A Little Epiphany - (and a newbie delurking)

[Fallgirl]

Hi Dia!
Welcome on board. Boy, you`ve both been through the wars. Sometimes I feel when both spouses are wounded they just get to the point of dragging each other down until one spouse staggers to their feet to see what the heck it`s all about.

Looks like you`re a long way down the line in that process.

I`m going to stop short of advising you though. I`m too much in the throes of trying to figure out my own chaos to tell someone else what to do.I will tell you what`s helping me but this isn`t a one size fits all job, as you`ve probably figured.

Have to say I found lovingly detaching from my H hugely helpful(though its a struggle when we`re both living together). The Last Resort Technique as described in Michelle`s books(Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting) has been a great tool for helping me detach.

After a long hunt, I`ve found a great therapist who`s not letting me off the hook for all I`ve done to cause the chaos(and there was me blaming H all along).I see her weekly.She keeps me sane.

Be careful who you confide in. You really don`t want this blown up out there to the point that its irretrievable. You can expect your family to take your side and want to KILL your H, so that`s not going to be too helpful, and its nice to be able to have a light hearted evening with GFs without your sitch being up for discussion. I have one very trusted GF who`s fully supportive of my fight through the chaos.

See this as a journey of discovery for you of you.I`ve learnt so much about friendship, relationships, marriage, me and what I want from life. At the very least I know this is making me a better person. Even if I lose H I hope at least to have improved me and to have brought my relationship skills to a more evolved level.

Stand tall and strong!

[sandi2]

Hi Dia, I too was a WAW and I know how hard it is to come here where the majority of members are LBS. But, hopefully, you will get the encouragement that I received and it saved my M and actually kept me from leaving. I had the mentality of a WAW for a long time, but was so blessed by the help people gave me here. And, guess who helped the most? One was another WAW who had really had a bad experience and told me what I could look forward to if I continued down that road.....and the other was a LBW who had a WAH who was in MLC. Of course, many others were there but so many LBS came to me to help. I figured I would be the last person on earth they would even speak to....but I was wrong.

You will probably have some to ask your opinions b/c they seek the POV of the WAW, so don't hesitate to give that. We all help each other b/c if we didn't have problems, we wouldn't be here.

There are many people who saved their M's with the DB techniques. There is a forum here called Another Divorce Busted that would probably be encouraging. Most of the people who were successful have moved on after staying around to help for a while. So, don't do as some and try to gauge the "success" by how many are here on the board who's M are working. As you continue along, you will discover that this is not just about busting a D, but actually self-survival as a person.

We have all types of personalities here, as you would expect. Some are loving and soft spoken and try to cheer you up. Others get down to brass tacks and hit pretty strong. You may run into somebody who is really hurt and come across as being bitter toward all WAW's, but it isn't really directed toward "you". Everyone here is either in pain now.....or has suffered pain in the past. We are a community and you will be surprised at the new friends you will make. So, welcome.....and come to post as offten as you can. Go to other forums & read posts and reach out to them and you'll build your own support system up faster.

Take care,
Sandi

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

I can tell you that first, Sandi is great. She has helped me and given me perspective I would not otherwise have had. Which leads me to my second point - as a potential LBH, I cannot emphasize how important it is for someone like me to hear the POV of a WAW. How else would we LBH's have any idea of what our WAW's might be thinking and what might be important to them. While you might run across the occasional bitter person (I have not seen that happen yet, but I've only been her a couple of months), the overwhelming majority of LBH's will welcome your (and other WAW's) perspectives. Oh, and I'm not sure you are a WAW, but your experience is certainly one that a WAW has.

[Dia]

Hi, everyone,

Fallgirl, Sandi and GIMA - thank you for your comments.

This post is just a quickie as I'm in the middle of a bunch of stuff, but I had a good chat with both the kidlet and the H this morning. Not relationship stuff, just upbeat day-to-day stuff with lots of affirmation and praise for H thrown in. I wasn't good enough about that at times, and he seems to really glow with it when I do it now.

Kidlet is a perceptive little monkey! He's 9 and going into 4th grade. He (kidlet) was telling me how he'd been playing this video game his dad made (H is a programmer). I drew him out on it, asking him about his characters and what kind of stuff you could do in the game. Kidlet told me to get paper and pencil and then wait a minute while he asked his dad a question. When he came back to the phone, kidlet gave me the url for the game!

I was surprised, so I asked the kidlet if giving me the address was his own idea or his Dad's. Kidlet said it was his own idea, that when I heard about it I sounded like I might want to play it. Smart kidlet!! And even better, the only people who are in that game right now are H, kidlet and a good mutual friend of ours. The question kidlet had asked his dad was to write down the url so he could give it to me, so H must have wanted me to have it.

After kidlet got off the phone, I praised H for making the game and told him how interesting it sounded, how I was looking forward to trying it, etc. Even better, once I HAVE tried it, I'll be able to give him more praise and affirmation for it.

