A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Dia]

Hi, K4D, and thank you for jumping in.

I have definitely reconnected with my spiritual side - I'm a UU with Catholic roots. I feel the Universe is leading me back to H's town and back to my marriage, but it's also making me work harder for it than anything I have ever worked for in my life. Then again, one of my mottoes is "The prize too easily won is easily cast away."

Not sure if anyone here does Myers-Briggs or not (MBTI), but even though I am not an ESFJ, I am identifying HARD with their 'prayer', which is:

"God, please give me the patience to deal with things more effectively, and I mean RIGHT NOW."

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

I can certainly identify on the lack of patience thing. That has been one of my big changes.

I didn't address your expectations issue. Unfortunately, this is part of learning a new mindset for a while. You have to show unconditional love - meaning you do something without ANY expectation of receiving something in return. It is hard at first. You will, however, focus your efforts on improving yourself. In that process, you will see that the only person responsible for your happiness is...YOU. Not H or anyone else. So, if you only depend on yourself to make you happy, having no expectations from H becomes easier.

It doesn't mean you stop caring. It means you become much healthier in your outlook on your relationship.

[Dia]

Thanks, folks,

I walked some of this off, turned on HGTV for a bit and dozed in a chair. I'm sleep deprived today which always makes things worse and I'm stressy due to my unemployment sitch. There were some big smackdowns on that front today, which leaves me feeling very needy for some smidgen of good news from somewhere, anywhere but wanting it most of all from H.

The nap and head clearing was good, but them my folks immediately called me into the back of the house to put the thumbscrews to me about teaching. Subbing is a decent stop-gap option but I just can't see getting into (and paying for) a credential program right now when schools are RIFing 20% of staff, hitting really high up into seniority lists, ect. Like I'd have any chance at getting hired in that climate? Who the heck are they kidding.

LOL!!! Guess I have some more crap to walk off!

[sandi2]

Hi there, good job on giving the H praises. I was not good in that area myself and I've read many, many times that that is almost the number one need for men....is admiration. I use to feel so phoney when I tried to compliment my H.....but, I give other people my praises, so why not him? Do be careful to start out gently with the compliments or it will appear to be pursuing.

I want to give you a list of Do's & Don'ts for the LBS....while you are waiting for your DR book. It is a short guideline and the principles are taken from the book. Don't feel overwhelmed by it, just b/c it may seem long. These techniques really work. This is not the entire list, but couldn't get my computer to copy & past out of my documents. Anyway, it's a start!


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out the good things in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage
books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. Don’t act as if you are going to gobble up their “crumbs”(Remember, you are
drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. They can’t fix what is wrong.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make him/her say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life as if you’ve had a “wake-up call”.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, go walking, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or short on words but don’t act “hurt” or mad. If he/she asks what's wrong....just say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! Do not sit up late waiting for him/her to arrive home.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more importantly, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) Do not discuss your plans of self improvement.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun. You want them to think that they would be a fool to leave a person as great as you.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight. WAS are able to do that easily, so be on your guard and refuse to get into a R talk.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic in showing a PMA, b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.(This is MHO) Do not go out (date) with other people or flirt with others--in order to cause your spouse to feel jealous. It is best to stay away from places that would encourage temptation with the opposite sex. (Some people on the board have different opinions about this issue.)

[Dia]

Thanks, Sandi!!

If you (or anyone else) has a sec, how do you reconcile 20 with 21? So if H wants to talk, do I or don't I? Or do I only not talk if I sense he is spoiling for a fight or a gripe-fest?

[Dia]

Ok, I worked myself out of my tree in part by counting my blessings. Thanks go out to those of you who called the fire department and brought ladders.

1) I found about 4 new jobs to apply for in H's town and I will complete those apps tomorrow.

2) I made myself a GAL list, so when I'm struggling I can pick someting off the list and go do it.

3) I tried out H's new game not just so I could praise him for it but because I was truthfully interested.

4) Then I called H to offer some heartfelt praise about how tickled I was with it and how impressed I was with him.

Like other praise attempts from me, he just glowed. He was completely tickled by my response - he used that word. I used it first to describe my reaction to the game, but then he used it back - so I know he was listening!! The praise drew him out to talk about the project, describing some details and his inspiration for it. I noticed that the artwork was all his own, and made sure to mention that a noticed.

I kept the convo short, saying that I had to get back to my folks. Leave em on a high note and wanting more, right?

Woo hoo! I can DO this!

[givingitmyall]

You sound good Dia. I'm glad.

I can tell you from a man's perspective, the adivce Sandi (she's great by the way) gave you about men needing to hear compliments, is dead on. I cannot tell you the last time my W gave me a positive comment about something other than a meal I cooked. It really means a lot to a man, whether we all admit it or not.

[sandi2]

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

I guess this one did need explaining a bit further. It means that as a W (who could be a LBW), you do not need to ask him questions about how he feels regarding the M or anything about the R. When W's are nervous and wondering if H may up and leave at any moment, they may tend to "dig" for answers, but that is a no-no. As tempting as it may be, just don't bring up any topics regarding the MR. If he says anything that implies "working" on the M....then let him do the talking and you try to do the listening and validate what you can.....what you can't agree with, then tell him it's too bad he feels that way about it. But, don't go into a lot of talk.....let him do it. (If this still seems "muddy" then let me know and I'll try to do better at explaining.)

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight. WAS are able to do that easily, so be on your guard and refuse to get into a R talk.

Potential WAH's are famous for putting the focus on the W. Making you out to be the "bad guy". Everything is your fault, in their eyes. Your emotions are already raw, so it doesn't take much to get into a R argument. They can trap you so easily by making you upset and losing your cool. Don't fall for his trap! It's actually as if they are setting "traps" to hook you into a R argument.

Another word of caution.....ease up on the praise thing. I think you are doing an over-kill. You must be careful about over-killing anything & everything. He likes it right now b/c he's probably starved for it, but it will seem like you are pursuing--if you don't back off a bit. Okay? You have told him more than once how great his new game is, and now you've called him about it, so I would not just keep on about how wonderful it is. Maybe find something else in a day or two to compliment him about. Does that makes sense? It's a fine line to walk.

Sometimes I may not communicate too well.

[Dia]

*giggling*

H came into the game and buffed me. For you non-gamers, this means the bestowing of beneficial and protective magics. *beaming*

[Dia]

Ok, I will give it a rest for a bit - tho this is the first time I praised him about the game. When I heard about it, I expressed interest more than praise.

Thanks for the input!!