A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Rough day, lots of roadblocks though mostly related to jobs and apartments, not H. Reached out to a few friends, people I thought were 'both of our' friends but have found doors slammed in my face, metaphorically speaking. It's been enough to get me down to where I feel like the universe is against me, it will never work, etc.

Time to take a walk and fix my attitude.

[givingitmyall]

Time to talk a walk and fix my attitude.

Great idea!

Keep your head up. The job issue is a WHOLE easier to fix than our M's. Dwell on the positives from the weekend. Use them as the motivation to achieve more.

[Dia]

Quick check in...

Lots more job stuff for me today - busy, busy. H is off to work and my FIL is here to watch the kidlet. Things between H and I are easy, comfortable and growing warmer. He touched me ever so lightly on the shoulder yesterday, and we had some very warm, companionable time both reading under a blanket on the couch together. We were listening to that CD I mentioned earlier, and when it stopped, he grabbed the remote to make it play through again - that's a bit unlike him, and it seemed to be a positive sign. I was writing in my journal and I tore a page out to write him a little love note. Nothing too heavy, just a hand-drawn image of a candle flame and the words 'warm - how I'm feeling about you.' I folded it origami style and he asked what I was doing. "Seat of my pants origami" was the reply. By the time I got it all folded, a few things had interrupted the moment so I put it in my pocket. I'm sure he was wondering what it was.

This morning, he came and tucked the blankets around me on the couch and tucked a stuffed bunny in with me - very sweet. I sleepily told him there was a note for him in the pocket of my jeans in the closet. He found it, then came back to sit on the arm of the couch with his feet tucked under the edge of my blanket. He likes the intricacy and mystery of complexly folded notes, and regular love-notes were part of our courtship. In college, even if we didn't see each other on campus, we always found the other one's car and left love notes under the wipers or slipped through the windows we left open a bit for ventilation.

When he got it open, he gave a very melty "Awwwwwwww!" Then he cooed a bit over the calligraphy, the drawing style, etc. There was the barest suggestion of a heart shape in the middle of the candle flame. I really wanted to tell him ILY, but the note was as far as I was willing to go.

[Dia]

ok, so what's between LRT and Piecing? I'm not sure we're precisely in LRT anymore but we're not in Piecing either. I have been walking a fine line between not pursuing and trying to fill his love tank. And yeah, the note was pure pursuing - but it *worked*. And some of the other small things I've done have been working, too.

So at the moment, filling the love tank drop by drop seems to be working. He's responding and warming to me. I can't push it too fast but I feel pretty strongly that some of the DB techniques will make him feel rejected and unwanted...

Don't mind me... just my usual flailing about. I think I'm doing pretty well all things considered - but suggestions and knocks upside the head are always welcome!

[givingitmyall]

Welcome to limboland. I am the nwly appointed mayor!

All kidding aside, sounds like we are at the same plave. My struggle now is not pushing too hard.

[mac-ct]

but I feel pretty strongly that some of the DB techniques will make him feel rejected and unwanted

I agree with you from the bottom of my heart.

It take a huge leap of faith. And then you realize that this "stuff" isn't just created for an audience. It's made up of wonderful people who have been there, done that.

I've just this morning started doing something that I just knew was against every fiber of my being. And made it through the day. And thought about it. And ruminated. And finally saw that it was the right thing to do.

That doesn't mean blindly following the "plan". Just give it a little time. Have patience. See if it works. Take that leap of faith.

Hugs to you and yours Dai.

I'm going off now to vote for GIMA.

You know Alaska is up for grabs mate?

A very patriotic Mac

[Coach]

I can't push it too fast but I feel pretty strongly that some of the DB techniques will make him feel rejected and unwanted...

Like what specifically? If you can understand and think thru the techniques it helps and you might be right in your feelings. So think thru it first, bounce ideas off here if you have reservations.

Cheers

[Dia]

Hi, Coach,

It has to do with initiating/not initiating, I think. Example: In the DB mindset, initiating, whether it's initiating (or asking for) a hug, walking over to sit on the couch with him, asking for something that sounds like a date, writing that love note - all of that has to do with initiating signs of interest/love/affection, which looks like pursuit. DB says "don't pursue - it drives them away". In my sitch, it appears that gentle, low-pressure 'pursuit' is drawing him in.

