total quarter life mlc

[Sanderika]

Mdoodles,

H routine is changing because OW is putting pressure on him. She is driving the car. H is simply along for the ride. Right now, in the fog, he is doing exactly what men in MLC do.

I completely sympathize with you on this issue.

Trust me I do. My son is a mild Asperger's Syndrome Child and with the traits come things like: No Changes, Strict Structure, Same Routines, they only thrive with security, these kids hate to have anything rock their world. Things can change but they have to be so subtle as so they don't notice. It is very difficult to parent one of these kids.

Knowing this about son, I decided right from the get go that I could not protect him from the changes because they were fairly sudden. H was in and out post bomb for approx. a month and then gone. I understand my son was 9 at the time of the bomb and yours is 5, however an Asperger's Child mental abilities range anywhere from 4-6 years younger than their actual age. In reality my son's abilities in maturity were around 5. I sat son down the day after H left and I simply told him the truth. I assured him I was not going anywhere and he would always have me and that I would take care of everything. I could not let him live with the expectations that Dad was just at work or he left before son got up or Dad was working late. I laid out the whole ugly truth to him. We cried and then we bucked up and got to work together to create a life for just us. It took about 4 months before I truthfully stopped making connections with H. Son was angry for a short while and then saw that his world didn't really change all that much. He somehow managed to cope without seeing his Dad. He had me and I was working extra hard to normalize his life and make things good for him.

I will never forget one line son said: "I didn't think it would happen to me." WELL, if anything will break your heart that was it!!!!!

My H fled when this happened. Simply wrote us off like we never existed. I had the work connection at our company which I never knew how I lived through it for 31 months post bomb knowing he had OW and wasn't home and hated me, seeing him there was unbelievably difficult, I literally walked around scared everyday. I am glad I don't work with him anymore and it's been 16 months, at first it was very hard. I wouldn't have it any other way now.

Son sometimes went 3+ months and H didn't make contact with him. AND, I never ever told H to contact son or called H to man-up and see him. I never told him he was hurting son, he wouldn't have believed me. I never inquired why. I let it go. I let H be in his world alone. ALONE, from us that is.

Son has never been isolated from the truth in our sitch. Some here would disagree with this completely. I chose to be honest and tell it like it was. My son is remarkable and knowing him and understanding him, I knew he could and would handle it well. It was all about the approach and content of out talks. I have been his rock. I have the excellant relationship with son. H has a very distant unknowing relationship with his only son. This is a consequence. Has son suffered any....No. Has H suffered any....Oh, Yes!!

I think it might be time for you to gently tell your little son something about what is going on. Give him some credit to be able to handle it. Answer any and all of his questions. I understand how hard this is. Our kids are far wiser than we realize. Little son cannot expect Dad anymore. H isn't putting son's feelings and needs before his own right now. Son needs to learn not to have expectations either. If H hears you told son the truth and comes at you in anger about your choice, simply tell H. "As the guardian parent, I decided it was time son knew why you are not home." Then walk away. Do not engage H further!!

The bottom line...as raw as this is....your son will be affected by this sitch. You can continue to protect him with untruths or face it with him telling him what is going on. He will be fine as long as he has you. Your H is the one losing out. Even our kids are involved in our marital breakup and hard as we try we can't protect them from it. NO EXPECTATIONS is healthier than EXPECTING and receiving NOTHING!!! DISAPPOINTMENT HURTS!!!

I don't regret for a second telling son. Sure he has grown up a bit faster. It's not a bad thing. He has still had a great childhood, thanks to his rock.....ME!!!!

The next time son asks about Daddy's whereabouts or when's Daddy coming is the perfect time for a little chat.

In my case one day after school I sat son down and told him I had something to tell him and then did. Seeing son cry was very hard, it felt better that it was out in the open and we could learn to live separate from H and talk about it when son wanted to....or not. We have had many chats over the past 4 years now.
I can't say they all went well. It's par for the course. Parenting alone sucks!!!

Have a good day today.....

Take care, please....

Sanderika

[mdoodles]

i just sat down, glad to see your post!

im not telling son anything until after we move. i cannot unload so much on him at once, we are moving, changing schools etc. the child psychologist agreed.

my situation is slightly different because he talks to him everyday, sometimes several times a day and normally sees him on a regular schedule of atleast 2 times a week.

i dont know what is up lately with the odd inability to commit to times. he does call though and they talk.

why all of a sudden, years into this, would he not commit to his days because of her? why now?

is it somehow related to her lashing out at me lately? is this all about her? or is he hiding a job?

