A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

It sounds like you handled this very well. Just remember (and in the back of my head, a little voice says "pot, calling kettle") NO EXPECTATIONS. NONE.

(and I really do value the small stuff, I'm just struggling with wanting more, or at least a clear indicator of where we stand. I'm also reaping karma tho, so I guess I hafta take my lumps.)

Wanting more IS EXPECTATIONS, and it's something I, too, struggle with. And it will sap your strentgh and make you nuts. B/c this process is going to take a while. I am not saying it is wrong or unexpected to want more.

So, I'm not criticizing you. I'm just identifying something that can create problems for you that is something with which I also battle.

It was Puppy who said yesterday "Slow and steady wins the race."

You are doing great, just keep it slow. Think marathon, not sprint.

[Dia]

Thanks, for this, GIMA. I reinforced the message by writing it in my journal as well.

Morning updates:

H woke up looking bleary eyed and acting conflicted. I made coffee and gave him space. I heard him quietly telling the kidlet that "You and I are going to the D-'s house for Sunday breakfast." Kidlet asked if I would be coming and he said no. Initially, I was hurt again because the D-'s are/were good family friends to both of us and I really loved their regular Sunday breakfasts. I kept my game face on and didn't react. Sip coffee, read book.

So then H came over and sat on the couch with me. "There's a breakfast at the D-'s this morning and I wanted to talk to you about it. I was thinking it would be awkward if you went but I didn't want you to feel left out."

I said it would be fine if he and kidlet went by themselves. I'd love to see the D-'s but I'd be perfectly happy staying home if my being there would ruin the breakfast for him by making things things tense.

"So you want to go, then?" he asked. I said yes, I'd like to go, but I'd be happy either way. I wouldn't be angry or upset with him if they went alone, and if I went I'd just enjoy the morning and not take it as any sort of 'sign'.

He sort of tried to say it would be the D-'s who would feel awkward, but I said I'd seen Mrs. D on my last trip and things seemed perfectly comfortable. I reiterated that it was ok either way. Then he invited me to go! And after telling kidlet pretty directly that I wouldn't be going.

We had a great time with the D-'s, told stories, laughed and everything was perfectly comfortable. After breakfast, we sat on their back patio, chatted, read the paper while the kids played in the garden and hot tub. Toward the end, there was talk about the the D-'s taking their kids to the beach and kidlet wanted to go, too. H turned right to me and asked if I wanted to come.

I actually begged off because I have job apps and essays to write, but one of the D-'s said that a certain person would be at the beach who would be a great contact for me, lots of friends in my field, etc. D suggested that I go home to work on my job stuff and if that person was down at the beach, he'd call me so I could come down to network.

On the walk back to the house, kidlet ran ahead while H and I chatted lightly about various gardens we were passing, somebody's house for sale, etc. The only reference I made to the breakfast was to say "That was fun." He said "Yes, it was."

And then when we got back to the house, he looked at me sort of like it was the first time he'd seen me all day and remarked that he really liked my blouse. He's seen it and complimented it before, but this is the first compliment on how I look that he's given me this trip. There were several last trip, but just the one so far this time.

I'm completely amazed. I have to not get my hopes up, tho. I know he will contract again after this - I just don't know how soon or how hard.

BTW, I know I've cut way back on posting to other people's threads. It's not lack of interest - it's having to keep the DB site under wraps. I will get back to all of you when I leave here. Thank you for all of your support and kindness!!

[givingitmyall]

Sounds like it went well and, most importantly, you handled it well - perfectly really, right down to not going to the beach.

Great job. He will contact again. Just let him drive the boat on that.

[mac-ct]

Dia,

I'm just about to nod off for the night (22:30 in Cape Town).

I'm so happy to have a good story (yours) to go to sleep with.

You did good.

Mac

[pearlharbr]

Dia,

Just an observation: you seem to be really wrapped up in how your every action and reaction will affect your H. I understand that DBing is done with the thought of saving your R, but it won't work if you're just doing things to save the R.

I haven't heard anything about you doing fun GAL things for yourself. Are you spending time with friends in H's town while you're there? Or going to places that you enjoy?

First and foremost DBing is about making you a better person regardless of the outcome.

I'm happy that things seem to be going well for you, just want you to be sure of your motivations.

[Dia]

Hi, Pearl,

Yep, I'm doing my GAL stuff, too, including job hunting, looking for apartments, cooking, reading, seeing movies, visiting places I like (by myself), etc.

The reason for the play-by-play is as much for myself as for you guys because I have a tendency to read too much into the negative stuff and discount the good stuff. Writing it down forces me to process the good and helps me keep my PMA. It also helps me observe and keep track of what works and what doesn't.

Cheers!

Dia

[Dia]

oooooh! H just walked by eating the last piece of the chocolates I bought him. He came over and extended the chocolate (already with a small bite out of it) for me to taste. The gesture suggested that he wanted me to nibble it from his fingers, but on the off chance that isn't what he intended, I delicately took it from him, took a little bite and gave it back. I'd never tasted choc. covered honeycomb before and I was also worried that if it was hard to bite through or gooey-messy that I'd end up gnawing/slurping on his fingers in a totally un-sexy way.

Still tho - wow. *glowing*

And we're going out for pizza tonight to my favorite pizza place!

I'm on freaking cloud 9. Don't anybody dare pinch me. If this is a dream, I'm staying in it.

[dolphin_05]

Sounds very positive Dia. You're doing a wonderful job.

Unfortunately, we all know that chances are H will pull back soon. I know you've mentioned that so it's good that you'll anticipate it although I don't think we're ever ready for it.

All the best,

Cas

[Dia]

Good morning all!

I'll be out doing job stuff most of the day so probably won't be posting. I'm in a great mood but yeah, expecting a pullback any minute now. When it hits, I'll ride it out.

Cheers!

Dia

[mac-ct]

Ride 'em cowgirl.

With an attitude like that you can't fail

Mac