YOU.
And I dont think its an unreasonable question to ask your priest... if he supports you standing from your marriage from a religious standpoint why he is not supporting you to seek out solution based counseling for YOU as an individual? IMO religion is a wonderful life foundation but does not provide you with the solution based help you need - IMO, once again, its avoidance on your part.
