K4D Rising #4

[davidswife]

Kevin,

Please re-read and re-read Stuck's post and THINK ABOUT IT!!

You can't go even one day without some variation of: Why won't my wife come back? When will my wife come back? And on and on ad nauseum.

Why won't you focus on what you CAN control -- you, instead of continually focusing on what you CAN'T control -- your wife? Is that just more safe for you -- just to continually moan and groan and question -- then you don't have to work on your issues?

Stacy

[mulesqb]

I think one thing that crossed my mind this morning is I feel like I have nothing to offer W. She doesn't need me financially. She does far better than I do financially. She has no lack of guys showing interest in her that she can pick who she wants.

All I have to offer is unconditional love and support and that seems to be of no interest to her.

I'm not sure what else I can bring to the table other than what I said and that I am the father of our kids.

Kevin

Hey K - Wow! I have only been posting to you for a few days. Actually started ion Orich's thread. You came across on his thread as very confident, self assured, focused and strong. When I read your posts here, I see the complete opposite. I'm not into 2x4's but you're as close as I've been to throwing some.

Listen, go read your posts to others. They are awesome. Now imagine you were on my thread and I just wrote what you wrote. What would you say to me???

Detach bro!! It's the hardest part, especially when you still love your wife. It doesn't mean that because you detach you don't love her any more. Not at all. I'm afraid that if you are giving even a sniff of the guy that's posting here, it's going to be a major turnoff. I know you don't have much interaction but bro, you need to work on yourself. Now!!

No she doesn't need you financially. So what! Would you want her to want you because of that?? Who would want to be with someone for that reason?

What you bring to the table is a handsome, honest, family man with great core values, integrity and class, who is a lot stronger than any one can imagine right now becuase he is dealing with a fight of his lifetime head on.

Kevin it's time. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and take care of you!! Get busy living.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

[K4D]

I think what you are seeing if me advising people that I have found who have more hope than they realize. I am trying to keep them from getting to the point where I got in my M. It is easy to see other people's situations and look at it and say, there are things there that you still have to work with. You are not as bad off as you think. So I try and hit them off before they take it further down the drain. The things I am advising them of are things I wish myself that I would have done earlier on before it got this bad.

I also find that it helps me to help those other people.

As everyone says, mine teaches you what not to do by how bad off it is now. I am not doing any of those things anymore. But it is a long road back from all the mistakes I made in this process. That doesn't mean it is impossible. I think with God and me doing what I need to even mine can be restored. It just is not going to be a quick turn around at all barring a miracle from the big guy above.

But you are right. I am in the fight of my life. I have never had a bigger fight in my life. And I am taking it head on, but I could still be doing much better in my PMA and GAL.

Kevin

[K4D]

I got this off the rejoice ministries website today. It is very inspirational to me.

Who Am I?

"The LORD turned to him and said, "Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian's hand. Am I not sending you?" "But Lord, "Gideon asked, "how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family." The LORD answered, "I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites together." Judges 6:14-16

How many times have you asked God the very same thing that Gideon asked? Who am I? How can I save my family? I am weak. I am flawed. I am not worthy. I am the least important person in my beloved's life right now. Even my own family thinks I'm crazy. I don't think I can do this God. What does He answer? Go in the strength you have. I will be with you.

When you look at the huge set of circumstances you face, don't forget to look at your God; because He is right there with you offering His strong right hand to get you through. He's not just walking beside you; He's fighting for you. There is example after example in the Bible of what God's people can do when God is fighting for them. Look at Joshua and the walls of Jericho. Look at David and the Philistine, Goliath. Look at Hezekiah or Deborah or Nehemiah. Look at Gideon.

God's challenge to Gideon came at a time when Israel was once again at the bottom. The Midianites had been oppressing the Israelites, running raids from the hills, stealing their livestock and grain. They had even been forced to thresh their wheat in an area hidden from the marauders. In fact, this is exactly where Gideon was when the angel appeared to him - threshing his wheat in a winepress pit, hiding.

Are you down in that pit right now? Are you hiding from what God wants you to do? Do you have fear of your circumstances or fear of what other people will think or fear of failing? Do you feel like the odds against you are too great? Look at what God gave Gideon to work with!

"But the LORD said to Gideon, "There are still too many men...The LORD said to Gideon, "With the three hundred men that lapped I will save you and give the Midianites into your hands. Let all the other men go, each to his own place." Judges 7:4,7

So God takes Gideon's army of 22,000 men and reduces it to 300. Can't you just hear Gideon now? If he protested that he was "the least" when the angel first spoke to him, can you imagine what he's thinking right now? I'm sure that warfare protocol at the time did not say take 300 men to fight thousands. But God did not want the Israelites to boast of their own strength. He wanted to show them His strength.

