A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[givingitmyall]

Hey Dia,

I just posted a response to you on my thread.

"See what happens when you get back together? Each of you does the chores the other one was planning to do."

They are perceptive little creatures, aren't they?

he was going to try coming home a little later than usual to see if it shortened his drive. That could be the pure and simple truth, because I know that the 10 mile drive can take a full hour in rush hour traffic but part of me wonders if it's so he can have a phone call or IM session with the OW. I saw him texting this morning while sitting on his bed. He didn't close the door, which means he was pretty comfortable about the whole thing but yeah, part of me wonders if he was texting her. *sigh*

Yeah, I know. Just play it cool. H has to get used to being around you too. Sounds like he is not making an effort to be secretive, s it may not be anything. Right now, I would not let this get to you. You want to project confidence (i.e., attractiveness) to him, not neediness (is that even a word?). The rest will follow.

Glad to see you are enjoying The Five LL's. I thought it was a great book as well.

Good luck. Keep it up.

[Dia]

Hope sucks!! *grinning* It's so much harder to be here at H's place now that I have hope because it just intensifies all of the *wanting*. I'm in a pretty good place with it, but needed a mini-vent.

I've been working on job stuff most of the day, took kidlet out for lunch and I have to go out in an hr or two because I told H I would pick up milk and lettuce. May also try to time it so I'm not here when he gets home. I'm wearing jeans and my favorite shirt, a lace and velvet number that he's complimented before. I'm debating changing into a dress before he gets home. My hair and make up are done and I've got my game face on.

Confident, attractive, upbeat - but not needy or pursuing.

Kidlet mentioned that they'd had a picnic with the OW in between my visits, so H is probably in somewhat of a quandary and better armed against my wiles than he was last visit. Poo! But hey, I know what I've got to offer and it's a darn good package.

Also - and I could use some input on this one - last time our D papers were kicked back (early Feb.), they mailed them here to H's house instead of to me. Really bad move on their part. Anyway, I took them and put them in my car. I doubt he would do this, but that little niggling voice said he could do something like forge my sig. and finalize the darn thing behind my back.

I want to file a dismissal, but if I do, doesn't it put me at a disadvantage if he then files himself? He also wants kidlet to live with him and got to school up here if I don't have a job here by the time school starts. I'm not so sure I want to agree to that, either, in part because if we do proceed to D, it weakens my position.

I *might* agree to it if he gave me his word that he would not proceed with divorce for one full year. Might... I do still have some concerns re: parenting. Kidlet regularly stays up til 10 pm, sometimes 11, H lets him sleep in his clothes and for supper last night (before I got here) the child apparently nuked himself 3 TV dinners. H was home, but working on a free lance project. I don't know how often that happens - box meals, that is. The rest of the food in the house is decently healthy, natural stuff.

Has anyone filed a dismissal? Does H have to sign it or just me? Anyone got input on how this might affect me if he files something himself?

For the record, his mother has said that if he ever gets back with me, she will write him out of the will. Can you believe that? He didn't tell me, my FIL did, though FIL also told me he's not sure she actually would plus he implied that if she tried, he wouldn't let it happen. My MIL is controlling and manipulative, so one of the other issues we face/d in the M was that he caved to her pretty often, including things like letting her exclude me from my own son's birthday dinner.

[Dia]

Has anybody noticed that this whole DBing thing can induce the world's biggest case of analysis-paralysis?? I'm sitting here wryly laughing at myself because I couldn't figure out if I should change out of my jeans and pretty blouse into a summer sundress I brought.

I didn't always look good for him, so putting on the dress is a 180.

But isn't that pursuing?? I'll wear the jeans...

But I'm supposed to look and feel like I'm on top of the world - attractive and confident - so I'll wear the dress.

But what if that makes him feel pressured???

AAARRRRGH!!! LOL!

I'm wearing the dang dress because I hear that no matter how much you males give lipservice to all this gender-equity hoopla, what you really like is for a woman to look like a woman. Besides, I feel sexy in this dress, and as long as I'm not doing my Eartha Kitt impression while lounging in the doorway, I think it'll be ok.

If I'm over the line, somebody set me straight quick cuz he'll be home soon.

[Dia]

ok, so...

