K4D Rising #4

[mulesqb]

That is a problem. I keep thinking she used to have faith and believe so at some point it has to come back to her right? I keep thinking that. So far it doesn't appear from the outside that it is. I think, how can you just throw away everything you believe in with your faith? How can you say it doesn't matter?

Don't think for her. Maybe she is thinking that way and struggling. Maybe she is reaching to her faith in a different way - who knows?? All you know is that somehow you have been dealt these cards and you have to play with them.

I love her dearly and I want us to be back together and I want to believe that she wants to do what is best for our family and faith. I want to believe it.

You can believe it. But for right now - that's not what she wants. You are focusing too much on her. Detach bro. You really need to detach. Read my threads - was right where you are. You have to start focusing on things you can control. Have you made yourself a list of things you would like to do?? I started golfing again - I started hanging with friends, becuase that was something I gave up during our M. I started entertaining at my house and I reconnected myself and my kids with both sides of the family - another thing lost during the last few years of our M. Guess what, my calendar is filled.

The more I look back, the more I realize she was slipping further and further away from her faith and our M and I just didn't pay attention. I should have. The fool I was. I could have prevented most if not all of this.

Not your issue - that is hers. She needs to work that out.

In the mean time, it looks like I have a poker night with friends scheduled for August 22nd. That should be a lot of fun. I always enjoy it with friends.

Bro - that is almost a month away. Surely ( I know don't call me shirley), you can get moving on GALing before then. You have a nice plan for this weekend. What do you do during the week?? Can you get into a routine of stuff for Kevin. I'm up to my ears in coaching and i love it. What can you do that is consistent and fun and fulfilling?? Something healthy and invigorating.

Make a list. Get busy living.

Mules

[The Wifey]

Kevin,

Ummm, let me pad my 2x4.

I have had the same rants from time to time. But - GET REAL!!!

There is a covenant, she has broken it, she has had the PA's, she feels justified, whatever the reasons and no matter how she has to lie to herself.

Frusturated and venting this morning. Time continues to go by and I see no change in W. How long before any kind of spiritual awakening occurs? Some realization of what a vow and covenant really means? Some thought about "Oh, I do have a family and kids that need both parents to be united and loving"? "Oh you mean that was for life? I didn't realize for life meant for life".

Kevin

Listen to me carefully Kev. There isn't going to be a sudden spiritual awakening. It will take time. Butterfly wings, not giant leaps.

I'm sorry. It sucks that we are going through this. Its horrible that the one that stood next to us and said the same vows is doing & choosing what they are. BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS.

If you think you are going to just wake up one morning and you will be jumping to piecing is not realistic - right now. Patience, time, positive interactions over time, you taking care of you should be the focus.

And giving her the card from the kids is not going to do a thing for either of you if you are doing it WITH EXPECTATIONS.

You will not make progress at all until you can accept that it really is reality. It is what you are living and seeing and feeling. No amount of will changes that.

Also consider, even if you or I want to put everything our S does under the label of a MLC - that it is a cop-out.

I know things I did wrong. I know how I hurt my H. If I acted like he was just going to come to his senses because he knows not what he does, that would disregard and disrespect what and how he honestly felt.

Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. And they don't just wake up the morning they drop the bomb and change. It takes time to get to the point where you start to lose hope and consider that maybe this m is not where I am supposed to be.

And if you disrespect that she honestly felt this way, went through soul - searching and consideration and then made the decision she did - NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL FOR YOU RIGHT NOW - then how in the heck could you expect her to reconsider, come closer to you, etc.

Its hard, but not impossible. Not easy, but simple. Work the DB principals. Internalize it. Make it a part of you and not just something you kinda' follow.

Do this because you have to be the most handsome, confident, warm, friendly, interesting wonderful you for you before she will take a second look. The hurt hurts, and don't I know it. How will she believe any of your changes if you are only faking them?

I step out on faith every day. Have your read Separated & Waiting? I think it might be something you could benefit from.

[The Wifey]

Remember Fast Times at Ridgemont High - Damone's 5 point plan:
number 2 - "wherever I am, that's the place to be. Isn't this great??"

Mules

Thanks to Wikipedia:

[the "five-point plan"] First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

[K4D]

Mules,

During the week without my kids I try to do things with friends I am making. I also go talk with my priest on Mondays. I think I might really go buy that bike. It may be between that and a gym membership to lift weights and excercise so I don't have to drive to the park every day to walk especially when I have my kids.

Wifey,

I want to read that book. I just looked it up on Barnes and Noble. I'm going to get it and read it.

Kevin

[The Wifey]

Kevin please listen carefully:

Coulda' Woulda' Shoulda'
Always smartest in hindsight

The more I look back, the more I realize she was slipping further and further away from her faith and our M and I just didn't pay attention. I should have. The fool I was. I could have prevented most if not all of this.

Well, damage takes time for even God to repair. He doesn't do it over night. So faith I will keep and build stronger.

Maybe you could have or maybe you couldn't. You don't get extra points by beating yourself up. Let go and let God.

He has his own time-line and knows the road map. He just doesn't let us know what it is. We have to step out on faith. Not faith we profess, but faith we DO.

[The Wifey]

Thanks for posting to me Kevin. I believe my M will be restored but I also know that it could be possible that he would have to d me first. Regardless, I am keeping the faith and stepping out on faith!

[mulesqb]

Remember Fast Times at Ridgemont High - Damone's 5 point plan:
number 2 - "wherever I am, that's the place to be. Isn't this great??"

Mules

Thanks to Wikipedia:

[the "five-point plan"] First of all Rat, you never let on how much you like a girl. "Oh, Debbie. Hi." Two, you always call the shots. "Kiss me. You won't regret it." Now three, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be. "Isn't this great?" Four, when ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It's a classy move. "Now, the lady will have the linguini and white clam sauce, and a Coke with no ice." And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

Come on KJ - Now you know that Damone was a genious! That entire list is gold!!!

Number 4 is awesome!!

[mulesqb]

[

I think I might really go buy that bike.

Happy Birthday to me!! Now you're talking.

[MrBond]

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day.

Remember a couple of posts ago, I mentioned how you need to be careful not to seem judgmental towards her especially in the form of religion? Well....

"Why waste your time with something such as M if you don't believe in the vows and covenant being for life? Why bother? Why not just take that money and go have a fantasy vacation if it truly means nothing? Why marry in a church if it means nothing? It just seemed like something neat to do? The bible doesn't say you can just get divorced and remarried and all is good as long as you are happy and didn't like your situation. It doesn't say that anywhere."

That sounds pretty judgemental.

I hope you realize that all the advice from day one pointed to one thing...detaching. You have your ups and downs but now you're throwing religion at it.

There are times where now you're beginning to sound self-righteous, then you turn it around and say...let go let God.

Well, you're right. Let God take care of it. Release your burden to Him and see what happens. Go back and read the story of the Prodigal Son. That's detachment and faith right there.

[K4D]

I'm just having a bad day for some reason. Things feel hopeless today. It seems that every day that goes by with no contact, there is less chance of things working back towards a reconciliation. I sometimes wonder if she even thinks about me anymore. I can't imagine she does. She just seems so intent on having fun and finding that next person that I am an after thought.

Where is my patience today. Some days my faith is stronger than other days. I get to see her for a few minutes each week when we exchange the kids. I guess I don't want to be in the position of having to wait for years for progress to be made even though I know it is not in my hands. I will wait. I just badly don't want to.

Kevin