Yes, you are going to have to lay off the R talk and if she initiates it then fine. If she initiates more of it in the future and it covers the same ground consistently then it is in your best interest to 'stop' the conversation ("Oh I have plans to go a stress management seminar" or "It was nice talking we should do it again but I have to take care of something".. something along those lines). She probably feels you are like another child instead of an adult H. My W said that to me during the bomb. And as you probably are well aware of ppl with ADHD often exhibit childlike behavior. Anyway, with that being the case more than likely it looks like you are going to have to win back her respect.
i have stopped talking about the M. I did find out that i still do things that anger her. at least there is still some emotion. It wasn't necessarily the smoking per se, it was the lies to cover up or deny it. (adhd self-esteem issue). That is the only thing I have ever really lied to her about. I think we all tell little white lies. she is going on 37 in 12 days, i am 38. due to her illness (Lupus), she looks nothing like she did when we got married 13 years ago. The meds she has been on have not been kind. i still think she is beautiful and offers so many positive qualities in spite of the way she is acting now!! other people probably will not find her as attractive as I do, or perhaps not at all. Her Lupus has not been kind to her as it has caused some brain damage to the extent that she has short term memory loss. She is on permanent disability now. I have to let her be free, and that is the most difficult thing since we do interact quite a bit with our two kids (G9, B6) and their activities. She gives signs that are positive and all, but she also gives signs that will be confusing. So, i wrote a note to my self, put it on each day of my planner and stuck one in my wallet reminding me to live my life, love my kids, leave her alone, believe, relax, and have patience, and love myself. my journey has begun with one small step.
drew, you are exactly right about winning back her respect. each time i do see her, i offer her the keys to my car to see if she wants to go search for cigarettes. i tell her i have nothing to hide, and am an open book to her. i learned my lesson about hiding things! she holds me to a high standard now, especially with honesty, and i have been doing my best to follow my words. she needs to see action. i have made great progress with my treatment of adhd (wished i had been more active 5 years ago)and am so aware of my tendencies and triggers. i still am kind to her as i know she always likes a fountain soda, and usually before i go to the house to get the kids, i pick one up for her. just a gesture. some people tell me i need to quit doing those little things, but that is who i am. when you know someone likes something and you are in a position to do something for them, why not?
Because of the separation it is probably better if you did stop that. One of principles of DB is not to pursue and gifts can be seen as a type of pursuit. How does she react when you bring her a soda? I wouldn't stop cold turkey but I would wind down on that. Thing is she is trying to date so you need to show her that she can't really have her cake and eat it too. Anotherwords, expect all the nice things you give her, etc. while she is trying to date around. So with that to an extent you can hold her to a high standard. You are showing her you have boundaries and she needs to respect them. Of course that might take a while. Anyway that is just my .02 cents. Hopefully Sandi, Puppy, or one of the other really experienced db'ers will respond to this.
well, believe it or not, her reaction is always "oh, thanks, i needed one of those."
the thing that bothers me most is that all of this has really only been since the middle of february or beginning of march this year. she is now essentially saying i was the worst husband in the world to her. she is pulling out all of the bad and not even thinking about any of the good. is this common at this stage after about 3 mos of S?
Yah I would say so esp. if she feels like she is not getting the space she needs. I have only been separated from my W for a month and a half but I have backed way off so there is no telling if she is thinking on those terms or not at this point. The beauty of DBing though is it does talk about detaching and not over-analyzing the WAS behavior. Do not believe anything you hear and a little less that 50% of what you hear. And btw does she take very good care of herself with her lupus? I find it funny that she gets very involved and holds you accountable for your behaviors around your disorder and not pay all that much attention to her illness as she should?? Hmmm.. I'm going to leave that question open ended for now.
i don't know how to respond to that. she has her days. her dad has been coming to our house (ok, hers with the kids for now) and mowed the yard for her. she physically cannot do it. she is honestly at the point where she needs help around the house with stuff. laundry is piled up (she can't continually go up and down steps)the house unfortuantely smells a little like dog (have 2 of them). i guess she has to figure out if she wants me. i wholeheartedly believe she does as hse needs to just get over the hurt from me smoking again and lying about it which caused her to think, he wants a D. That is because she said if it happens again, I will D you. FYI, i have successfully quit since my birthday back in may.
so you are the expert on adhd? how do i get my W to understand that the last few months were not me, not who I really am? I was on a psychostimulant that i should not have been on, yet wasn't aware of it. she says you cannot use that as an excuse. i say, well, it was a very large contributing factor. since i have been on different meds, my 9 year old brought tears to my eyes when she said, "daddy, why are you being so nice to us?" so i explained to her that she takes medicine to help her breathe, mommy takes a lot of medicine to help her, and i take medicine to help me. told her i was on the wrong medicine for me, but didn't know that until recently. so i take different medicine that helps me. she said, "well, i love you anyway, and i am glad you are nice." i hugged her, went to the bathroom and cried.....
She's right you cannot use it as an excuse but you can show her through your actions that your attempt at making your life better with a disorder are honest and true. I am sure she will notice. When my W and I first separated she would occaisionally ask how my therapy or dr appointments went.
A good sign that she wanted to see some change and I got a compliment in a mostly 'negative foggy' email that it seemed my counseling was helping me express my feelings and communicate better.
Just keep showing her and your children that your problems with ADHD are improving and that the therapy you are getting is better than what you were getting.
Great job on quitting smoking. It's funny just how much a deal breaker it can be. My W used to be a horrible chain smoker and I dealt with it when I first moved in with her. I started showing some dissatisfaction about it and pushing my boundaries (at a time when I was good about that) on it and she decided to quit. I know she didn't do it for me because I think she was getting disgusted with the habit and wanted to do it for herself.
I did let her know that the smoking could have been a deal breaker and while that upset her greatly at first I think it really helped her stay steadfast with her decision. That was one of the most successful attempts of me establishing a boundary in any relationship.
Hard to believe I am in the boat I am now considering but a lot of it was because I started letting my boundaries slip soon after our marriage (There was a major family tragedy in our 1st yr of marriage that was the catalyst). But anyway you can show support by establishing boundaries believe it or not.
Speaking of that I am reading "No More Mr Nice Guy!" You can get it as an ebook download on ebooks.com btw. The 1st two chapters have been a rather sobering read. I hope you pick that one up. If you are anything like me having adult ADHD you probably have difficulty with co-dependency. It's a shame that some magic pill can't help solve the disorder but at least the symptoms can be treated and the behaviors can be turned around.
To what extent to you feel her Lupus plays a part in how she is acting toward you and the M? I know several people who have Lupus and I relize, like any other disease, it differs in degrees and with people.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