H came home and we made dinner together, very interactively. In fact, when he pulled in to the driveway, I was out on the deck looking at the ocean. He walked up behind me with the plate of hamburger patties I'd made to thank me for preparing them for him. Startled me so hard I jumped. I get a gold star for not doing or saying the obvious when he asked me if I could please grab the buns. *grin*

I particularly noticed that he sought me out where I was in the house, and physically came to me to thank me for something. Good sign.

I was particularly bubbly and he remarked, "That means you're happy." I agreed. He did not compliment me on my appearance, hug me, or touch me in anything but an accidental manner. Our fingertips touched when I offered him a strawberry out of the fruit salad I was making. Things still don't seem quite as warm as last trip (I got several hugs last trip), but I think they're warmer than yesterday. If there had been a hug, a kiss or an "I love you" sprinkled into our evening, I don't think anyone would have known there was anything wrong between us.

There aren't enough bar stools for everyone to eat at the bar, so he invited me to sit on the couch with him, which I did. I mirrored his body positions while we ate and talked. After we finished dinner, he said he was going to go work on his game and I told him to have fun. He said some other little thing about it and I started to ask a question, but stopped myself. He sat back down and asked me to go on. This resulted in about 45 mins of sitting and talking. It felt really great. It was.... *drumroll* QUALITY TIME!!

Eventually, he brought the convo to an end (that really should have been me, huh?) and went to his computer to work on his project. There was praise and appreciation expressed from both of us to the other for different things we'd done that day. Oh - and he proactively asked about my day, including questions drawing me out!

So, how do I feel about him going to his computer? Well, dagnabit, I want MORE of him. But I have to say, the 1.5 hrs or so including dinner was really great. If there had been a bit of physical affection or ILY sprinkled in, it would have been everything I've ever wanted from him (at least until kidlet goes to bed!).

I did knee-jerk about it a bit, just cuz he's ignored me for the computer a LOT in our M, but I'm working hard to put it all in the context of where we are NOW, not where were were in the bad times. And for where we are now, we had a pretty amazing evening.

In fact, it's taking a fair amount of self-control not to pin him to the wall and administer one of those 'scorched earth, take no prisoners' kisses Kettricken mentioned a bit ago.

Alas, I shall have to go outside, lay in the hammock and count shooting stars instead. It's COLD out there you see, and taking a shower now would be a tad out of character for me, plus it would ruin my hair.

[sandi2]

Dia, I think you are going great! I admire your hard work.

About the dress.....I think it is a shame the female population has resorted to wearing mostly pants. (Which I am just as bad. ) My dad said something one time that I always remembered. He said that no matter how great a woman looked in a pair of slacks, it never would replace what a dress did for her. You said it…..men like to see us in skirts. I think we have to act more like ladies by the way we walk, sit, etc. It all seems to fall together. I am also of the opinion that when we “look” feminine that we will act feminine. When we “look” our best, we will act our best.

Telling your H “thanks” is a wonderful way to show appreciation. I did not realize how badly I had gotten away from doing that until my S & his W stayed with us for a while. My DIL is the sweetest girl you would ever meet! She is always telling my S “thanks” and it caused me to realize how I was not doing that with my own H. The young lady taught the old one in that case…..lol. It is a form of praise (I think)….at least it is appreciation and that ranks very high on men’s “needs” list.
Good job!

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

If there had been a hug, a kiss or an "I love you" sprinkled into our evening, I don't think anyone would have known there was anything wrong between us.

I understand, b/c my sitch, and many other's here, is the same.

Sandi, as usual, is absolutely correct. You are doing great. You SOUND positive, and it sounds like you know what and what not to do. Keep it up.

[Dia]

Poor H. He's really conflicted. (And don't I know how that feels!)

Last night he was listening to music while he worked on his computer. I heard a bit of it from the bathroom and came closer to ask what it was because it was so pretty. I listened to a few more bars and he told me the name of the artist, then I went back to my own pursuits.

This morning, the kidlet wanted a particular breakfast that I make. He asked his dad for it, but H didn't know what he was talking about so I explained it was a Mom thing and offered to make it. H ate cereal, so I made the Mom breakfast for just kidlet and me and then made coffee. H ate his cereal in the sun on the front porch while he worked out some programming stuff on a notepad. I did get a nice hug this morning, but I asked for it.

