A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[givingitmyall]

Hi Dia.

You sound well. Just checking in.

[Dia]

Hi, all,

New developments. I am going up to H's tomorrow to do more job hunting. I could have left tomorrow, but not w/o my books, and yes, I know I can't let him see them, not DB and DR at least. What about Love Languages, tho?

The duration of the trip is up in the air, dependent on how the hunt goes and whether we hit any landmines with me staying in the house. We didn't last time. In fact, we had a pretty darn good time. There were a few awkward moments, but overall, it was pretty good.

So - anyone got suggestions/advice for spending a few days at H's house?

[Dia]

hrm, edit time expired while I was typing, here's the rest of the post:

I'm a lil skeered, actually. See, when I visited last time, I hadn't been to that house in almost 2 years. I expected to walk into the same falling down, oughtta be condemned dive that I left. His folks own the house and had allowed to to fall into severe disrepair through a long series of rentals. We did a lot of work on it together, but there was still a lot more to do and at least when I was there, H wouldn't do it unless I was the motivating force.

It was night and day different, and it really cemented for me that he really *had* changed some of the behaviors that just weren't working for me. So the possibility of reconciling is a whole lot more real this time than last time, especially given the conversation I'm about to relate.

After a great weekend together, H brought up the divorce papers which had been kicked back a few months before and instead of sending them to me, they sent them all to him. So I hadn't heard thing one about them since I mailed them way back at the end of Jan. I knew I didn't want to be divorced then, but people were pushing me about it and I caved.

H said he wanted to finalize things. I said I didn't. Not in an argumentative way, just very matter of fact. I said I'd felt that way for a long time and that I'd been pursuing the divorce against my will. I said I wasn't willing to do that any longer. I didn't want the divorce, so if he did, he was going to have to file himself and be the one to divorce me.

Fast forward a bit and he was saying that I had all these expectations, namely that we would move in together instantly and just go straight back to being a married couple. I said no, that isn't what I expected or even what I wanted. His back was half turned, but I knew he was listening. He asked me what I did want.

I said that moving right back in together was probably too much too soon and might doom us to failure, that I thought even if things went well, we were going to need our own spacce to pull back and reflect from time to time and to feel safe since we'd both been so badly hurt. I said what I thought we should do was just hang out together, spend some time getting to know each other again without expectations either way and see what happened.

He said OK.

And then I dropped it fast and got back to something really light because I knew the conversation had pushed him about as far as he could go at that time. I also left later that same day to come back down here, so he had some nice time and space to think about it.

So - suggestions? I know I've got to keep my cuddly longings under tight zip unless he initiates, and I'm not to get suckered into talks/fights about the R - but what else? Kidlet will be there most of the time, btw.

[Fallgirl]

Make sure your H doesn`t see DB, DR, and esp that you are not on this forum. Yes, I know you`re already aware of that but I speak as one who has on two occasions left on of those books out and I nearly died when H found them. Damn! Not good for kidlet to pick up either! So be careful.

Your H will find DB even more easily on PC since that`s what he`s into so delete temp files just as soon as your logged outta here. Just get the habit, cos one day he`ll pop onto your PC just to check email and wham! you`re done.

"I know I've got to keep my cuddly longings under tight zip unless he initiates, and I'm not to get suckered into talks/fights about the R" keeping it light, not initiating or pursuing is exactly right, from my reading of DB. Though I`m cagey about advising since you`re at a point I`ve never got to yet, and I`m pea green with envy actually.

I sometimes wonder if separation AND EA or PA can actully clarify for BOTH parties what they really want.You`ve done all that already and maybe that`s got you as far on as you are today.

Unemployment can suck the hope out of anyone so don`t use that time just to focus on reestablishing the M, go research some freebie GALing you can do. Stuff you`ve never tried before. I`m on 8 weeks hols from work so I know that`s a factor it getting me more focusses on our R and the more I`m focussed the crazier and more impatient I`m getting! So I make myself try new things all the time particularly those involving self care and having fun.

A few suggestions:

Change what you eat for breakfast
Change where you eat breakfast
Change your brand of toothpaste
Go hike in the hills
Visit a church you`ve never been to before
Try a new recipe
Contact a friend you haven`t been in touch with for years
Go pick up an old hobby
Paint your nails
Run a bubble bath with candles

Get the idea? A lot of DB IS about having fun and loving yourself first.

Better run off now and take some of my own advice!

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

I think being a little jumpy is understandable, and manageable. Posting from my blackberry so I will be short.

Try to treat H like a good friend when you are around him. Keep it light and fun and don't get sucked into R talk. Plan activities around kidlet as well as for yourself - can be just going for a walk.

If D comes up, and you can't avoid talking @ it, tell H this is not what you want, but you cannot prevent him from seeking D. But, that will be his decision. Then leave it alone. And be calm.

Don"t have any expectations, just have (and be) fun and enjoy being with kidlet. This is going to take time.

[Dia]

GIMA and Fallgirl - thank you!!

Acting like a good friend will be easy, and I will do my best on the other stuff.

As far as the affair part, well, yeah - I'm dead sure I DON'T want the OM. (*Massive eye roll at self*) H has a long-distance relationship with someone atm, but it's not the OW who invaded our marriage. This is a relationship he started during the sep when both of us really, truly believed that there was nothing left. He's not serious about her - by his own admission - tho I think she is about him. She lives many states away and they hardly ever see each other. That's his to manage, tho. Apparently, his EA/PA with my former best friend crashed and burned really fast. I'm not upset, don't feel betrayed etc about the current OW. Technically, I don't even consider it an affair as it was started in good faith. Complication, yes; affair, no.

My sense of what's holding him back from full reconciliation is fear of being hurt again (understandable) and anger about me leaving (also understandable). For me, the caution points are that I do NOT want a return to certain behaviors of his - drinking, neglect of me or kidlet, no housework, etc. I saw so much improvement while I was there last time, that I'm good with 2 of the 3, and the withdrawal/neglect issue - well, after more than a year and a half of IC for me, I've got a whole new toolkit to deal with how some of MY behaviors contributed to that.

Ok, I have a bajillion things to do today, so I need to get crackin'!

Cheers!!

[Dia]

My books are here and I am happily reading.

Re: the upcoming visit - My expectation is actually that this visit will NOT be as good as the last one. He's jumpy too, I'll wager, and may be more defensive and hading behind his walls. That's ok - I have books to read. Jane Austen, not DB - at least in front of him.

[givingitmyall]

Good for you.

[Dia]

My books are here and I am happily reading.

Re: the upcoming visit - My expectation is actually that this visit will NOT be as good as the last one. He's jumpy too, I'll wager, and may be more defensive and hading behind his walls. That's ok - I have books to read. Jane Austen, not DB - at least in front of him.

er -- "hiding" not hading

[Dia]

ok, read all of Love Languages and about 60% of DR.

Kidlet's love language is Quality Time.

Oddly enough, I am less sure about Hubby's and mine. Mine is either Quality Time or Physical Touch, leaning toward Quality Time. My biggest gripe about the M was the he would never spend time with me, and my biggest hurt was that he was spending it with someone else. It's the touch I'm craving at present, but I think overall, QT may be more important.

As for him... I think it's Words of Affirmation, but it might be Physical Touch, instead. At the moment, he's responding very well to verbal praise and appreciation and touches might be a bit risky. However, he has touched me on several occasions, so it's possible that's what he really wants. Things like complimenting my blouse, then fingering the material, complimenting my hair, then touching it, etc. I've also gotten some good hugs recently and even one really surprising kiss on the top of the head when I was upset about something.