Well I guess I do need support. But I have pretty much decided that this is over, this relationship is destroying me. I have so much work to do to prepare and plan for a new future, and I'm probably looking at poverty realistically. But poverty would be better than insanity. The mood swings and blame are just more than I can take anymore.
When I very first came to this board I said I felt like I had to choose between the lesser of two evils, and unfortunately, after 9 months I still feel the same way. Any attempt to communicate with this man has resulted in getting worse abuse from him.
I stand to lose quite a bit...all the things that have been what kept me hanging in there. Don't see any other option at this point.
Glad to see you back here. I'll lend you all the support you need.
I know things lot impossible now, living with and AS is chaotic and tiring. You have tried working with it, and now you think you have to end it?... is a separation possible to allow time for you to get back on your feet, and for him to see his problem without you around to blame.
In my sitch, I postponed a separation several times b/c it is a hard thing to do, but things only got worse and out of control. I wish I would have done it sooner. ANyway, my H said that when living with me he was able to blame me - but when his life was the same without me in it - he started to realize that he had a problem. When he had to manage life without someone to do everything and manage everything and cover up - he had to face himself. When I asked for the S, I asked for a few months, he was the one who demanded that any S would be followed with a D and/or at least a one year S. So I let go... for myself, I decided to give it one year and if there was no change then I would get the D.
Well as you know, seven months later, H sobered up and remains that way. What you may not realize is that and AS does not know what is going on... they don't mean most of what they say let along remember. They are in pain and looking for relief, not realizing that relief will not come until they stop drinking. You know the rest.
Well...maybe that's what I should do. Go for "separation" instead. Not see it as The End totally. I'm afraid of inciting his rage though. I have no plans to tell him my plans at this point. Will get back to you later.
No matter what you do, he will respond with anger and procrastination.
Just focus on taking care of yourself and children. Be gentle but firm about your decision. Remember, he is ill but doesn't recognize it. You are not doing anything to hurt him, but to protect those he loves. Gather your strength, keep focused and use your support.
No I don't really have a getaway plan. I'm not physically afraid of him.
The latest big thing was that he drove drunk with the kids in the car.. I of course laid down the law, and he gave me some lame fake apologies that meant, in his mind, that I was supposed to immediately forget about it. Well, I didn't. I kindly, and I stress that it WAS kindly, told him how unacceptable things had gotten and that he absolutely could not drink ANYTHING and drive. He became furious with me. this was all thru email, during which he said he'd take what I said into consideration.
But by the time he got home he was livid...with me. Yes. He's the drunk driver, but I am clearly the problem. I got all kinds of crap about how badly I was treating him. He tried to get his buddies to agree and they were like, dude, SHE'S RIGHT. I talked to his parents about it all as well.
Anyway, his mom talked to him about it too and he's been pissed at me ever since. I get the silent treatment for no reason, this he alternates with lovey dovey stuff and gifts...then he's mad again. He's just totally nuts.
I've tried this week to ignore the moods and be pleasant, but he let me have it tonight. He just was not going to be satisfied until he unloaded all his garbage and guilt onto me so he could feel better. So I got about an hour of how crazy I am, and how bad he's got it, blah blah blah blah.
Then he made me dinner and hoped I'd join him. Presto, let's be chums. I said, oh, is my punishment over? He said his favorite line...come on, let's just forget about it.
If I had more than 10 dollars in my pocket, I'd leave.
I just went back through my thread. Jeesh. I'm embarrassed. I've said the same crap since February. Six months. I guess I keep getting little inklings that things might get better...and then they get worse again.. Or maybe I think if I were just tougher or something I could handle it better. I don't know. I WAS handling it better. Feel like I've lost ground.
I realize that March was when I found that the OM, that I wasn't involved with anymore, but that's when I found out he'd been lying to me all along, from the beginning. That he'd tricked me, that it was all fake. So, I have to admit that had caused me a lot of negative emotion to cope with all over again. On top of the daily junk.
Well. This is pathetic. My sitch hasn't changed, and I can't seem to make it any better, and I don't have the resources to do anything else either.
Of course you should post here. If not for this place, I'm afraid you'd have no one to listen at all! Please keep posting. There will be some help somehow.
My sitch hasn't changed, and I can't seem to make it any better, and I don't have the resources to do anything else either.
Sometimes we need help from our brothers and sisters. Keep talking to find a solution for you. Solution = better You can handle it.
Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You definitely could benefit from staying here. don't be embarrassed, we all could feel the same way. My father used to remind that mistakes were necessary for our learning and that we should welcome them in our world.
I do think that you should be setting some clear boundaries with H's drinking behavior to assure everyone's safety to the best of your ability. Avoid arguing about his behavior, as you already know he can make an argument out of anything. Don't take what he says personally b/c he doesn't mean it nor will he remember it later.
Finally, hold onto support for yourself as much as possible to keep your sanity intact = the kids need you to be ok.
And one more thing... it isn't your fault that he drinks... if he could stop or control it there wouldn't be a problem.