We also talked about my impending move, and how I'm debating about a possible PT job offer with a really low salary. It wouldn't be enough for me to live on independently, even with child support. The advantage of taking it is that if I do, our son gets a free ride at the pricey, prestigious private school where the position is located. It would also give me first dibs at moving into something FT as soon as it opened up and there's some possibility of them tailoring a position especially for me if I can just get in and get a foothold.

One of the really obvious solutions to this is for H to invite me to come back to the house - but I have NOT asked directly. I'm worried that it would be too much, too soon and too much pressure on both of us. Either way, I think he needs to be the one to make the invitation.

Have a great day everyone!!

[givingitmyall]

Hi Dia.

I have a son that is the same age and grade level as yours (and a wonderful daughter - 5 going on 25). They are great aren't they?

Only thing I would caution you on is not to be over the top with your praise to H. When you read the DB/DR books, you will see a big no no is taking action that your H could perceive as pursuing. You don't want to do this right now. Some praise, fine. Just don't get carried away with it.

Another book I would recommend is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It really helped me understand how my W was trying to show me love and how I was incorrectly showing her.

[Dia]

Thank you, GIMA.

Balance on the praise issue is hard. Giving it is a 180 for me, so I should do it. But pursuing is counter-productive, so I shouldn't do it. Easy to see why this DB stuff provokes hair-tearing.

But - thank you for the caution, and I will be careful with it.

Re: the LL book - It will most likely be my next used book purchase or library read.

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

I have found a lot of the books I have read at the library. All about saving $$$$. Plus, Amazon.com has a lot of used copies as well.

Oh, and I don't know if anyone has told you, but DO NOT let your H know about the DB/DR books or its teachings. It is strictly for you. If your H knows about this stuff, he may think you are only changing to try to trick him to come back.

If praise is a 180, then a good idea. You know what is too much though. The idea is to create some interest in your H coming back, so you are working on you to make yourself more attractive - not just physically, but in all the other ways. You want confidence.

[Dia]

hope and expectations?

Example: Our 15th wedding anniversary is coming up in about 6 weeks. I would really love to be with H then in some capacity or other. Whether it's a movie on the couch, a date, a walk on the beach with the kidlet, a casual lunch - or even pleasepleaseplease, a super romantic dinner date for just the two of us.

(And yeah, I know that last one is pure fantasy-land, so like, while I'm at it, can I have a pony, too? I'd probably be moved to tears if I could even just hold his hand.)

How do you folks handle all of these hopes/dreams/desires in the context of your day-to-day sitch and DBing? I think I'm getting the massage that hope is ok but expectations aren't? So how does one actually DO that? And how do you act-as-if and not fall into the trap that everything will go just like you want it?

[givingitmyall]

Dia,

I'd probably be moved to tears if I could even just hold his hand.

Yeah, I know. I haven't touched my W since the bomb, and it is very hard not to want to reach out and hug her. I'm the touchy-feely type and really need that from her and to be allowed to give her that. But, I have larger goals, and so the touchy-feely stuff just has to wait.

It is tough, but the prize is worth the wait. As you will learn from reading DB/DR, you need to GAL (get a life by doing things you have always wanted to do or that you enjoy doing). You also have to adopt a new mindset (the books cover this much more than I can in a post). Basically, you have to come to grips with the fact that you cannot control what your H does/says. All you can do is control you. So, with DB'ing, you set about on a path of changing you for the better. Otherwise, your chances of luring your H back are not very good.

A lot of this, and what the books say, seems counter-intuitive, but it is necessary.

Also, at least for me, I have re-connected my religion - that was something that has been missing. If you are so inclined, I suggest prayer. It has done wonders for me. Daily, I pray for patience, peace, patience, wisdom, patience, strength, and patience. You get the idea.

[K4D]

Example: Our 15th wedding anniversary is coming up in about 6 weeks. I would really love to be with H then in some capacity or other. Whether it's a movie on the couch, a date, a walk on the beach with the kidlet, a casual lunch - or even pleasepleaseplease, a super romantic dinner date for just the two of us.

My anniversary is in 2 weeks. W is going to get a card with a pic of my daughters and it will be about them and what that day gave to us. I expect nothing in return.

Hope for the future is what you keep. Expectations get thrown out the window so you don't disapoint yourself when something you do doesn't get the reaction you are looking for or hoping for. keep hope and patience. Expect nothing. Be happy when something occurs. If you expect nothing, it will be that much more pleasant when something happens and if nothing happens, you won't be disapointed.

Don't live your life for your S. Live your life for God and for you and your kids if you have any. I haven't read your whole stich.

Its a long road. Don't take temperature checks right now. Infact, don't take them until you see something that happily surprsises you. Even then, take it with a grain of salt until it becomes more common and more to it.

Kevin