What works (in my sitch) from DB is all of the stuff about being upbeat, looking great, agreeing, GAL etc. But one of our problems was a complete breakdown of initiation on both sides. Both of us were so afraid to be hurt, that we stopped reaching out to each other - with the predictable effect that we both just felt more and more hurt, unwanted, unloved, etc.

So it seems to me, that I need to show him there's cheese in this tunnel. The conundrum is how to give him tantalizing whiffs of cheese without letting whole wheel roll over him and crush him.

Example: with the origami note, a straight out "I love you" might have been too much, and therefore scary to him. But simply saying I felt warm... He was touched, he glowed. So it's a dance of quantity and timing. I also made sure it was an 'I" statement, something he can't argue with, and something that didn't pressure for a response.

I don't have the DB book with me, so I can't cite chapter and verse. I didn't want to risk leaving it out and him finding it, so I left it back home.

Another example - There's a pizza place I really love up here and before I go home, I really wanted to have some of their pizza. Yes, I could go by myself or take the kidlet, but I also wanted all of us to go. So while we were discussing what to do for dinner, I said "You know, I'd like some Rusty's at some point while I'm here. I can't cover the whole thing, but I could cover half. Eat-in or delivery, either one would be fine."

Him: Rusty's delivers?

Me: Yep.

Him(very decisive and enthusiastic): Let's do it!

If you look at my wording very carefully, I never asked him what he wanted, nor did I ask if we could go out for pizza. Those are yes/no options where yes could seem like a capitulation, giving in, letting me control him, doing something just because *I* want it, etc. The very low-key phrasing seems to be taking the pressure out of it for him.

Am I making any sense?

[Dia]

More thoughts...

Here's what's been guiding my actions. In somebody's thread, I read that their DB coach asked them "If you knew, if you absolutely knew for certain, that in 30 days H would be home, loving you and wanting the marriage to work, how would that change things for you?"

I think the thing the coach is after is for the fear-based begging/pleading/demanding to stop. But for me, it goes a lot further than that.

If I knew...

I wouldn't be afraid, I wouldn't feel rejected or unwanted, I would be happy, hopeful, open, playful and loving.

Would I obsess about about the OW, snoop through his stuff or fret myself to death every time there was a call on his cell? Nope, because she'll be gone in 30 days. Ergo, she's no threat.

Would I go to a movie (by myself), get a hair cut, try new makeup, new recipes, go for a walk on the beach (alone) etc.? Yep, because even if he wants some space right now, there will be plenty of time for 'together stuff' in 30 days.

Would I wash the dishes for him, take his glasses to be fixed or bring him coffee in the morning? You betcha!

Would I relax and enjoy time without fretting/being disappointed/wanting more (in a bad or pouty way). Yep - because 'more' is just around the corner. Abundance mentality!

Would I flirt a bit. Yep!

Would I do sweet little things like leaving love notes, chocolates, etc. Yep.

Would I take the chance of offering affection, such as holding his hand or a touch on the shoulder? Yes, I would. If he rejects it, it's fine. It will all be ok in 30 days so I can be patient and take the small rejections if there are any.

Would I ML if he seemed interested? Yep!!

So this 30 day thing takes all the fear out of things for me. No fear = confidence! No fear = freedom to express love.

In the DR book, it says that when you're considering your actions, you should ask yourself if the thing you're considering will move your R ahead or set it back. Ok, well - sometimes I don't know! Will this love note move us ahead or set us back? I have no freakin' clue.

What's working better for me is to ask myself if I would do this if I *knew* he would be back in 30 days. If the answer's yes, then I ask if it's too much, too soon or it the timing is bad. If *that* answer is yes, I ask myself if I can tone it down or hold it for a better time. Would I write this love note if I knew he'd be back in 30 days? Hell yes! Is it too much, too soon? Hmm, yeah, probably. Can I tone it down? Yes, I can.

It may not be textbook DB, but it's working.

[Coach]

If it works keep it.

Detaching is letting go of the outcome. So if you knew....... that you will be fine no matter what the outcome, how would you act?

One little question got all that thinking in motion. Cool.


Cheers