A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Fallgirl]

Dia

How are your GAL goals going? Have your friends you can call on to so you can get out there and have fun?

So important to get the focus off DBing even when you are DBing if you know what I mean-like sometimes I reckon I spend too much time on this board instead of GALing!

I see you`re working on getting a job. Best of luck with that! Substitute teaching can be fun as you get to meet so many people, different school situations and get a taste for what you might like to do with teaching later on. Are there any course you could take in the fall to help you towards furthering your career in that area?(and get your mind of H!)

[Dia]

Hi, Fallgirl,

Re: subbing/taking classes - This is a bit of a messed up situation. All I have left to finish my doctorate is my dissertation. Subbing wold be a stop gap to earn money in this difficult economy. My parents raised us kids to believe 'that we could do anything we wanted' career-wise. What I didn't realize was that there was this unspoken part that said "As long as it's teaching." I'm the eldest. My younger bro and sis dutifully went into the family business - one is a science teacher and one teaches gym. Me, silly me - I wanted this doctorate and to work in non-profit development. It's amusing in a sort of twisted way that I *never* hear any encouragement to work on or finish my dissertation, but they've offered me money if I would go get a teaching credential.

They are both retired boomers who are in a bit of denial about the current job market. Their idea of the work world is that you get one good job with nice benes and a pension, stay in it 40 years, save your money and retire. The whole benes and a pension things doesn't exist much out there anymore and we live in a community where unemployment is almost double the nat'l average. Even worse, this place is a retirement resort - think golf courses and casinos - so the primary employers are healthcare, small business and tourism and the latter two barely pay minimum wage unless you're the owner.

Even worse, my folks are also completely deluded about the daycare situation. Here's a bit of math:

2 bedroom apt = $1000/month
daycare = $450/month
utilities, gas, groceries = $600/month
--------------------------------------
bare minimum = $2100/month after taxes

Sub pay = $95/day
There are 21 - 23 potential sub days in a given month, so best case scenario is that I will make about $2200/month subbing if I work *every single day* - and there's no guarantee of that. Take out taxes, health ins and union dues, and I'll be lucky if my check is $1700 - which won't pay for the daycare I'll need to do the job.

Now - that and 's just me venting, and mostly at my parents and the economy. Please don't think I'm being snarky at you or that I didn't appreciate the suggestion.

[Fallgirl]

Certainly no offence taken, Dia!I`m glad to read that you`re strong minded enough to make your own decisions in the face of your folks` opposition.

I`m working through my own family of origin stuff to see why I`ve ended up like I am and I find is useful to look at the influence they`ve had on my life choices.

Follow your heart girl but keep up the math!

[Dia]

More on our sitch...

To put it bluntly, we've both had affairs. Emotional for sure, and physical - well, probably. How can one 'probably' have had a PA - it's a matter of timing, I guess. I'll get to that in a minute.

First of all, let me give you an analogy about why a supposedly 'good', committed spouse gets drawn into an affair.

Imagine that you're in a closed room and the oxygen is slowly being sucked out. At first, you carry on with your life and you don't even notice. Then something seems subtly off, but most likely, you think it's you - you haven't been getting enough sleep, you're stressed, you need a vacation, something like that. As the precious oxygen drops lower and lower, everything becomes a struggle and an act of will. You start tapping on the windows to get someone's attention, but no one listens. "Hey, I can't breathe. I think there's a problem in here."

Joy, happiness, hope, optimism -- they're all being sucked out of you just like the air. Every movement feels like pushing through molasses and you're breathing in deep, ragged gasps. You may even pound on the doors screaming and crying for more air, just a little more... please...

Eventually, you sink to the floor in utter defeat, weakly saying goodbye to your spouse, your life, your children, because you know you're dying and no one cares. No one will help you. You're too weak even to cry.

Then just before your eyes close, someone slips a hose under the door and there's this thin trickle of pure, sweet O2. You're in disbelief for the first few breaths. Am I hallucinating? Is this real?? Someone is finally giving me what I need to live? A few more breaths and maybe you can push up from the floor. Another few and maybe you can even stand. You walk around, touch the walls but there's still no air in the rest of the room - so you have to go back to the hose.

Sometimes, maybe not for everybody, the hose begins to whisper.

"Breathe deeper. It's here for you."

"HE put you in here (your spouse). He's the one starving you for air."

"I can get you out. I can take care of you."

"I'll give you all the air you want for the rest of your life. All you have to do is open the door..."

You look back at your spouse, but the windows are thick, soundproof glass. He didn't hear you begging and pleading for air. He didn't seem to notice when you slumped to the floor half-dead. Or maybe he did. Maybe he was on the other side of the window telling you everything was fine; that the lack of air was all in your head. And maybe he even got mad at you for needing to breathe in the first place.

So you listen to the hose some more.

If you stay in the room, you'll die without the hose.

If you leave the room, you have to give up your life and leave your spouse behind.

How long will you let yourself gasp for air in the vacuum box before you give in and take the only thing promising you life?


The oxygen, of course, is love, and that's what it's like to get sucked into an affair.

[mac-ct]

Hi Sandi,

Thanks for the list. I'm sure everyone is busy memorizing it.

Been trying to get the DB books here in South Africa for AGES.
Amazon doesn't send books (and other things) here anymore because of some light-fingered so-and-so's nicking them.

ARRRGGGGG.

Mac

[mac-ct]

Dear dia (is there an echo in here?)

Thanks go out to those of you who called the fire department and brought ladders.

And the BEST thing you can do for yourself you're already doing.
You have found your funny bone - YAY

Mac

[Dia]

Hiya, Mac,

Hope you find a cute new fishie!

I'm headed over to the other house to continue packing my stuff out. For those who missed it, I am NOT packing to leave my H. I am packing to move back to where he lives, though not back into our house.

I won't have internet there, so I'll check in with everyone later.

Cheers,

Dia

[pearlharbr]

Hi Dia

Welcome to the boards. I saw your post on SDFoundGirl's thread and wanted to pop over to say hi. Our sitch's are nothing at all alike but I like your writing and what you have to say. Just saying that because I don't think I'll have a lot to offer in the way of advice but can offer support.

I think it's good that you want to take responsibility of your share of the R problems with your family. How did your mother react? I've been avoiding my mother for months while working through things because she does not approve of how I'm handling my R. Sigh. Sometimes family means well but aren't helpful because they just want your pain to end.

[sandi2]

Okay, I just didn't you want to go hog wild on the praise kick..... Try it again tomorrow, maybe? Just a little bit...LOL.

I didn't have a PA, but I did have an EA and could identify with your anology of being in a room without oxygen. I can't imagine what how I would have ended.....if it had went to a PA. The EA almost distroyed me.....not to mention my M. I didn't know "who" I was anymore. I think that was as much my goal as saving my M. Trying to find Sandi again.

[Dia]

Hi, all, and welcome to my place, Pearl,

I[m tired after packing/moving. Sigh. My books arrive tomorrow. Now I'm impatient for them to arrive instead of being impatient for my marriage to come back. LOL! I guess that's a better thing to be impatient about, right?