[Sanderika]

Hi, you see I worry that without telling them what's going on that they dream up all kinds of bad stuff. Stuff that's worse.
(I know what can be worse) Little boys have incredible imaginations. I worry that little son thinks some of this is his fault if not all of it. That is a common conclusion most children assume.

My son has been in therapy for several years now. Your psychologist knows your son, you know what's best. It's your choice.

For son to change schools is easy at 5 years old. He will adjust very fast. The younger the better!!! Will it be kindergarten or 1st grade this year?

For son to move will be a bit difficult, especially if he's only lived where you do now and it's close to grandparents. He should be told you are moving soon. He needs time to get used to the idea too. (IMO)

You do realize that for son going from seeing Dad on a regular basis to talking on the phone only with Dad is something son already knows is very different. Son most likely is already wondering why he doesn't see him that much anymore. Son does know that something is wrong in his family. I have always thought it better to nip something in the bud than let it go on too long which can only make an explanation more difficult. (IMO)

Mdoodles....don't wait to tell him this stuff all at once, it will be way too overwhelming for him and he will have a difficult time processing it. If it's comes all at once you may end up with a very angry little boy who developes behavior issues from it. IMO, if he is told a little about everything he will cope with it. In a few short weeks, son is going to experience some major changes. His current structure and routine is going to change, it's changing now. This is a fact. It is out of his control. IMO it would be better to share. Giving son a chance to process the changes at a slower pace.

again, JMO....only you know what you want.

Is this the same OW he left you for before he came back and opened the store? Has she always been the one or has he had others?

If so, I assume she has a tighter grip on him for now. She has convinced him she is perfect for him and you never were. It's called: The OW looking out for her best interest.............. In reality it's all lies and desperation. If this is like my sitch, H will at some point make a turn to be more committed to OW than his family. Here it happened approx. 1 year post bomb.
This is the MLC Fog. It's the tunnel in the dark. He can't see the truth for now. H is living free. This is what he wants. You, son and family are not important to him right now. This is why you leave him alone. Let her dig her own grave and she will. I bet the shovel is already in her hand.

My guess is your H is in this mode with her. They only thing that can change it will be her becoming very comfortable in her sitch and with that she will show demands, control, insecurity, mistrust. I used to say the OW here has my H wearing a choke collar with a 1' leash. It is true. This is what happens. So to keep the peace in their fantasy of a perfect world they turn away from us. It is temporary, trust me. The shine wears off and the ugly starts to show. This does take time. The reason it takes time is because only through repeated controlling, nagging, insecure and untrusting behaviors from her will H see her for what she really is.

I really don't think he has found a job. He may have applied for unemployment funds. She is maintaing his room and board.
He isn't giving any money to you. He doesn't have it that bad right now, in his eyes.

I do think he is putting her feelings and wants in front of you and son. I think it's like I said above. She has him snowed, he's whipped!!!!!

Her lashing out was pure insecurity and she is threatened by your existance. I really don't think your H was pleased with her about this. It is possible though that he has not confronted her. Instead he has assured her there is nothing between the two of you anymore. I know this hurts. This is what my H did to me. You see they lie to us both. They are in the middle. Ultimately H does not know what he wants. This is the truth.

Keep posting....this is so hard to figure out.

You need to DB your a$$ off starting now....It's your only chance.

Sanderika

[mdoodles]

this is the same ow he left me for almost 3 years ago. he was never honest with her, still isnt.

its clear she is now learning the truth and totally freaking out and holding him on a tight leash. i cannot figure out why he is with her when all he ever talked about was leaving her to come home, telling everyone. must be the mlc.

as soon as i know where we are moving, i will tell my son. psych told me u cannot tell him u are moving until u can say where u are going, unless of course he straight out says to me, are we moving. i wouldnt lie to him.

i will not tell him daddy doesnt come with us. i was told not to.

and the truth is, with us, u never know. i was so close to telling son last year and then we starting working towards getting back together.

he does not see anger in the home, he still does things with both mommy and daddy so right now he is ok.

h always worked long hours, was always out of the house before he was awake and many times home after he went to bed so the weirdness in not seeing him every day is not really there. for now.

i will know where i am moving within the next week so i will tell him that then. he does adjust easily, is extremely bright and outgoing so i know he will be ok.

im waiting for ow to lash out again, waiting for a phone call. im glad i know what to do and how to handle the calls so that she will not get away with it so easily.