Are you facing overwhelming odds? Do you feel outnumbered and outmanned? Do you feel like you are facing an impossible battle? Is your heart's cry "Who am I Lord?" God wants you to know that impossible is not a word in His dictionary. He wants you to know that as He calls you, He equips you. He wants you to know that He has placed that promise in your heart and is ready to fight for you. He wants you to know that you can do this in His strength.

"With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall." Psalm 18:29

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

Now we have Gideon with his army of 300, his empty jars with torches inside, and his trumpets. He's getting ready to fight the Midianites. He has stepped over that faith line after a couple of "fleece" incidents but he still has fear. God knows this. There is a little bit of that "Who am I Lord" still left in Gideon's heart. So God allows him to overhear the dream that one of the Midianites had about the sword of Gideon. This is that final push that Gideon needed to step over that faith line and stay there.

God wants us to believe in His restoration promises but He knows how hard it is sometimes. So along the way, while we are saying, "Who am I Lord?" He gives us little nuggets of gold. He gives us the wet fleece and the dry fleece. He gives us the dreams and the visions. He shows us what is in the hearts of the ones we pray for. The whole time He is saying to us, "Go in the strength you have. I will be with you."

"Gideon and the hundred men with him reached the edge of the camp at the beginning of the middle watch, just after they had changed the guard. They blew their trumpets and broke the jars that were in their hands. The three companies blew the trumpets and smashed the jars. Grasping the torches in their left hands and holding in their right hands the trumpets they were to blow, they shouted, "A sword for the LORD and for Gideon!" While each man held his position around the camp, all the Midianites ran, crying out as they fled." Judges 7:19-21

Just as God gave this impossible victory to Gideon, so He will give us victory. Who are we? We are the men and women God has called to stand in the gap and pray for our families and our spouses. We are the men and women joined together to pray for the salvation of those we love. We are the Christians united in God's strength set to accomplish seemingly impossible tasks against overwhelming odds. We are the Gideons and God is with us.

"Then King David went in and sat before the LORD, and he said: "Who am I, O LORD God, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far? And as if this were not enough in your sight, O God, you have spoken about the future of the house of your servant. You have looked on me as though I were the most exalted of men, O LORD God. "What more can David say to you for honoring your servant? For you know your servant, O LORD. For the sake of your servant and according to your will, you have done this great thing and made known all these great promises." 1 Chronicles 17:16-19

Kevin

[Eye of the Tiger]

Kevin,
I read your post above.You mentioned advising people who have more hope than you have.We all have a chance.In your sitch your D was dismissed.Is that not a good thing as you told me?I've read that seps. generally end in D but not in all cases.A decent percentage do end up reconciling.My W right now has prety much told me to either do the D or Sep.I still feel pressured by this.She is having the sep. drawn up as we speak.As I mentioned in my post in my heart I don't want a divorce but can't stop her right now.I can delay it though.Does it help me in the long run?I don't know.I know that it is killing me right now .My W does a lot better than me financially also which means I have more to gain if she does file for D.Keep your head high.Even though other sitchs may look like they have more hope that is not necessararily
true.We can support each other here but in the end it is up to you what to do.

[K4D]

EOTT,

Perhaps I should have said appear to have more hope. But I see what you are saying and agree.

Kevin

[MrBond]

I hope you got more than just "inspired" by your quote.

Did you actually read it carefully? It pretty much says that God will help you, but YOU have to help yourself first. Same as what everyone here has been telling you.

Examples:

""Go in the strength you have. I will be with you.""
"He is right there with you offering His strong right hand to get you through."

""With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall." Psalm 18:29"

"He gives us little nuggets of gold."

Start really reading things.

When you said this to mulesqb..."As everyone says, mine teaches you what not to do by how bad off it is now. I am not doing any of those things anymore." I couldn't believe it.

You are doing the exact same things you have done. Don't believe me, then reread your post earlier today. All of the things you posted about how you haven't moved in your sitch and it's an example of what not to do, etc. The fact is that you're still doing them and STILL expecting the sitch to turn out differently.

[25yearsmlc]

My audio book Codependent No more arrives tomorrow. I am looking forward to going through that.

I do believe that she will come back at some point. I just have my down moments.

It's Monday so I am heading out to talk to my priest again in a couple of hours.