Later in the morning he told me that a co-worker of his was having a 'shindig' and that he would be taking kidlet unless kidlet objected. It was clear that I was not invited, so I said, "Cool! I have plenty of job stuff to do so go and have a good time." Unfortunately, when he told kidlet about said event, kidlet assumed all three of us were going. I suppose I should have let H explain why but that occurred to me after I'd explained that only he and his dad would be going because Dad felt it would be awkward for me to go. Kidlet was disappointed, but H will have to deal with that. It's probably too early for social integration on that level anyways.

So, back to the music thing... He just walked over, rummaged through his CDs and handed one to me. It's the music I liked from last night. He also found the individual case and showed it to me so I'd know what it looked like in case I wanted to buy it. Not only was this proactive and very thoughtful of him, but the music itself... It's really pretty.
It's New Age-y, reminiscent of Enya, but with some hints of brazilian jazz and even some rythm and percussion you'd find in bellydance music. This is *precisely* the kind of music we make love to. In fact, when I first heard it, I felt a huge pang because I knew it was love-making music and I wondered if he was playing it because he was thinking of her.

But if it was special to *them*, he wouldn't have made an effort to give it to me to listen to... would he?

And here's the conflicted part - I thanked him after he handed to me and he turned away, unable to meet my eyes. He really needed a hug at that point but I wasn't sure I should have offered one. I didn't think the time was right to acknowledge the painful moment?

So he'll have some time away today, probably until after dinner and maybe as late as bedtime. Hopefully this will give him some time to get his game face on. Me, I'm pretty unflappable atm. I'm wearing a long, gauzy skirt and a black peasant blouse thanks to sandi's comments re men and skirts.

I also think I've sussed out the issue of whether or not I'm a WAW. I'm not. I almost was, but the walk-out button was triggered by his affair, not by WAW issues. I had actually made the decision to stay and try when the affair came to light, and I really feel it was that and not the other stuff, not even the alcohol, that made me leave.

Here's another conundrum re: WAW vs 180s. The old me was withdrawn, tense and actively avoidant. Doing a 180 from that means *seeking* his company and/or indicating a desire for it. But that's pursuing, and the potential WAS atm is him. I guess it's a balancing act, right? Still, makes it really hard to know what to do, how far to go, etc. I will continue winging it and playing by ear.

Yesterday while I was out, I stopped into a candyshop, the kind where they make chocolates, fudge, etc on the premesis. I bought a stick of rock candy for the kidlet and about 4 pc of choc. covered honeycomb for H. Honeycomb was a childhood favorite of his, and I got sugar free because he has reactive hypoglycemia. He marvelled a bit that it was honeycomb, but overall the gift fell a bit flat. I didn't give it to him in person; I left it on his bed. I thought giving it directly might be too much pressure. At any rate, whether it was pressure, or whether it was that he just doesn't relate that much to gifts, I won't be doing that again.



Here's a link to the album. Amazon has some short clips if anyone is interested. http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Seas-Marcome/dp/B0000065GE

[sandi2]

I did get a nice hug this morning, but I asked for it.

Would it do any good to tell you that is pursuing and it pushes him away from you? So is the gift buying. Not that that was much, but it is still pursing. You do so good and give excellent advice to other posters. I hope you can tighten your belt and try hard not to chase after H.....

[Dia]

Yes, it would. As I said, this is a balancing act and I'm struggling between the 180 part and the not pursuing part.

Thanks.

[Dia]

Ok, I'm buckling my seatbelt and pulling down the shoulder restraints for the roller-coaster ride. After spending a few hours on his computer, H is suddenly warmer to me, seeking contact and he brought up how that CD sounds so much like Enigma, Enya etc, naming off all of our LM music. He didn't mention the LM aspect but sheesh, it's got to be going through his mind. I didn't mention the connection either, but made agreeable noises, talked about how the Arabic rhythms reminded me of my bellydance music.

There are also large undercurrents of physical affection. We have cats, and whenever the cat is sitting by me, he reaches out to stroke the cat. In fact, we both found ourselves petting the cat at the same time, just different sides of the cat. Hilarious, really, if it wasn't a bit sad, too.

Meanwhile, I've scheduled an appt for a haircut today. I need to look professional for the job interviews, plus I needed to have 'stuff' scheduled to take me out of the house, GAL, etc.