[mdoodles]

h never called, never came and son had left him a message in the morning.

this is highly unsual behavior for h, even in his mlc. he is very routine, always comes on a schedule, never waivered. if anything, he added a day and came more.

now, all out the window. he cant commit to days. even the night before, doesnt know if he can come the next day. we are basically down to once a week, and he isnt even working.

or so he says.

what does anyone think?

is it a strange job that is not a routine schedule that he is hiding?

or, is it the ow? ever since she has been acting out and calling and harassing me, his schedule has become noncommital.

she is not new to our lives, so what is up?

[job]

It's mlc and the word is withdrawal and depression. He can't commit to any time schedule or promise. He's lost in a world of fantasy and depression. Time stands still for them and if it moves, it moves at a very slow pace. You need to set your expectations at zero and do not plan your day around him. Do not call him to see if he's coming...that's called mom checking up on him.

If he comes, treat him nicely, but don't wait on him. If you have plans and he comes over, continue on w/your plans. Your man/child needs to grow up and needs to realize that your clock continues to move forward at a faster pace than his and that life will not stand still for him.

This is very normal behavior for those who are lost in the world of mlc. You've been lucky up till now that he's been in touch w/his child.

As for the ow, you give her too much of your head space, something she's not renting out. Please find a way to cease giving her your power of thinking. She's not worth it.

If you will sit quietly and be patient, things will be revealed to you. The more you try to figure things out, the harder and longer it will take. Everything will be revealed in due time. Keep your focus on you and your child. Your man/child is gone and will most likely be lost for a while. This is your journey as well...start making plans for you and your son, as if your h will not return. It is most important that you take care of yourself, for your son needs his mother/parent right now, as you are the rational adult.

[mdoodles]

thanks snodderly.

its just all so odd when this isnt a new situation.

as for ow, it would be easier not to think about her if she would stop calling and texting and framing me for harassment.

[job]

It's not odd at all. The reason that I say this is that he was "snatched" back to reality three years ago and never completed his journey back then. This time, it will be much longer and his behaviors will be a little worse than three years ago. It's now considered a "new" adventure for him. He started all over again w/her and the relationship is once again new for him.

If you truly want her to cease the calls, file a case against her. It's also called a form of identity theft if she is pretending to me you out there. It's a legitimate claim. If you don't do something about it, she may take it a step further and charge and/or or order things in your name w/the bill coming to you. I'm never surprised at the great lengths they will take to ensure their place w/the mlcer. Protect yourself, file the claim.

[mdoodles]

im trying to file it, went to the police station, they said she needs to call again, i need to answer and hear her voice. once i can say under oath i heard her, i can file it and they will actually arrest her. i didnt want to have her arrested but that is what happens.

they said that everything else she is doing, she can claim it wasnt her, it was someone using her phone/computer so i need to actually hear her on the phone.

i do want her in trouble for this, its not ok to call 17 times or text me or call others, text others, pretending to be me.

perhaps his odd behavior also has to do with her and has to do with me not willing to settle on a separation/divorce agreement which is messing up their fake relationship.

[job]

The next time she calls, pick up the phone and say ever so sweetly, "hello, may I help you?" See if she says anything. I suspect she calls, breathes into the phone or does nothing just to bug you.

Of course, you could do like I did many years ago when I had this happen one too many times...I answered the phone "hello, city morgue, may I help you? Are you calling because you have a cadaver that requires picking up? If so, please provide the name, phone number and address of the location and I will have my team come out and pick the body up. Our motto is you stab them, we slab them. We'll be happy to put the body in the cooler until you decide what you want to do about funeral arrangements. I'm sure the coroner can be reached at this hour and w'll be happy to contact him as well." She slammed the phone down and I never got another call from her.

Doodles, you can't worry about her getting arrested...she's crossed the line. Her behavior is based on on security issues. Also, the calls are to drive a deeper wedge between you so that you will gie him what she wants...divorce. The ow sees y our h is waffling on the fence and a wuss, therefore, she's starting to take matters into her own hands. Once she feels her mission has been accomplished, she will crawl back into her hole for a while.

His odd behavior could be both he and the depression/withdrawal. You don't know what she's said to him about the situation. It could be she's threatening him and that's why he's staying away. There's no use worrying about something you can't control or repair. This is defnitely his mess and the fallout is hitting you and your son. Please protect yourself. I don't trust her.