Kevin

Kevin, It's a lot more than down moments...when you question what you offer your wife, you are asking yourself questions that were asked of you months ago, and that should have been addressed the first month of DBing.

We asked you to think about it, so that you could work on THAT b/c it's such a huge part of GAL. Finding things that make you interestING to others and interestED in others....hobbies, being into current events-join a current events club and learn from others-classes-developing yourself as a human AND last but not least getting the type of c that would lift your self esteem. LEARNING HOW TO BE HAPPY all on your own.... All so that you become the best man you can be, and bring more to the table to your wife, so she'd see that M to you now would be different than before. Remember those conversations at all?

Regardless, Anyone who feels he offers nothing to a woman "but love" is not offering much more than a charming homeless man. This is why we said the meetings and the c were so needed for you. Your self image sucks.

And that self image gets projected ALL the time in your posts here, and probably in your interactions with your wife, which you describe here, and which sound as if they come off as very needy and a big turn off.

So as much praying as you do, it does seem to focus a whole lot on her and for HER heart to change. How about praying that He guide YOU to become a man only a fool would leave and then you do whatever it takes, to learn how to be that man? There are resources God put out there for you; use them even if they make you uncomfortable. I mean, I specifically recall asking you months ago-- "what are you bringing to the table as a man?" and that question got nowhere.....it was forgotten other than your discussion/focus on money on occasion, and then today it's as if a light bulb went off and you declare now, that you are "bringing nothing to the table..." come on Kevin...

This is a statement, with content ONLY YOU control. Does that make sense? Do you see how only you can change the answer to that question? And you've had the time to do it.
I'm not much of a prayer "leader" so pardon me if I screw this up, but I'm sincerely asking....how about this one?

"Holy Father we ask that Kevin find guidance in your Word and Love for him; may he keep his focus, and not be lead astray by worries of yesterday or tomorrow, or by the enemies ways that point to jealousy, fear, and criticism. May Kevin receive your guidance with an open heart and mind; we pray that he opens his heart and mind to all that you send him as tools for guidance and strength, and that you strengthen him in his quest to be the best man he can be, so that he may become the man, husband and father You want him to become...and we ask this in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit..."

Good luck and God bless,
j-

[K4D]

Stuck,

What I meant is I am not bugging W anymore. I am giving her the space she needs. I completely leave her alone now. I was very cheerful and confident last night when I picked up the kids even in the face of seeing her not give a crap that I am there.

She had mentioned earlier that she had let down her guard and it was a mistake because I brought up MC after she told me she was going to finish the D.

Now her guard is back up and has been ever since. Another stupid mistake on my part. I won't do that again and I haven't done it since. But contact is now limited to the exchange of the kids for pushing that.

But I got the message loud and clear. She cannot say that I am a problem for her anymore. I need to become a benefit to her now. But I can only do that by benefiting myself first.

I'm not going to got through the list of things again I have been doing. I am doing stuff other than just hanging out with friends.

I have enough self esteem to know that I could find someone else. But I am not looking to find someone else. I guess my self esteem does come into question when it comes to attracting W back after all the horrid mistakes I have made.

25,

Thank you for the prayer. And yes, I do pray each day that God changes me to be the Christian man, husband and father that I need to be. It is not at all relegated to just changing my W's heart.

I ask for strength, wisdom, guidance and to personally change me and do whatever it takes to change me so that my M can be restored and under God. I also pray for other standers and my family and friends, etc. I thank God for what he has blessed me with and I ask for forgiveness for the things I have done wrong among other things. I pray that he be with my kids each day and give them strength and guide them.

But yes, I need to bring more to the table. So I am working on that. I am exploring new things. I like to cook. I like learning how to dance. I like excercising and going on hikes. I'm not much of a TV watcher unless it is sports. But I have been getting back into movies with FaithfulH and I am enjoying those. I do a lot of listening to and reading of the bible. I prayed for some time that God would lead me to the church I should be at and I think he has. To my surprise W hasn't really met me with any resistance to it like I thought she would. She doesn't want anything to do with it. But she hasn't threatened me like she did months ago.

I also fast, but I do not telling anyone when I am as that is supposed to be private between me and God.

I have to get my inspection done on my car this weekend. I can't forget that again.

Kevin

[davidswife]

Stuck

I have enough self esteem to know that I could find someone else. But I am not looking to find someone else. I guess my self esteem does come into question when it comes to attracting W back after all the horrid mistakes I have made

Kevin

Kevin, self-esteem is not about finding someone else. It's not about attracting your wife back. You're a broken record, my wife, my wife, my wife, blah, blah, blah.