I'm sorry to hear that there's trouble in paradise. I'm with Kat on this one, go back to what works!
Here are some things that came to mind when I was reading, JMO:
- You might want to think about re-reading passionate marriage and thinking about bf's ML problem in that context...
- If you get into another one of these arguments/discussions, it's totally OK for you to stop and say, "hey, I need to take a walk to clear my head" and just stop before it devolves anymore. Don't keep going once it starts to devolve. Don't keep pressing for the resolution you want. It's not going to happen when you guys are already upset.
- Some of your questions in the above discussion made me think that BF is confessing so much to you so quickly, that it doesn't seem productive for you to push for more answers.
- I would avoid making statements like "maybe you shouldn't have dived in" or "maybe you shouldn't have stayed in the situation as long as you did." As long as you're spelling it out for him like that, he can struggle with you instead of struggling with himself. And he needs to struggle with these things himself. He needs to come to these conclusions himself and you trying to facilitate it will only slow things down.
Thankyou girls, thankyou.. I am struggling and you rally have helped, I am on my way over to him now.
T, I simplified the discussion and I know you are right, I shouldnt spell things out, but I guess I was a bit angry at him!! Amazing, but I just thought.. jeez, cut me some slack, I went trhough hell and its still not easy being with you and yes, you DID f*ck up!! We both had had a few drinks too.. never a good idea!!! I said, lets not talk now, and he said, no, lets do it now.. so next time, I will be more firm and say lets leave it there? I have to run, but I am sure I will post more tommorow, I have a feeling we will have more air to clear this weekend!
sweet A, you are welcome ((((A))))) megahugs to ye!!! I'm glad that you found what I wrote helpful.
I think the reason I noticed that you might want to think about walking away from the convo is that it's something I'm having to learn myself. When I talk to my friends about my decisions about my future, career, location, etc sometimes I really keep trying to explain it to them even when the vibe is disconnected. This past weekend I actually had the self-awareness to not continue an unproductive conversation along these lines and I was really proud of myself. Trust me, it will feel good when you do it too!!!!
And it's a DB classic technique... strike when the iron is cold
also ... from seven lessons from making marriage work by john gottman... same idea.
I think that you guys will need to grapple with this stuff, but trying to do so when you're tired or tipsy or pissy or whatever, unless you're in the presence an amazing therapist, I wouldn't recommend it.
try to have some low-key fun together to build up a cushion for good times.
Sorry things are a bit difficult at the moment, Al. I agree with T's advice on walking away and the other comments about not maybe 'maybe you could/should have....' statements to BF. I think he'll come to those realisations in his own time and your suggesting things to him just gives him the opportunity to not look into himself for answers....
I would definitely not worry about swine flu for now- the strain isn't that virulent and the media is definitely blowing things out of proportion. A pandemic is just an infection that is present across the world- the term doesn't mean a disease is very dangerous although the media seems to have interpreted it, and is presenting it as such. The common cold could be called a pandemic, as could AIDS, gonorrhea, tuberculosis and lots of other illnesses (because they are commonly accepted to be present though they are usually referred to as endemic). This is bringing out my inner science geek so I'll stop there, but there's really no reason to worry....
I was thinking about what I wrote last time and I realized that Schnarck discusses it really well in passionate marriage. specifically page 349 (last bullet point) and the self-soothing strategies on p. 350 and also the "promote yourself" bullet point on p. 352.
basically it boils down to, "you break contact with your partner for brief periods of self-soothing, focusing on other interests to replenish yourself, and then renew your efforts to regain connection with your partner".
I was also thinking about how you wrote that BF brought up the topic. I can TOTALLY understand wanting to talk about that stuff if he brought it up. But I still think the operative words here are: proceed with caution. Even if he brings it up, you can still excuse yourself and take a break when things start to devolve.
And you've used this strategy before, in the very beginning! when you started to feel overwhelmed you excused yourself and went to the bathroom. this is the same thing, just that you can take breaks for longer periods of time.
Sorry for the hiccup, but the advice from the ladies is very sound.
Don't try to solve everything in one setting - the books are very clear on this front. Instead, stop it, accept what gains have been made, and move on to another subject (knowing you may have to physically leave in order to "stop" the current conversation).
This is another example as to why the reconciliation stage is so difficult. You are naturally excited to be where you are w/another shot at things and naturally you'd like to clean it up as soon as you can and get moving forward.
Just don't try to "build all of Rome in one day."
I know that advice "sucks" and isn't what we'd all like to hear, but patience and baby steps are what's needed now. BF has come back, but he's full of guilt and is still depressed. He needs time to work his way out of his hole...and you need time for yourself too.
He's inching along while you'd like to see him sprinting. It is the old "walk before run" thing, so give him his little chunks of progress. The entire wall will eventually come down if you keep taking little pieces out of it.
As for your EA, do whatever you can to answer his questions and reassure him of your committment to him. It is obvious it still bothers him, so make sure you continue to be up-front (as you have been) when he brings it up.
It is easy to get frustrated w/his repeated discussings of the whole EA, but it takes real love to allow him to ask and for you to continue to calmly and openly answer his questions...even if you've answered them over and over again.
In books on affairs, they say that the one who "cheated" will have to live w/the insecurities of the one who was "cheated on" for a long, long while and possibly be faced w/the occasional insecurity for the rest of your time together. He's showing his insecurity over your EA now, so steel yourself to "prove" your commitment to him.
Now, he'll have his own dance w/the "insecurity Devil" soon enough over his issue w/Helen, but that will come in time. I'm not sure he can handle his own insecurities about your EA and his actions w/Helen at the same time. You are the better judge of that, so keep watching for signs that it is ok or not ok to bring up Helen and him.
You know how to find me right? I think nothing you describe is odd, I think all these were to be expected and IMO you are doing a great job handling everything. You will be fine and I will give 2 speeches in the end K
Hello everyone, thank you SOO much.. I wanted to post back to you all, but I was so busy catching up with others, I ran out of time. I get no time to myself these days, haha!
In the meantime, till I can post some more.. thanks so much for your suggestions, I really took them on borad. Like tonight, I felt down, so I kind of hid it and stepped away after a few words and was bright and jolly and said I had stuff to do, left him to have an evening in and now I am refreshed and heading back.
We had a big drama on Saturday.. I found lots of photos of Helen, well, maybe a dozen.. but in different events.. Bonfire night (that was hard, I stayed in, missed him so much it nearly killed me and he was down the road at a do with her).. the Tall Ships (ditto, I ended up going by myself, sensing he was nearby. I felt SO alone that day, he was there with her).. a night out at dinner.. her dressed up, he said she texted him that one for some reason, I said, you mustve thought she looked nice..
On and on, it was awful, seriously. I thought of DBing and planned to put the ipod down and not tell him (he had deleted everything off the PC/camera, but downloiaded it to the ipod, I didnt ask why).. but this involuntary scream/sob came out of me! So he bounded downstairs ina panic.. whats wrong, whats wrong !!??? So I told him...
He was VERY reassuring, sorry, just mortified basically. He hasnt stopped huggijng and kissing me since. We had alot of talks about her then and he says he wasnt happy, but thought he was for a short time. It was probably a good thing I found them as he told me I am 'better' than her in every way and that he loves me so much and that it nearly killed him to be apart from me.
he said some more general stuff anbout his state of mind too, as a WAS, I will psot some more, but I have to go for now!! Miss you all guys. Piecing is very very very hard. But there are lots of lovely bits, believe me, adn thanks for stickign with me! Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
