One of the things H told me this week that he has appreciated (he thanked me, too) the most was me leaving him completely alone, not consulting him or contacting him for anything. I left him to solve his own problems. By distancing myself and son from H showed H I am independant and self sufficient. It showed him I don't need him, rather want him.
I didn't keep him in the loop, I removed H from my life. I engaged H kindly and logically and lovingly when H reached out to me only.
In 47 months I only gave H anger twice. Once for a social occasion we attended together 20 months post bomb and it was because H invited me to go and then treated me like a germ. He was rude and insulting in front of others. I ended up leaving the function and sitting in the car the rest of the evening. H heard plenty about that. The 2nd time was when H removed me from the company. I only blew up once for each and never brought up either incident again.
I raised my son alone. I have not asked H for money, I have learned to live without. I maintain my home inside and out alone. If there is something I can't fix I ask someone other than H for help.
It has taken time, approx. 42 months for H to see reality and what he has left. When I say time and patience I mean it.
After our conversation, I am not certain we will D. It was very honest and informative. I am going to post more about it on my thread. I haven't felt well this week so I will get to it. Our meeting was Monday night. We talked from 11:00pm to 3:00am. Wierd hours, I know, it's the timing and when they want to talk. Men won't talk unless they want to and are ready.
Again, leave H alone....don't give in. Engage him on son only for a while. Let H humble himself and be deserving of more from you. Keep up the PMA and Sex Appeal. Be the greener grass from a distance. It is very attractive. Know the whole time H is watching you. I heard it from the horses mouth this week. He's always watching you even from a distance. He's keeping track of your independance and actions and emotions.
Do the unexpected!!!!
More Hugs for you today, mdoodles. Let us know what the L tells you to do next.
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Mdoodles, I hope things go well at the lawyers today.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
i have to go to family court and fill out the petition for support.
they will then ask h to prove he has tried to get a job, prove his old job wont take him back etc. he will also have to show how he is paying for his items such as his cars and phone and where he lives.
i also went to the police station. they told me i need her to call again and i need to answer and hear her voice. once i have that, i can fill out a report for aggravated harassment.
so im waiting for her to call.
and i will go to famiyl court either tomorrow or monday.
in the meantime i can sell whatever i want from the house.
as for the separation/divorce, not actively doing anything, i explained that neither of us have the funds, so we will wait on him. he has no grounds.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
im overwelmed to say the least. if the finances werent so bad, i would feel ok...but its bad, and i dont know from this!
i know i have no choice but to go to court, even if he handed me some money, it wont be close to what is expected. i may plan on going monday, give it the weekend, see what transpires since im not so sure i can get there first thing in the morning.
and, im waiting for her to call now! i need her to call. just once, to confirm her voice so i can say i heard her and its her calling. then i can hang up, and i can guarantee she will call one or 2 more times once i hang up...
i know he is going to be angry when he sees i went to court, but i dont have a choice. he needs to see what leaving me means.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
havent heard from h today, im wondering when he is coming next? he was last here on monday, im wondering if he is coming tomorrow or on the weekend.
do i call him to find out? or just wait and see what happens, and if im home, im home.
i dont get it. he used to be so routine with when he comes, when he calls. i wonder if she is telling him not to come.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
too late- made the decision to send a text to confirm the next time he will be here.
i didnt want to call because i dont want to hear her in the background so the text is fine.
and u know what - better if she sees it to get her to call again lol
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
he called and cant confirm if he is coming tomorrow afternoon? that is weird. what is up these days that he cant commit to days when he was always so regimented...is it a job? is he a day laborer?
or is it her? is she keeping him from coming? i dont get it.
i told him he needed to let me know before 12 because otherwise i will not be home after son gets home from camp.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
Mdoodles, sorry I was not here this afternoon to help you.
I would have told you not to call or text H. Leave him alone.
I know too late this time, save the info for next time.
He also does not need to know when you're home or not. Leave the work to connect with you up to him. No notice, ideas or contact to him. Stop making contact completely.
I know this is hard, this is what you have to do.
H is no more appreciative right now towards you for you having made the contact to check up on him and his schedule to visit with you and son. They need to be on their own to do all the work themselves.
We have a hard time learning to stop coming to their rescue and try and fix the problems. I can't stress enough that it is hurting more than helping right now. I know this hurts. I know how you feel. I have been there for a very long time now. It gets easier.
Don't worry if you miss his call or are not at home when he decides the time is right for a visit. Don't plan your day around H. Let H figure it out. H will figure it out. If he's a last minute planner and you have other plans too bad for H. He will learn to be more prompt and considerate.
I am sorry you had a long day. All you can do is a little every day. If you don't get to family court tomorrow it will still be there on Monday.
I hope you don't think I am too rough on you. I care and want this to work out well for you.
Good night!!
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
no, i dont think u are too rough. he is usually so so so routine that its weird when i dont know when to expect him, its all since the store closed that routine went out the window.
i hadnt sent a text in a month, and if ow saw, only the better.
we need a schedule. routine is important for our son, he is used to knowing when daddy will be home.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
